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by James Brodeur
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My thoughts consume me
I try to move towards the future
But the past has me in chains
I want to forgive
But my thoughts wont let me forget
My mind is like a war torn battlefield
My head is heavy
My heart damaged
My trust destroyed
My will is gone
I seek an answer but I receive more questions
My walls are up again
Walls of steel
Walls to protect me from being hurt
Walls to protect me from loving
Walls that bind me from pressing on
I read your word
I desire your peace
I thirst for your knowledge
But the battle rages
And seems to keep having victory
Over my soul
I want to die
So I may live
But I decide to go with what I know
I run and try to hide
I pretend that “this time will be different”
I listen to my thoughts
They tell me that I am a failure
They tell me that there is no hope
They tell me to give up
Instead of looking up
I want everything to come together
While in truth everything is falling apart
My anger burns inside
I can’t control its ugly face
I lash out in words
Words that cut deep
Words that scar
I use my tongue as a weapon
The same tongue that speaks of love
Spews out enough hate to fill an ocean
I Hurt, so I will make you hurt
I am Weak so I will make you feel weak
I will turn on you in a heartbeat
My smile fades quickly
And I instantly see red
Evil overcomes my soul
And I lose all control
I can’t think clearly
All I can think about is destroying you
I will take you back to your worst nightmare
I will remind you of your past
In my mind I have recorded every wrong you have done
I know your weakness
I know what binds you
I know what buttons to push
They are there for my protection
They are there to remind you
That you that you are nothing
And make me feel like I am something
When in all truth
I am hurting
I am in a room of many people
But yet I am alone
I have dreams
Dreams that Satan says I cant reach
I have hope
Hope that the devil destroys Every time I give in to his temptations
I let him take my hope and bury it in Self Pity
I listen when he tells me “there’s no use”
And I start to believe it.
My chains grow stronger
Every time I let Satan have a victory
The rusty steel chokes the life out of me
My bed becomes my safe haven
I try to sleep
Because if I wake
I am reminded of Who I am
I am reminded of my life
The life that God breathed in to me
The life I took for granted
The life I destroyed
I envision a quick suicide
It seems so easy
Everyone would be better off
I would be better off
In my own understanding
I am too old to start over again
My kids would be better off without me
I won’t hurt my loved ones anymore
They will be sad at first
But they will get over it
And the world will be a better place
One less monster
One less failure
One more soul destined to hell
Am I saved?
If I take my own life
Will I still go to heaven?
Will anybody miss me?
What will they say about me
Will they say ”what a shame”
“He had so much potential”
or will they say
“Good enough”
He was a leach! A maggot
A waste of life!
He used everyone he came in contact with
He was a terrible father
He couldn’t hold a job
“I am glad he’s gone”
Good riddance!
Break the chains that bind me
Show me the way
Tell me that you love me
Tell me that there is hope
Tell me that you have a plan for my life
Tell me that it’s going to be ok
Help me to die to my old self
And help me to live in your light
Cleanse my mind
Renew my thinking
Give me back my dignity
The dignity that I would sell
For a fifty piece
Restore my name
Restore my dreams
Restore my family
Let my actions speak for me
For my words are null and void
Help me to love
Help me to forget
When I forgive
Erase the list of wrongs from my mind
Help me to see people as you see them
Help me to be an encourager
Not a discourager
Remind me that I AM YOURS
Remind me that I am beautifully made
In your image
That I am your child
And I can fear no evil
I look to the left
And you are there
I look to the right
And you are there
You never leave me
You never forsake me
And you always give me a way out of my situations
I am a dog and I always return to my vomit
Because it’s all that I know
It became me
It was how people saw me
And how I began to see myself
I listened to it
I lived it
Even though I was living dead
I told myself
“This was the hand I was dealt’
So I believed it
Am I crazy?
Am I sane?
What is my life for?
What do you want from me?
I am a quitter
I run
But I’m still there
I hide
And you find me
I want to die
But you wont let me
Am I Evil
Or am I a child of the living God
Can you help me
Because I can’t help myself
I am like an infant lying in a field of hopelessness
I’m bound to a sea of despair
I am drowning
Give me your hand
Can you hear my Cries?
The cries that are hidden behind my smile
Will you wipe away my tears?
The tears that are stored away deep in my soul
Am I going to have this battle for the rest of my Days?
If so can you help me to fight?
For like Paul I long to do what is “right”,
But continue to do wrong
I am my own worst enemy
I am nothing without you
Yet I am everything with you
And with you is where I want to be
I need you
Because without you
I am an empty corpse
I am imprisoned
And I can’t break free.

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