"My wife torments me everyday because I had an affair. I wish that I hadn’t cheated on her, it was wrong and I feel so much grief and shame over it. I just wish she would quit rubbing my nose in it. I know that she hates me, otherwise, why else would she continue to torment me with my past? What can I do?"
It is quite normal for a wife to be angry, bitter, and resentful towards her husband after he had an affair, and it’s perfectly okay for her to get those feelings out of her system. Even if that means to scream, shout, and name call. All of these feelings and actions are all very normal—for a time.
But there comes a time when a repentant husband shouldn’t have to take the abuse anymore, and this is when he needs to detach! Detaching with love is a necessity to keep his psyche well balanced and healthy.
1. Detach with love
Even though a wife is unable to forgive today or tomorrow doesn’t mean that she will not eventually come around and decide that her behavior isn’t getting her anywhere with her husband, especially when she sees that he is not letting her moments of unkindness and cruelty get to him.
As hard as it may seem to do, a husband ought to try and forgive his wife for her inability to forgive him. The reason for this is so he can detach from her emotional outbursts properly. If a husband is holding in negative feelings towards his wife, detaching will be difficult to do. He will feel antagonism in his heart, which is not detaching but hanging on to her abusive words.
I am a faithful advocate on the necessity of detachment. But knowing “how” and “when” to detach takes discernment. Always detach with love. You do this by telling your wife that you love her but for your own spiritual well-being, you will not take the emotional abuse any longer. It is now time for you to get out of the house and go get a cup of coffee somewhere, go for a drive, take a walk, go see a friend, go to a movie, etc. If for some reason you can’t get out of the house, get some earplugs.
Be consistent in your efforts even if she starts in on you in the middle of the night. Your wife needs to see that YOU are not going to be bullied around any longer. Don’t scream or name call back at her but always remain calm with her. Tell her again that you are sorry that you had an affair and that you love her. Tell her when she is ready to TALK, not abuse, you will be there for her. Walk away and leave! Come back in an hour or two, and if she starts in on you again, leave again.
When detaching with love there are 5 things to remember:
1. Be consistent
2. Remain Calm (don’t fight back)
3. Tell her you are sorry again
4. Tell her you love her
5. Let her know you are ready to talk when she is ready
By doing these things 5 things you will be detaching properly.
2. Always remain kind and considerate
I know it is difficult to be kind while your wife is ranting and raving and calling you all kinds of names but this IS what will finally get her to express herself properly. She NEEDS to see that her emotional outbursts against you do not intimidate you, and the name calling does not disturb you.
You aren’t going to take it. Your spirit is tired of the trespassing and can’t take the emotional and mental abuse anymore! Remember, you love her, you’re sorry as heck, and you have remained calm, and you are ready to talk when she is ready to talk?
3. Pray for her – let her know that you have prayed for her to forgive you and to stop disrespecting you. Stay faithful through your actions. Tell you wife every night before falling asleep that you were faithful to her. Let her hear these words from you consistently for a month, Just say, “I love you, today I was faithful.”
“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” Mark 11:25
4. Keep your sense of judgment always on God
Having someone continually harass you, telling you what a lousy husband you are can wear down a guys self worth and make him feel miserable about himself. But it doesn’t have to be this way. By learning to detach with love and keeping yourself spiritually fit you can have complete clarity of mind to continue on with respect towards self and love towards those who are not so loving.
It is paramount that you continue in prayer by seeking God’s wisdom for your marriage, otherwise, you may become weak again and backslide, and I know that you don’t want that for your self.
“Blessed is the man who preserves under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him,” James 1:12
If you are carrying around negative feelings about yourself, remember that God has forgiven you and that you are a new person in Christ, equipped with the knowledge and wisdom to get past the trials and tribulations that are now embracing your life. Learn form your mistakes (sins) and grow out from those mistakes knowing that you are a worthy and respectable husband.
Someone said something unkind about me. Are my feelings hurt? Yes. Should they be? No. How do I overcome my hurt? By detaching myself. “Turning it off,” until I can figure out what lies behind it. If it is retaliation for an unkindness I did, let me correct my fault. If not, I have no responsibility in the matter. Should I ignore or challenge? No, I will let it go; least said, soonest mended. Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it. (One Day At A Time In AL-ANON)
Be patient with your wife for a bit longer. Knowing how to detach is the first step in taking care of your self. Let your wife see she can trust the man she married. Your new attitude will reflect on to her and she will finally come out of her feelings and decide to forgive from the completeness of her heart.
A patient man has great understanding...Proverbs 14:29
Angie Lewis offers spiritual enlightenment tips for couples in marriage, and is the author of new release book JOURNEY ON THE ROADS LESS TRAVELED.
In her book, Angie reveals her own journey of overcoming addiction and battling with her negative emotions that she allowed to embrace her life and marriage.
To find out more about this new book click here, http://www.spiritual.journeybooks.4t.com/
ISBN 1413788904 Available Amazon online!
Angie Lewis counsels couples and writes a monthly newsletter where she reveals her secrets on how YOU can stay happily married for life!
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