Relationships has always been an interesting topic for me and, sometimes it bothers me to see couples overtly walk into situations that will inevitably end in disaster, due to their lack of research of that individual that they are interested in, or being led by what they see superficially, as oppose to what their heart is truly telling them.
It is my attempt in this article to take you on a journey and show you how couples decide to enter a relationship with out counting the cost and end up being unhappy, depress and frustrated however, still trying to keep this relationship together even though it is obvious it was not meant to be. I promise you at the end of this article I am certain that you would look at your relationship from a different angle and reassess what you have or what you think you have.
In the book of Luke chapter 14:28-29 Jesus was speaking to a multitude, and he said something that really caught my attention and caused me to use what he said as the heart of this article. Jesus said, “For which of you intend to build a house, sits down first, and count the cost, whether you have enough to finish it”? Jesus went on further to say, “that having laid the foundation and is not able to finish it, others see him and begin to mock him saying, this man began to build and was not able to finish what he started building.” It is my firm belief that the majority of marriages, relationships etc. that ends in separation particularly the bitter ones, never factored in the cost of what they were getting into so in the midst of this “relationship” they’re probably wondering how did I get into this, resulting in frustration. I mentioned in my previous article “The Perfect Mate” that frustration only comes about when one’s expectation has not been met by someone whom they expected something from. I am quite familiar with this scenario as a matter of fact I am about to tell you a personal story that I think is relative to this topic. Many years ago I met a young lady whom I thought from the outside would be the ideal mate for me; she possessed everything on the outside that any guy would adore. After becoming acquainted with her we decided to have a relationship, early in the relationship there were things that she did or believed in, that I like everyone else believed I could have changed or lived with. In my mind I had this never ending fantasy of what we could be like together and it was this fantasy that created in me this false sense of hope, which caused me to overlook reality and hold steadfast to my fantasy. As this relationship progressed things got worst, but then at times which was very rear we would have some good moments but again it was these moments that made me believe that things can be better, there were constant non productive arguments, anger and again more and more frustration. One of my greatest fears was the fact of me leaving her and seeing her with someone else this was to say the least a phobia for me. This relationship affected every area of my life especially mentally and emotionally. Nevertheless I refuse to let go. Whenever I saw other couples together I became somewhat negative, because I was beginning to believe that there is no such thing as true love or being forever in love. So obviously I became bitter, and began to hate this person with an intense hate to the point where we argued and communicated with obscenity frequently. Slowly but surely I was beginning to realize that this relationship was changing me for the worst, and I had no other wise choice than to get out. So one day I finally made up my mind and painfully left.
Folks I am sure many of you reading this can relate to what I have experienced, I am also sure many reading this are presently living this scenario right now, and if you are let me be the first to tell you, if you weren’t told already that you are wasting your time with someone you are not suppose to be with. That’s right! Life is passing you by while you are allowing this person to change you as a person for the worst. There is a saying that goes like this “never judge a book by its cover” you see friends you can never bring about a true conclusion on a person by what you see on the outside, it is mandatory that you do your homework on them, it is your responsibility you must count the cost of what you are about to get into, or else you can not continue in that relationship, and if you do everyone will be mocking you because they always knew what that person was all about. Secondly compatibility is priority many people over look this and just place emphasis on communication but these two are synonymous with one another: compatibility are the things you have in common, like reading, travelling etc. the more things you have in common the more better you are to communicate. For example if you were standing in a room with several people but only one of them you knew, wouldn’t you be more likely to make conversation with the one you knew than the others you don’t know? So you can see where compatibility and communication work hand and hand, to put it another way compatibility produces communication. You show me someone who has no communication in their relationship, and I can assure you they will tell you they have little in common. My grandmother told me years ago that hot love don’t last I always wondered what she meant by that, until I finally discovered its meaning through a bad relationship. Whenever a relationship begins with frequent sex and extreme sexual passion in its early stages, enormous pressure is now placed on that relationship, because now you have to maintain that throughout the relationship it also gives you a false sense of what love really is and the minute you refuse your partner sexually the first words they utter would be I guess you don’t love me anymore or they accuse you of cheating. I must insert here before I go any further that sexually charged relationships are the most difficult relationships to end, and there is a reason for this which stems from a biblical approach. In 1cor 6:16 Paul said, “don’t you know that he that is joined himself with a harlot is one body?”
What he is saying here is when you have sex with someone you become spiritually one with them, there fore the more you have sex with that person the more you hold on to that person, so now it becomes more difficult to end the relationship. This type of relationship almost always ends in violence, because either or both parties now believes that you used them and now you want to toss them to the side as if they are nothing. Another side to this sexually charged relationship is it’s crammed with erroneous decision making, because just about all decisions are based on the sexual aspect of the relationship. So what happens? She decides to get pregnant or he wants to get married, and remember all of this is a result of the intense sex and not love so when the sexual passions have calm down and everyone is beginning to think clearly all hell breaks loose and you wonder to yourself how did I get into this.
There are always red flags in the initial stages of a relationship, like my experience we always feel as if these red flags can be dealt with later or we can change the person. At any time you see red flags in the initial stages, the mere fact that you even notice them, this is your heart and not your sight speaking to you. The heart is like a six sense it picks up on things that your eyes don’t see let me give you an example of this, have you ever had an experience where you had an uncanny feeling about someone and time had proved that feeling to be true….well no one told you about that person right? You just had a strange feeling; well this is your heart again trying to communicate because your heart knows what your physical being doesn’t know. Remember what I said in my opening statement we oppose what are heart is truly telling us due to what we naturally see, so since what we see does not line up with what are heart is telling us we logically reject the heart’s advice so to speak and of course pay for it later.
Finally I would like to conclude by placing emphasis on the consequence of failing to dissolves these unhappy relationships. There are always windows of opportunity to leave an unhappy relationship however; procrastination, finances, and selfishness seem to be the most prevalent factors in hindering us. People that defy these opportunities tend to become very bitter and extremely unhappy the relationship has now been demoted to a business relationship as oppose to a loving relationship these people are almost always angry and unhappy they are filled with repress anger and finds fault with everyone especially those who seem to be enjoying their relationship. They never have anything positive to say about anything, again particularly about relationships so they channel the little love that they have left into their kids or whatever it is that they channel their residual love into and make that their god, because they feel as if there is nothing left to put their affections into. These people are normally the most disgruntle ones on the job. I mentioned the job here because normally one’s consistent behaviour on the job is a reflection of one’s home life. They hate to see others enjoy life. It is so sad to see how they have allowed another person to take all of their hopes, dreams, desires and passions and twist it in to endless sorrow. Sex at this stage becomes an act of keeping the peace as oppose to making love, orgasms becomes a myth simply because your mind and heart isn’t there anymore, and your partner is only interested in pleasing themselves. Then finally they are hardly home, there is no family life everyone is doing their own thing no affection no flowers, nothing, but your excuse to your friends would normally be your partner is not that kind of person……yeah right! I say to you who ever is reading this article because I am sure by now you have seen yourself in this. When are you going to squash the fantasies, and jump out of the state of denial? I strongly suggest you are not living; instead you are only existing and dying emotionally and mentally daily. So stop wondering how you got into this and consider fixing or getting out of it.
BY: Kevin L. A Ewing
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Your words are clear and full of truth. Thank you for your willingness to be bold and share from your own experiences. I wholeheartedly agree with your advice and findings. Good reminder for me too. God bless! =)