Thank you for calling “Heaven’s Gates” – your multi-church, multi-denominational hotline.
If you are a Methodist, please press "1" and your call will be transferred to the nearest potluck.
Catholics, please go to the altar and have the priest press "2" for you.
If you are Pentecostal, press "3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-Hallelujah!" and throw the phone onto the ground
Presbyterians, please form a committee. If there’s a quorum present and a 2/3 majority vote in favor of the motion, please press 4.
Lutherans, please press whatever number you wish, because, after all, you are the ONLY ones who use this line.
For the Amish, please walk to the nearest Mennonite and have them press "5".
Jehovah's Witnesses, please consult the secondary manual then press "5-6-6-2-5" – or “K-N-O-C-K” before 9pm.
If you are Jewish, and it is not a holiday, please press "7"
If you are Jewish, and it is a holiday, please hold the line until after sundown
If you are a Messianic Jew, please tell the previous two entries that they should press "8" instead.
For all Calvinists, please do not press anything. If you were meant to be connected it will happen.
If you are a Mason – press the secret number.
For the Brethren, hang up the phone, sell your possessions, and go and tell others to call.
If you are a Christian Scientist, simply pray and the correct button will press.
Seventh-Day Adventists should press the number mentioned three hours ago.
If you are non-denominational, just press whatever you feel like it all leads to the same place anyway.
As a new addition, we have included special lines for ministers.
If you are a pastor, yea, verily I say unto you that thou shouldst pressest two keys. And yes, I shall speak unto thee and tell thee what keys thou shouldst press. First, the "9" button should bring unto thee great joy in seeing the work completed (10 minutes later) ... And after the "9" button, thou shouldst also press "1".
For evangelists - press "9" and "2" immediately! Do not wait! Do not look towards your neighbor. Simply bow your head and press "9" and "2" just as you are.
For teachers - press "9" and "3". To make a nine, you start above the line, make a circle and drop the stem down to the bottom line. Now let me see your three.
For prophets, you know what number you will press. For that matter you know the answer. Why did you call anyway?
For apostles, please hang up and start your own hotline.
If you are a drama minister, then please, Tommy, please press the "9" and the "4". If you don't, I just don't know how I'm going to go on.
Musicians should press the "9" and "5" keys, the "9" and "5" keys, the "9" and "5" keys, then play a guitar solo. Everyone give God a big hand.
Sign Language ministers should press ...
Children's Pastors, this hotline has been brought to you by the numbers "9" and "6". As we learned from the puppets today, those are the numbers you should tell your parents to press.
Youth Pastors, if you are calling this line, you obviously have too much time on your hands after doing nothing but playing with teenagers all day. Go get another job.
Oh, and if this is the Hospitality ministry, please bring me a cup of water, I'm parched.
Have a nice day...
c.2005 Matthew E. Morgan, not to be reprinted without permssion from the author.
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