I sit here thinking about my life and I canít help but ask myself, ďWhat have I done in this life that would live on in the hearts and minds of people?Ē ďWhat legacy have I begun to leave behind? Have I done anything that shows God to people? Have I been a good witness for Jesus? Have I been a somewhat good person? If I thought about it, I could probably sit here and write down a million questions about my life and not finish for what would seem like years. People have said, to feel better about yourself, write down a few things that you like most about you and some things you like least about you. Well, if I really had to think about it, Iíd say that I like the fact that Iím a nice person. I like that I can sing and write lyrics for Jesus. I like that I have a silly sense of humor, especially in Church. I like that I have a kind personality. I like that I love people! I like that I find pleasure and peace in Godís creation, called-dogs. Ŗ(The whole World knows that!) I like that I picked a wonderful man to not only marry but to be my best friend. I probably could think of a few more, but I donít want to sound cheesy or conceited because Iím none of those things, really. Thinking about the things I like least about myselfÖ Iíd have to say that, I have bad self-esteem. When I look in the mirror, many times I see ugly. And thatís not fair to the Lord God because he made all people and things beautiful. He made us humans in his image and likeness. So why do I continue to think, see and feel so bad about myself? I also donít like the fact that I think bad thoughts, especially when I feel down and doubt God. I donít like the fact that Iím lazy. I donít like the fact that I grew up skinny and now Iím fat. I donít like the fact that I canít bring myself to commit to loosing all my unhealthy weight. I donít like the fact that I loose some, feel good and then loose control and gain some or more weight all over again. It is written in the Bible that we must, ďhave self control over our bodies.Ē When will I gain control of mine? Why wonít I listen? I donít like the fact that I am not as good a wife as I could be. My husband is wonderful and says Iím a great wife, but I know, deep inside me, that there are things that I should change and do differently. God knows them all. Itís time I let him control my life instead of fighting him with my flesh and resisting what I know to be right. I donít like the fact that I always think Iíve done something wrong, or feel like people are going to be mad at me and not like me anymore. And I donít like the fact that I always say, ďIím sorry.Ē Guess I still say and feel that way because of the way I grew up with my Dad. He always treated me like nothing I ever did was right and that I didnít know what I was doing. He even told me on a few occasions that I had no brains. He yelled at me and called me hurtful names over almost everything, treating other kids like he should have treated my sister and I. He hurt my hands, my arms and made me bleed and cry so many times. Nevertheless, I donít like the fact that I wasnít a better daughter to my Dad growing up. I mean we had our bad problems. My dad was abusive in physical, emotional and verbal ways, but I know there were those times when I deserved to be yelled at, but only defended myself. I should have respected his wisdom more, as nag-ish as it was at the time, and still can be. I should have showed him love more. I do LOVE the fact that the Lord, over the last few years, has been teaching me how to hold my tongue at certain points and how to show my Dad love, trying my best to show him as Jesus would want me to. Because of this, my Dad is coming around and being sweeter to me. He is not physical really anymore, and we are getting so much closer, the way we always should have been, long ago. But, Godís timing is always perfect. I know we go through things in life to make us stronger. I must remember during the hard times of my life what Jesus, my savior, did for me upon that cross over 2,000 years ago. Iím glad that my Dad and I can now be friends in our adult lives. I say ďourĒ because we both had a lot of growing up to do in the Lord. Still doÖ My Dad is still somewhat verbal but heís come a long way since my childhood days.
I could ramble on and on like this and that would just drive the ordinary person crazy, so I will stop naming things right here about myself that I like and donít like. I just want to let it all out and be the woman of God that he has created me to be. I know he wants us to see the good we have inside because he put it there and no one else. I wonder what can I do to be a better person? What can I think or say that will make me ďdoĒ what I actually want to do for the Lord and not just be a big talker? Like I said, I want my life to have meaning. I want people to remember me, after Iím gone, and say, ďOh yeah, Lisa Velez, she was an inspiration and a true reflection of Jesus.Ē As the song by Joy Williams asks, ďDo They See Jesus In Me?Ē Thatís my question I send out in to the world today. Do they see Jesus in me? I think thatís all I ever really need to knowÖ
Dear Lisa, this brought tears to my eyes. Having read the two things you wrote for your Mother and sister, I can see that the road you've travelled hasn't always been that easy. Reading this just confirms that. I know what you mean about hating that you always say "sorry" (and I know you mean when something isn't even your fault). But I can also see that God is doing a work in your life, and causing you to see yourself through His eyes. Your dear husband sees you that way, and in time, I believe you will see yourself that way as well. With love, Deb