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FOR FUN World Full Contact Chess League
by David Ian
10/18/05
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World Full Contact Chess League


TOMMY TANKER
SMITTY “NINE FINGERS” KELLERMAN
SID “THE SHIMMEY” SILVERTON


(Delivery style is crash-hype excitement as if earth-shattering events are taking place. Professional Wrestling meets World Chess Championships)

TOMMY TANKER:

”Well here we are at the Oregon regional semi-finals of the newly formed World Full Contact Chess League; I'm Tommy Tanker bringing you move by move, minute to minute play by play. And doing the color commentary is winner of the Newport Slugfest last May, Smitty "Nine Fingers" Kellerman. Welcome, Smitty.”

SMITTY:
Thanks, it’s great to be service-side with the all-time Full Contact chess great Tommy Tanker

TOMMY TANKER:

Great to have you “Nine Fingers”. And Smitty has found out there's more to color commentary for chess than black and white, isn't that right, Smits?"

SMITTY:
It can get red all over in the WFCC, Tank. This is a sport that is wild and exciting and is taking the country by storm

TOMMY TANKER:
And speaking of storms, Smitty, tonight's match up has been hotly anticipated and we expect to see a battle of wits, skill and brawn like we've never seen before.

SMITTY:
You're right, Tank. Playing White tonight is the Coos Bay Crushers, with Chris Cuss and Bobby Blazer. They’re a powerhouse team when it comes to the chess service. They are aggressive in their openings, daring in variations of classic maneuvers, and their end game is second to none.

TOMMY TANKER:
And their opponents playing black can only be said to be their equal, Smitty.

SMITTY:
The Baker City Brawlers tag team tandem of Dangerous Dan Deschutes and Fast Feet Freddy Frenzy are taking black tonight, Tank. They’re a powerhouse team when it comes to the chess service. They are aggressive in their openings, daring in variations of classic maneuvers, and their end game is second to none.

TOMMY TANKER:
Equal in every way, Smitty. Each side has won as many games by knocking opponents out through injury as capturing kings. When you go to make your move against either of these chess juggernauts, you better be ready for some punishment.

SMITTY:
And now the teams are huddling up, the Crushers in white to make the first offensive move--

(SFX: Both sides “huddle” up to make last second plans, hyping each other up, banging heads, knocking each other around, yelling rages like a pre-wrestling warm-up, crowd cheering)

SFX: [radio dial spin – cut to some other bit]

[Radio dial spin, Return to World Full Contact Chess League]

(SFX: Wild crowd hollering, hoots, howls, feral cheers)

SMITTY:
I don’t believe it!

TOMMY TANKER:
Dangerous Dan Deschutes has just taken the rook with his knight and—

(SFX: Loud metal clang, crowd frenzy spikes up in volume)

SMITTY:
Ow! That’s gonna hurt.

TOMMY TANKER: (Shouting over frenzied audience)
Chris Cuss! Chris Cuss just took it in the face with the metal chair. Chris Cuss is down!

SMITTY:
He’s not getting up, Tank. He’s out for the count!

TOMMY TANKER:
And while Fast Feet Freddy Frenzy continues his hammerlock on Bobby Blazer to keep him from tagging, Dangerous Dan Deschutes completes the Korolov gambit with a daring pawn thrust into white territory and the Coos Bay Crushers are in check!

(SFX: Triumphant chanting from the crowd “Check Mate! Check Mate!)

SMITTY:
The crowd’s calling for Check Mate, Tank. It doesn’t look good for the Crushers…


SFX: [radio dial spin – cut to some other bit]

[Radio dial spin, Return to World Full Contact Chess League]


(Crowd at ultimate frenzy level, something earth shattering HAS happened)

TOMMY TANKER:
Never have I seen a comeback such as this! Both Dangerous Dan Deschutes AND Fast Feet Freddy Frenzy are laid out!

SMITTY:
Out cold, Tank!

TOMMY TANKER:
The Baker City Brawlers tag team chess tandem have been taken down by the Coos Bay Crusher’s Catamaran Crunch!

SMITTY:
Now comes the coup-de-grace, Tank.

TOMMY TANKER:
The what, Smitty?

SMITTY:
That’s French for the final kick in the crotch, Tank. They’re just one move away….

TOMMY TANKER:
Chris Cuss and Bobby Blazer take up their black queen together and slam it down with authority on King’s Bishop seven!

(SFX: Crowd noise spikes up again)

SMITTY:
A knockout and a checkmate! The Coos Bay Crushers have made a statement here, Tank.

TOMMY TANKER:
And here to make a statement is the Baker City Brawler’s manager, Sid “the Shimmey” Silverton. Sid, your boys took a beating today--

SID “the SHIMMEY”:
Listen, this was a sham from the start. You saw how Bobby Blazer distracted the judge while Chris Cuss head-butted Dangerous Dan. How can you navigate the intricacies of a Russian counterattack when you’ve got a river of blood pouring in your eye?

TOMMY TANKER:
So, you’re saying you want a rematch, Sid? Is that what I hear?

SID “the SHIMMEY”:
The Baker City Brawlers will rematch with the “so-called” Coos Bay Crushers ANYTIME! ANYWHERE! Black or White! Cage Match! Free for all! Are you listening out there Crushers? We’ve got your number—

SFX: [radio dial spin – cut to some other bit]


If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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