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FOR FUN Radio News Romantics
by David Ian
10/18/05
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RADIO NEWS ROMANTICS

TED (News anchor)
RICHARD (News anchor)
KAREN (Field Reporter)
JAMIE (Script Girl)
HAL (Sports Guy)


KAREN:
And so, Ted, it looks like there’s going to be a clean-up here all night and into the morning.

TED:
Thanks, Karen. That was a very meaningful report.

KAREN:
You’re welcome, Ted. Back to you, Richard.

RICHARD:
In other news tonight--

TED:
Really meant a lot to me, that’s for sure.

KAREN:
Well, it’s my job, Ted.

RICHARD:
Yes, thank you, Karen. In other news, Oregon’s latest --

TED:
And you really do a good job of it.

KAREN:
Why, thank you Ted.

TED:
Probably the best I’ve ever heard.

KAREN:
Now, you’re just saying that…

RICHARD:
In other news…

TED:
And your voice is sooooo, reporter-like.

KAREN: (giggles)
Oh Ted! Stop it.

RICHARD: (coldly)
Thank you Karen, Ted—

TED:
Say, I was wondering if you want to…I don’t know, go for some coffee or something sometime…

KAREN:
Oh!

RICHARD: (quickly)
Moving on to our next news update --

TED:
I’ve always wondered if you and I had a chance together—

KAREN:
Ted, I never knew…

RICHARD:
Two people were shot and killed, and another injured--

TED:
Well, maybe you just didn’t notice my attention--

RICHARD:
In an attempted convenience store holdup gone bad—

TED:
An interoffice memo here, the special lilt in my voice whenever I introduced you on the air…

RICHARD:
In an attempted convenience store holdup gone bad—

KAREN:
But, I always thought you liked the script girl, Janie

RICHARD:
Police report the assailant is still at large—

TED:
Oh, me and Janie was just an attempt to get you jealous

JAMIE (exclamation off)
Ted!

RICHARD:
--And should be considered armed and dangerous…

TED:
It’s over, Janie… it… really never begun, actually

(SFX: Ream of paper decidedly flung at something breakable)

JAMIE:
Bastard! Get your own scripts from now on! (sound of yelp and sobbing trailing off)

RICHARD:
Residents should be on the lookout--

TED:
Maybe we could get together after the broadcast—

RICHARD:
Residents should be on the lookout—

KAREN:
I’d like that

RICHARD: (Very loud)
RESIDENTS SHOULD BE ON THE LOOKOUT—

TED:
Hey! Can you excuse us?? We’re trying to have a moment here!

RICHARD:
Look! We’re in the middle of a live news report!

TED:
You don’t understand “the moment”, do you, Richard. That’s why you can never get yourself a woman.

RICHARD:
Leave my dating life out of this. Be sensible. Karen has to stay with that spill and clean up all night, don’t you, Karen?

KAREN:
Oh, not really. It’ll work itself out. It’s only biohazard.

TED:
Hey, that’s great. Richard, can you handle things here?

RICHARD:
What are you talking about?

TED:
You can cover for me. I mean, there’s not much left is there? A dog rescue, house fire in some remote place, and then there’s sports, “blah blah blah scores,” no one listens to them, anyway—“

HAL: (off)
HEY!

TED:
Oh, get off it, Hal! Anyone who cares about the scores knows them before you do! They’ve been trying to get rid of you for years. We could replace you with a voice bulletin between commercials – it’d save us having to look at your ugly mug every day.

(SFX: Scuffling/scrabbling sounds,

HAL:
--I’m gonna kill him!

(SFX: Hal being restrained, Janie screaming/crying)

TED:
Karen? Want to meet some place cozy?

KAREN:
That’d be great, Ted.

JAMIE:
You BASTARD!

TED:
How ‘bout that special little place where you and I covered the Drug Turf Slayings?

RICHARD:
I don’t believe this…..

KAREN:
Oh, Ted, our first story together. You remembered.

HAL:
Lemme at him! Lemme at him!

TED:
You kidding? I’d never forget something as special as that….They’ve really fixed it up, it’s no longer a dive anymore. I’ll see you there in ten…

KAREN: All right. Toodles, Richard!

RICHARD: (With as much dignity as can be salvaged, riddled with irony)
And that’s the Radio News this hour, believe it, or not…


If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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