ANCHOR TED (30s a bit dim, overanxious to present Breaking News)
REPORTER BOB (30s also, needs a vacation)
(Interrupt with News bleep, intro sounds as realistic as possible to give the illusion radio transmission is actually being interrupted)
TED:
Ladies and Gentlemen we bring a special announcement on our Radio Emergency News System, there is a hazardous road spill on I-84 which has caused a serious public threat. For an update we switch now to our Breaking News reporter Bob Johnson in progress. Continue with your report, Bob, we’re “On the Air”.
(SFX: outside sound, rushing cars, emergency vehicles, Bob shouting over din of clean-up in progress
BOB:
--And so, Ted, it looks like a bad spill out here in Gladstone, and the clean up is going to go on all night, and into the morning.
TED:
So, what you’re saying there, Bob, for those just tuning in to our Breaking News report, that it’s a bad spill out there?
BOB:
Uh, Yes, Ted, a bad spill here in Gladstone.
TED:
And that clean-up is going to go all through the night?
BOB:
Yes, Ted, that is what I said. A bad spill and clean up will be going to go into the morning—
TED:
Now, Bob, I think you mentioned earlier that the clean-up might go into the morning, is that right?
BOB: (emphatically)
JUST mentioned that, Ted. It’s a bad spill, clean up is going all through the night and probably be going into the morning.
TED:
“Probably” be going on into the morning? I thought you said “will” be going into the morning. Is this a Breaking News Update, Bob?
BOB: (Exasperated)
No, I was just qualifying, Ted. As in “most likely will be going on into the morning”. There are many time variables--
TED:
--And so, the Breaking News is that the free flowing spill will “most likely will be going on until morning”.
BOB:
No, Ted, the spill is contained, it’s the clean-up that will be—
TED:
You heard it here first, folks on Breaking News Radio. That nasty spill is over with, highways are now safe—
BOB:
They are still cleaning the spill up, Ted. The hazard still exists--
TED:
Wait, wait, folks, I’m just getting a report from our Breaking News field reporter Bill Jenson that a hazard exists—
BOB:
--Bob.
TED:
What? What?
BOB:
Bob. That’s me. Bob Johnson.
TED:
What happened to Bill Jensen?
BOB:
There is no Bill Jensen, Ted. Just me, Bob Johnson.
TED:
Folks, I’m sorry to report that Bill Jensen, our field reporter, has been tragically killed in a hazard spill which continues unabated this night and likely will not be contained even into the morning. Fortunately, Biff Jackson, our Breaking News reporter is there on the scene. Come in, Biff.
BOB:
I’m a professional. This is not worth a paycheck—
TED:
Biff! Biff! Can you hear me? (Bob sighs) Well, obviously, the Breaking News tonight is the toxic torrent that is ravaging the countryside of our once pristine Beaverton—
BOB:
GLADSTONE not Beaverton you moron!
TED:
Ladies and Gentlemen, our reporter Bernie Jennings has just announced that Gladstone is next to be wiped out by a cataclysmic chemical tidal wave after Beaverton suffered that same tragic fate, this is Breaking News Radio--.
BOB:
Ted! Listen to me. This is Bob Johnson—
TED:
Wait! This just in! I’ve just heard Bob Johnson is alive! He somehow survived—
BOB: (containing himself)
I’m reporting about the spill from Gladstone—
TED:
--And how the spill in that ravaged town, Ben? We need a Breaking Update in that area
BOB: (slowly)
it has been contained, Ted—
TED:
A new development. I’ve just heard that due to a mutant biohazard—
BOB:
--Chemical spill!—
TED:
--the remaining people of Newport--
BOB:
--GLADSTONE!!
TED:
--have been tragically contained within the city limits and will quite probably die!
BOB: (calmly)
I’m going to kill you.
TED:
--I’ve just heard death threats are running rampant, Martial law is in effect--
BOB:
--I am coming down to the studios with a large pipe wrench--
TED:
Mad ravings and are the order of the day.
BOB:
--and I am going to beat you like a harp seal! This is BOB JOHNSON Signing off!
TED: (pause, composed)
That’s our Breaking News and Update for this hour. In other news today, Local 131 plumber’s union made a trip to the Arctic North to gather seal pelts as part of their collective bargaining settlement. I’m Ted Driskal, and that’s the Radio Emergency News System. Now back to our regular broadcast programming, except in Beaverton, Gladstone and Newport to whom on behalf of all of us here at Radio News, we will like to extend our heart-felt sympathies.
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Mary Bryant wrote: Hi!
THis was my absolute favorite...man I wish I could write like this although we all have our own style of writing.
You have such wonderful talent...it would be great to see you get published...what a pleasure to read your works.
Thanks so much for sharing all of these great skits with us.
WHoo Hoo!
Mary :)
