Intense impending doom hovered over me as I prepared for my trip and it would not go away. What is the matter with me? I’ve made this trip a hundred times! I became tearful.
“Lord? Are you trying to tell me not to go? Is the plane going to crash?” Silence. I continued with my preparations. It seemed as if everything I did all day, I was doing it for the last time. The people I talked to at work, in the back of my mind, I talked to them as if it would be the last time. I cleaned up my office and paperwork, so they could find things they might need just in case I didn’t return.
As I prepared my borrowed computer for the trip, I had an overwhelming urge to prepare a document and save it on the desktop that described who to return the computer to incase it got separated from me in the crash, that is if the computer made it. I wanted to write a letter to my husband on the computer telling him how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. I wanted to explain to him that I had a feeling that I was going to die. I didn't want to make him feel bad that I doubted that he would believe me and that was why I didn’t say anything to him. I didn’t write the letter, because it all sounded stupid. Was I just having a fear of flying? I didn’t think so. This was different. I knew fear.
I became very confused all day with questions of even taking the computer, knowing that the plane was going to crash. I knew that if I told anyone what was going on in my head they would shrug it off to being afraid to fly. But this was more than that. This was real.
The feeling of doom was powerful and sometimes very overwhelming, but I maintained my composure in front of my husband. My salvation was secure and if God was calling me home, well so be it. I was ready. I packed up my suitcase with the remaining items that I would need. I didn’t want to cancel my trip because I had a lot riding on it. Mom was expecting me and was very excited to see me as I was excited to see her, God willing. I had bought the plane ticket months in advance. I had made obligations at her church and I was only going for four days. But there was something inside me that just wanted to stay home. Home where I was safe and where I didn’t feel like I was going to die.
My imagination took over. I envisioned a million scenarios of what “might” happen and how I might be prepared for an emergency. I shouldn’t have watched that stupid airplane movie last month! And the movie, Cast Away, what kinds of things did he need to carry in his pockets? I thought, I wonder if the plane crashes if someone will use the computer batteries for something or use my camera batteries. I was making myself nuts.
And then, I thought about those that I would leave behind and I just kept getting sadder and sadder.
“Lord, how will my husband get along without me? I know that coming to You will be glorious and I should really want that, but I really have more things to do and complete down here. Losing a loved one is so sad and I don’t want my family to be sad, my mom and dad; it would crush them. Why am I feeling like this? Am I really going to die? I know that you prepare your people for things and things have been way too coincidental for me, pointing to my ‘last days’.” I asked, hoping for an explanation but received nothing.
The night before I left, and convinced that this was my last trip, I called my girlfriend and told her good bye.
“Jeanne, I don’t know what is going on with me, but I can’t hear God and I think I’m going to die.” I told her.
“You’re not going to die! That is just the enemy feeding you lies. I rebuke them in the name of Jesus. You are going to have an awesome time and the devil knows it and he is trying to steal your joy. Apparently, you are letting him. Let me pray over you.” She said. And she prayed. We chatted for a little bit, while I mended my husband’s pants on the sewing machine. When we hung up the phone, I was better, but not thoroughly convinced that I should go on this trip.
Knowing that I had the power to cancel my trip at any time and not get on the plane, was really bothering me. Either I was having a major warning from the Lord and I was ignoring it and getting on the plane anyway, all the way to my death, or the enemy really was playing head games with me and all would be well. I needed discernment! Why couldn’t I hear from God? Why was my Spirit blocked? I had to go on faith, something that I was not good at, even after all of these years.
We loaded the car and went on our way to the airport. I was pretty quiet on the way. As I looked out the window, I wondered if I would be back to see the snow covered trees and landscape again. I looked at my husband and watched him drive. He talked about how good the car was running since we got it out of the shop the day before. I couldn’t pay very good attention. Everything seemed to be a blur. I was in my own little world.
God, I don’t want to die, but I’m not afraid to. If You want me, You can have me. I’m not afraid to die, but I don’t want to leave here.
About five minutes from the airport, the car began to make a funny spinning noise under the hood.
Is this a sign Lord? Should I not get on the plane?
My husband dropped me off at the curb at the airport and headed back to the house.
Alone in the airport for two and a half hours, I had a lot of time to kill. I called Mom and told her about the car and asked for prayer. I didn’t tell her about what was going on with me. I didn’t want her to worry. We chatted for a little while and then stopped so we didn’t use up all of my battery. I went to my gate and waited.
It seemed unusually quite in the airport that morning. I went to the phone booth and hooked up my computer and watched a movie waiting for time to go by, Sleepless in Seattle, my all time favorite movie. When it was time to get on to the plane, I reluctantly did so, praying as I went.
I found my seat and tried to get my large frame as comfortable as possible. It was time for take off. I had a song in my heart in the car and then it came back in the plane called, ‘Be Strong and Take Courage’ by Hosanna Music. I felt the Lord very strongly singing this song to me in my heart. Finally! I thought, I can hear Him! I was so glad and I felt such great comfort. The words played over and over in my heart and I hummed along with him. Be strong and take courage, do not fear or be dismayed. For the Lord will go before you and his light will show the way. Be strong and take courage, do not fear or be dismayed. For the one who lives within you will be strong in you today.
Taking in a deep breath as the plane headed down the runway, I had a new confidence in God. I would “be strong and take courage”. I refused fear to have any hold on me from that point forward. Knowing that God had given me a strong word and in a song that I could sing all the way to Texas, I rested in His presence as we flew into the sky. I imagined that the Lord was holding the plane in his hand like a small child would hold a toy plane, guiding it through the air. I envisioned His strength and size in order to be able to put his hand on the plane to guide it through the sky. Thoughts of His love and the words of the song telling me not to fear gave me great comfort. Daddy God had everything under control. Thoughts of death began to diminish. I looked around at the activity on the plane and people were acting “normal”. Fear had only tormented me and was finally gone.
Oh, you honey. Writing about the silly doubts that plauge all of us in the body of Christ when we should be focusing on one thing: Christ. He is all we need. Beautiful message and inspiring read (easy to read too, so thumbs up for that).
This is a wonderfully inspiring piece. I've felt these feelings too, as have many. Thank you for sharing.
Do you think the title fits? The piece could use a little clean up work, but overall it is beautiful.
I could really feel her fear mounting..I think we all get those feelings (I do with flying too:) I did notice that some of your sentences could be broken into two for easier reading. Ex. when you spoke about her death and her husband. Also after 'crash' you put a ? ..don't think you meant it there.
But I do feel the story was very realistic!