How many times in your life do you get to start over? Not many. Maybe once....at the most twice. Life is filled with so many twists and turns that we spend most of our time just trying to get back to straight and narrow. A couple of weeks ago I went for a drive with my wife and we ended up on some back country roads. It was fun at first, but as we continued to drive we began to feel apprehension. Nothing was familiar and the further we drove the more fearful we became. We began to talk about how we were going to find our way home. We mentioned turning around and backtracking, but after a quick discussion we realized that we had made so many turns that the idea was fruitless. The cornfields were high so we couldn't see in either direction and the road in front didn't heed any type of hope of reaching civilization. So we drove. What had started out as a great idea quickly became a boiling point of frustration and fear. Our only hope was to drive and pray that God would lead us through. Suddenly a road appeared and it had signs, lights and an arrow pointing us home. I didn't know that the road was there but once it was found I knew the direction I had to go.
I have spent the last five years in the wilderness of life. When we started this journey it was fun, exciting and full of promise. Some how we ended up on the backroads. I can't tell you how I got there. There was no defining moment where I can say "oops...shouldn't have turned there!". All I know is that as each year progressed I drove deeper and deeper into the thick underbrush and put myself further and further from the truth. By the time I realized what I had done...it was to late. There was no turning back. Committments had been made, money had been borrowed and turns in the road had become too numerous. The only choice was to proceed with the plan and hope that God would provide a way out.
I am so cautious to say what I am about to say. I don't know how I feel about it but it is something that needs to be explored. It is becoming evident that my angel was the key. I look at my life now and the way it was four months ago and the only controlling factor is her. She was the road, she was the sign that was pointing me home, she was God.
She was God. That is a bold statement. To even think the thought that my daughter was the all knowing Creator is borderline blasphemy. What if it's true. What if God needs my wife and I? The way our lives were going there was no way we would have listened. If there was one thing that would get our attention, it would be a child. Our dream above all dreams. What a price to pay. So I turn to God and ask "What"....not "Why"....but "What". What is so important that I should have my daughter sacrificed in order to bring me back to the fold? What is the assignment? What are my orders? I am back and my passion is steady. I rise each morning and wonder what will happen today. There is something coming, I can feel it. Look at the world, it looks different this morning, it looks tired, ragged, in need of repair. I am but a pawn, a worker bee if you will. I am ready to serve but am fearful of what comes with the job. I know I will have to give up a love at some point.....I just don't know when.
I am proud of my daughter. She was the type of child that any parent would want. All parents want their children to put a mark on this beautiful planet. Mine has left a big one....I only hope that I can honor her life in a way that she can be proud of. Time will tell.
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