Diane crunched through broken glass to retrieve the broom and dustpan. Roger followed her, hurling profanities. Fighting back tears, Diane appeared numb, but silently she prayed, “Lord, please make him stop. Please give me strength.”
You’re not too bright, are you?” Roger yelled. “Why didn’t you tell me about this until now?”
Diane knew it was futile to respond, but in sheer desperation she said, “This is why I didn’t tell you. I would rather try to handle things myself than to have to deal with your reaction.” Roger stomped out, slamming the door behind him.
A shudder of relief swept through Diane and then the flood of tears came. Diane’s faith in God was all she had. Roger had abandoned his faith completely. Now, he was an angry, bitter, man. “Lord, will you ever restore our Christian home?” Diane whispered.
Does this scenario sound familiar? Then you are on of the four million women who live in abusive relationships. Thirty-five percent of these women are emotionally abused. This number should disturb you, but do not give up hope. You are not defenseless in your struggle. “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world, on the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strong holds.” (2 Corinthians 10:4) Abuse can be fought.
Step 1 - KEEP GOD #1 IN YOUR LIFE.
When Daniel and Judy were married they were both Christians. Having been raised in Christian homes, Judy was certain they had the foundation for a strong marriage. The first few years were just as she had hoped, but then Daniel began to change. He turned his back on God and then he began to turn on Judy. As a result, Judy was not comfortable reading her Bible or praying in Daniels’s presence. If he entered the room, Judy would quickly close her Bible or stop praying.
Judy tells this story. “One night I was reading my Bible and I heard Daniel coming. At that moment the Lord spoke to my heart and I had to make a conscious effort not to follow through with my usual reaction. My hand s were sweaty, my body tensed, but I continued reading my Bible. Daniel turned around and walked out of the room. From then on I didn’t attempt to hide my devotion to God. As a result of this, I have experienced His rewards in my own spiritual growth and maintained a good testimony for my husband.”
Romans 8:35 (KJV) says, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?”
Linda Brooks lived in an emotionally abusive marriage for ten years. I asked her how she did it, how she kept hanging on. She answered, “Through it all, I continued to pray and claim God’s promises.” Eventually, Linda left her husband. How did she know it was time to leave? She says, “The Lord let me know that it was all right to leave. When I had his assurance and peace, I left.”
STEP 2 – DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED.
That is exactly what the abuser wants. Abuse is about power, and intimidation is one way in which the abuser will seek to gain control. When you are in the midst of an abusive situation, it’s easy to be frightened. Even if the abuse is only verbal, and abuser’s words and body language can be hostile, threatening and intimidating. He may approach you while he is yelling and cursing or he may throw or break things.
You must remember that you are not alone. God is on your side. Keep the words of Isaiah 41:10 in your mind. “…If God is for us, who can be against us?” Also, Romans 8:37 (KJV), “Yet in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”
It is essential that when you are being emotionally abused that you focus your heart and mind on Jesus.
An effective way to deter intimidation is to look your abuser right in the eyes and say, “I refuse to take any more of your abuse,” and then just walk away. The last thing an abuser expects if for the person he is abusing to stand up for herself.
Another thing you might do is to give your abuser to the Lord, right then and there. Close your eyes and start praying for your abuser. Pray out loud and tell the Lord that you give your abuser and the entire situation over to Him. Talk about intimidation!
STEP 3 – DO NOT REACT, BUT DO RESPOND.
There is a fine line of distinction between reaction and response. The Random House College Dictionary defines reaction as, “action in response to some influence.” Respond is defined as, “to reply or answer in words.”
Reacting to an abuser’s anger could prove to be very dangerous. If someone is yelling and cursing and you yell and curse back, or if someone slaps you and you slap him back, that is reacting. You are reacting to the other person’s anger. Reacting keeps the argument going and it could escalate, causing someone physical harm. The point is to end the situation, not to make it worse.
Responding is just as important as not reacting. If you are being abused and you don’t respond in some way, you are in a sense giving permission for the abuse. Very calmly, say or do something positive. If all you can say is, “I will not take this abuse,” and all you can do is walk away, then respond in that way.
In he case of Judy and Daniel, who were mentioned earlier, Judy gives this example of a positive response. “One time my husband was angry about our financial situation. He began to yell, curse, and hurl accusations at me. Calmly, I said, ‘Why do you always have to lay blame? It isn’t anyone’s fault. Not mine and not yours. It’s just the way things are.’ Rather than reacting to my husband’s anger, I responded to what he said. I was not accepting his tactics or the blame.”
STEP 4 – DO NOT BE A MARTYR
One of the most common misconceptions of women in abusive relationships is to believe that they are the cause of the abuse. Do not, I repeat, do not let the abuser or anyone else ever convince you that the abuse is your fault. That is exactly what the abuser wants you to believe and it’s a total lie.
Don’t be tempted to think that accepting the blame will somehow satisfy the abuser. All that will do is allow the abuser to maintain control. Even worse, you may begin to believe it yourself.
If you find yourself falling into this train of thought, read Ezekiel 18:20, “The one who sins is the one who will die. The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous man will be credited to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him.” Likewise, you will not be held accountable for the sins of your abuser.
Jesus Christ was the only martyr this world will ever need. His dying for our sins was an enormous act of love. He was the only person who was or ever will be qualified for such a selfless act.
If you truly love your spouse or whoever the abuser may be, you would be doing him a tremendous disservice by presuming to take responsibility for his sins. As long as the abuser has someone else to blame, he will never hold himself accountable and he will not come to the point of repentance.
Refusing to be a martyr can be done in one sentence. The next time you are being blamed for something you didn’t do, just say , “I refuse to take responsibility for this.” Don’t just think it verbalize it.
Standing up to someone who is being abusive to you will take courage, but it’s something you must do. If you continue to be silent, you are in danger of losing your own identity. You will become a robot, so to speak. Everything that you say and do will revolve around your fear of how the abuser will react. Your self-esteem will plummet and a bad situation will seem hopeless. Hopelessness can lead to drastic and sometimes tragic consequences.
STEP 5 – KNOW YOURSELF.
It is absolutely vital that you know whom you are and that you cling to the fact that you are special. God created you and you are His own unique design. The following words reflect this perfectly. “I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are your works, and that my should knows very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet formed. And in your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were non of them.” Psalm 139:14-16 (KJV).
If you are constantly exposed to emotional abuse, then you are probably humiliated and and criticized often. You may not be able to change the abuser, but you can make positive changes in and for yourself. Emotional abuse can only hurt you and hold you back if you allow it to. The Lord has a way of using the most difficult times of our lives as the greatest time of growth.
When I was experiencing some struggles of my own, a dear friend reminded me of that truth. She said, “When you have nowhere to turn, but to the Lord, it is then that you experience a great strengthening of your faith and untold spiritual growth.” These words were just what I needed to hear.
STEP 6 – TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.
Women who are victims of abuse and the abusers are often co-dependent. The abuser needs the abusee in order to build himself up. He feels powerful when he can control another human being and he maintains power through his abusive behavior.
The abuse’s life revolves around the abuser. She bases everything she says and does on how she thinks the abuser will react. For example, Susan wants to sign up for painting lessons. She’s saved her own money just for this. Susan is so excited hat she hasn’t stopped to think what her husband, Tom, might say. Then she thinks, “How will I explain where I got the money?” She knows Tom will say they can’t afford it. Then he’ll start yelling and cursing. After Susan considers how Tom will react, she decides that signing up for painting lessons isn’t such a good idea after all.
If you are in an abusive relationship, you don’t have to be miserable. You must take responsibility for your own happiness. The first time you take a stand for yourself will be the hardest, but it will be your first step toward freedom…freedom from co-dependency and victimization.
You may not be able to change the circumstances in which you live, but you can still find happiness and joy. Do you have any hobbies or interests? If you don’t, find something that does interest you and dive in.
Six year ago, my husband and I moved twenty miles away from the town where I grew up. Twenty miles isn’t that far, true, but I didn’t drive. To top it off, my husband and I were having marital problems. I felt isolated and lonely. This was a very unhappy time for me.
One day I was feeling especially lonely and my self-esteem was at an all-time low. With pen in hand, I had every intention of writing a letter to a friend. Instead, I wrote a poem. Poetry had been a passion of mine since childhood. Writing poetry was a pastime that I had abandoned three year earlier. Well, one poem led to another, then contests and finally being a published poet. At long last I had a sense of fulfillment, self-worth and my own source of joy.
The apostle Paul says, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation…” Philippians 4:12 (KJV). Though Paul was speaking of material needs, I fully believe that we can apply this to emotional needs as well.
You too, can find contentment, despite the fact that you may be living in an emotionally abusive situation. You can find contentment in the Lord and in yourself.
No one wants to be in an abusive marriage, but if you are a Christian woman the decision to leave or stay is not yours alone. The Lord has a plan for you and if you seek His wisdom, He will show you the way. Just know that if He leads you to remain in the marriage, He will be your strength. In “Our Daily Bread” by RBC Ministries, this sentence brings it home. “Assignments from God always include His enablement.”
Emotional abuse does not discriminate based on age, race, or religion. The long-term results of enduring emotional abuse include issues of health, self-esteem, depression and anxiety. God loves you so very much and you are of great worth to Him. You must look to Him who created you as the unique and wonderful person that you are; to Him who has a plan for your life. First, trust Him by claiming the promise of Jeremiah 33:3 (KJV), “ Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not.” Then trust Him to see your through with the words of Philippians 4:13 (KJV), “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”
*All scripture is quoted from New International Version, unless otherwise indicated.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
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