Pastor – A young pastor, who does his very best.
Erma – Old, angry women
Harvey – Impatient, sarcastic old man
Maud – Old women who goes out of her way to upset herself
Pastor says farewell to the elderly members of his congregation immediately following the church service.
He shakes their hands as they exit in a single filed line.
Pastor: Thank-you for coming, Erma. I hope you enjoyed the
Erma: Young man, I enjoy coming to church and listening to
the church bells toll. I enjoy the singing of hymns by
Charles Wesley, and I enjoy listening to the organ play,
but what you were doing with your feet during the
hymn sing is completely unacceptable.
Pastor: You mean when I was tapping my feet along with the
Erma: How can I worship the Lord when you are standing in
front of our God fearing congregation, acting like a
punk rocker? You are a filthy, rotten man.
Pastor: But I was just…
Erma: The loud tapping of your feet gave me an awful
headache. I would like to say I enjoyed the message,
but I couldn’t hear a word of it because my head ached
in such a horrible way. I’ll have you know I will be
writing a letter to the deacons. Don’t think I don’t see
your agenda. I’m on to you.
Erma: You’re tapping your feet this week, and next week
You’ll be…God forgive me for saying this in His holy
House, playing the drums!!
Erma exits, Harvey greets the pastor
Pastor: Hello Harvey, how are you today?
Harvey: Fifteen minutes over today, Pastor! Fifteen minutes!
And it wasn’t even a good message. What do we have
to do to get you to end on time? I was hoping to go
out for a bite to eat after the service, but the
breakfast special ends in 15 minutes, and I refuse to
pay an extra fifty cents more for coffee and a bagel.
Pastor: I’m sorry about that, Harvey. But I think there’s still
time. If you hurry you can still make it.
Harvey: What are you saying, Pastor? That I should speed?
You’d have me out there squealing my tires in the
church parking lot, would you? Maybe run a red light
or two? Perhaps run down a person or two if they get
in my way? You’re a real piece of work, Pastor.
Pastor: I meant you could drive very slowly and responsibly
and still make it across the street to the restaurant
in plenty of time to get the breakfast special.
Harvey: Forget it! I’ve lost my appetite!
Harvey exits. Maud approaches
Pastor: Hello Maud…why do you look so sad today?
Maud: Four weeks from next Tuesday is my great
grand daughter’s birthday, and every year I send her
a brand new one dollar bill. However, today you forced
us to give a love offering to our missionaries in china,
and now I don’t have the money to send to her.
Pastor: I didn’t force you. I just…
Maud: Oh give it a rest, Pastor. I heard you giving us all a
guilt trip, saying the missionaries needed to flee the
country to save their lives. You are a wicked, sinful
Pastor: Well, I suppose I’ll go finish my sermon for tonight on
why we shouldn’t get discouraged. I’m going to feel
like I’m being dishonest when I preach it, though.
my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
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