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The Santa Conspiracy
by Michael Tennant
04/16/03
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The whole point of this script is just to remind us who Christmas is really about, and that Santa can give us some nice toys, but can’t give us eternal life. When the hard times come in life and we’re on our knees, who hears the prayers, Jesus or Santa?

The Santa Conspiracy

Scene opens in Santa’s workroom. Eli and Elmer, Santa’s little helpers are opening letters from children, and finding out what is on their wish list.

Eli: [Opens letter] Dear Santa, I have been very good this
Year. For Christmas I want a new bicycle. Your friend,
Jimmy. Elmer, has Jimmy been a good boy this year?

Elmer: [Looks through record book] Nope.

Eli: Sorry Jimmy, you get a bookmark.

Elmer: Oohhh… he’s gonna be mad. That’s what we gave him
last year.

Eli: Maybe this is the incentive he needs to improve his
behavior.

Elmer: Knowing Jimmy, if we don’t give him a bike, he’ll go steal one from someone else.

Eli: Hmmm… make sure all the children we give bicycles to
this year get locks and chains as well.

Elmer: Will do…

Eli: Next letter, please.

Elmer: [Picking up the next letter] Hmmm… Amy Jones. Name sounds familiar, but I can’t remember why.

Eli: She wrote us ten letters last year begging us for a baby
baby brother

Elmer: Oh yeah… and on Christmas morning, she got one. I bet her mom was thrilled.

Eli: Christmas in the hospital giving birth. What better way
to spend the holiday?

Elmer: At least Amy was happy.

Eli: Let’s see what she wants this year. [Opens Letter] Dear
Santa, I can’t stand my little brother. He gets all my
parent’s attention, he cries all night, and he throws up
on me. Please take him back. From Amy.

Elmer: Be careful what you wish for Amy, because you may
get it. You know what you get Amy?

Elmer/Eli: A bookmark!

Eli: Next letter, please.

Elmer: [Hands him a letter] Here you are.

Eli: Dear Santa, did you know if you scramble up the letters
in your name, it spells “Satan.” [Crumples up paper and
throws it behind him]

Elmer/Eli: Bookmark!

Eli: Next letter, please.

Elmer: Here you are. [Hands him a letter]

Eli: Dear Santa, my name is Sarah. I am nine years old. This
Year, my mom got cancer, and the doctors say she won’t
live much longer. My friend Johnny from next door says
he’s not afraid to die because he has eternal life and will
go to heaven. Can you give my mom eternal life?

Elmer: What? I’ve never heard of that. We open thousands
of letters every year asking for toys and games, but
I’ve never heard anyone ask for eternal life. Can we do that?

Eli: Um… well…uh…

Floyd Enters

Floyd: Hey, why aren’t you two working? We’re behind
schedule as it is. We’ve got twelve elves out with a
pneumonia, and three more were killed in a blizzard on their way to work this morning.

Elmer: look at this letter we got. This girl asked us to give eternal life to her mother.

Floyd: What?! Give that to me! [Grabs letter violently and
reads it to himself.] Speak to no one about this! Do you understand? As far as you know, this letter never came.

Eli: What are you going to do with it?

Floyd: It will go down into the basement with all the other letters asking similar requests.

Elmer: Why don’t you just give her mom eternal life?

Floyd: Because we can’t! Its not within our powers.

Eli: But we work for Santa Claus. I always thought we could
do anything.

Floyd: You fools! Christmas isn’t even about Santa. We just pretend that it is.

Elmer: Oh, come on. Next you’re going to tell us Easter isn’t really about the Easter Bunny.

Floyd: You two are treading on thin ice.

Eli: Hey, I once heard that Easter was called by another
name… what was it?

Elmer: Resurrection Sunday.

Eli: That’s it!

Floyd: That does it! Thank-you both for your help, but your service to us is no longer needed. You may go.

Elmer: Are you firing us?

Floyd: Dismissed!

Eli: I hated this job anyway!

Floyd: And I’d be careful on my way home if I were you… it’s
a dangerous trip, and you never know when a blizzard may strike.

[Elmer & Eli look at each other and exit quickly. Floyd picks up crumpled paper from the ground.]

Dear Santa, did you know if you scramble up the letters in your name it spells “Satan”?

[Floyd looks around suspiciously, and exits quickly with the letters.]
Finish
* Note - I don't really think that Santa is Satan.

my email is miket@pe.net

If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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