It screams all day and all night, a horrible shriek of a scream. This raucous menace stalks me like a shadow, and has done so for so long that I sense we have finally become one. Escape seems a remote and unreasonable theory. Trapped and caged by its cry, I have no choice but to yield. To fight or resist only heightens the terror. I live secluded with its voice always first and foremost; with clamorous ringing and screeching that claw their way into my soul, threatening to slash and wound me from the inside out. Do I have a choice other than to crawl along in the same confined direction - toward more desperation? There is no tangible escape.
“There is no cure,” the doctor said, 33 years ago. “Learn to live with it,” another coached. “Tune it out,” friends suggested, or, “It could be lots worse.” You might as well throw gasoline on an already consuming fire.
Is there a person on the face of the earth who could maintain sanity in the midst of continual Chinese water torture? Especially when delivered every day and every night for over three decades? Tinnitus has been similar - the “constant dripping” of escalating noises within my head never stops. These noises become dictators, subduing even the most hopeful heart.
“Thank you, Lord; thank You for being faithful to me. I could not fight this foe alone. I would quit trying, Lord – You know that. But You give me – how do you do it? - patience. And yes, You even give me acceptance when I would rather fight this unbeatable opponent to my own death. You graft in courage when anguish overwhelms me. You are my perspective when there seems no end to the torture. You alone know my pain; You alone are my hope.
“If not for You, I would have succumbed years ago. Because of You, I not only live with this menace every second of every day, but walk with my head held high. Despair holds no power over me. I am free, free to know the One who created and redeemed me, the One who shields my heart and promises abundance. Praise God! Your voice masks those counterfeit cries of the menace!!"
Simple silence…nothing but the creak of my old oak chair as I shift back and forth, and the agonizing inner screams…and then...
“YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A VOICE; USE IT FOR ME. YOUR WORDS WILL FLY HIGHER AND FARTHER THAN THOSE NOISES TRAPPED IN YOUR HEAD. COME FLY WITH ME TO THIS PLACE OF REFUGE. COME! WE WILL FIND WHOLENESS FOR YOU, AND LEAD OTHERS TO RENEW THEIR HEARTS AS WELL.”
This is how I tolerate and overcome the noises in my head; this is why I write.
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Dear Beth, Tinnitus? Oh I sigh. I have the high pitch squeel all the time, my husband has swishing, humming and squeeling. But I can still hear the crickets whereas he cannot. Yes, our Lords voice and His impressions inside our souls speaks louder than our tormentors, and His voice is pure and all together loving.
I will be in prayer for you my friend.