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Alarming Discovery; Hit Me One More Time, Baby
by James Snyder
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A man is not a man, in my opinion, unless he has adequately mastered the art of snoring. When I say mastered, I mean there is more to snoring than the mere act of making ze noise.

It is an ancient art form passed down from generation to generation, from father to son. It is the one thing men share in common and one of the few pleasures left in life that don't cost an arm and a leg.

Everything of late is too expensive, too fattening or too politically incorrect.

Once upon a time, a real man could enjoy the simple pleasures of life without any outside interference. Ah, for those good old days. Now, everybody and their tree-hugging cousin wants to tell me what I can and cannot do.

I have yet to understand how this simple practice of snoring can jeopardize the environment, but I was to find out.

While sleeping I sound like a chain-saw cutting down a tree; however, no trees are ever harmed in my dreams, although I once saw a tree in my dream.

Actually, this must be a man thing and with how few men there are left in this world of ours, may explain why snoring has gone out of style of late.

Women in general, and the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage in particular, do not share this opinion. Her verbal essays on the subject have crystallized her opinion firmly in my mind. And, if I had half a mind, I would give her a piece of it. Believe me, I have plenty to spare since I only use about a tenth of my mind, or so the experts tell me.

My wife's objections concerning my snoring can be boiled down to one. She alleges my snoring keeps her awake at night.

I once, to lighten up the situation, bought her a pair of earplugs for her birthday. Let me just say that for three weeks I was incapable of not only snoring but getting out of bed in general. Some people just can't take a joke.

I will concede to several things on this subject of snoring.

One, it is conceivable that snoring could, in fact, be offensive to other people, particularly if that "other people" happens to be sleeping in the same bed. My defense on this point is quite simple; if you are not able to go to sleep because of the snoring, perhaps you're not tired enough to be in bed in the first place.

I know when I'm tired I can sleep through a train wreck. In fact, when I get awake in the morning my bed usually looks like a train wreck. Do you ever hear me complain?

Two, I will allow that snoring can drive the other person crazy, particularly if the snoring is out of rhythm and erratic. I would cautiously point out, however, that it is probably a short drive and perhaps you might want to study the bus schedule for your next trip.

Now, after those few concessions, let me put a different spin on this matter of snoring, and may the Lord have mercy on my soul.

The very first thing I want to say is simply this, snoring is my constitutional right. For over 200 years, men and women have given up their lives to protect my right to snore. At this late date, how can I disregard their sacrifice? It would be un-American to do so.

Our Constitution says something about the right to free speech. Under this point, I have never charged for my snoring. It has all been given absolutely free and I do not intend to change this personal policy of mine. So precious few things in this world are still free.

Another point in our Constitution refers to the right to bear arms. I assure you whenever I am snoring I fully bear my arms. Moreover, I'm not ashamed to admit it.

But recently I have given some serious thought to reforming my opinion about my snoring. It all revolves around a recent incident.

For several weeks, my good wife had been complaining about my snoring more than usual. She suggested several remedies such as sleeping strips across my nose and nasal sprays. Once she even hinted at the possibility of physical harm to Yours Truly.

To me, the only sure cure for snoring is complete consciousness at all times but is it really worth it? Then something happened that completely adjusted my attitude toward the entire subject.

On Tuesday morning I awoke with a start, to find two of my favorite ribs wrapped around my dear wife's elbow. The pain was only matched by the dancing menace in my dearly beloved's eyes as I extricated myself from her elbow.

Later that morning as I read my Bible I was able to put the incident into some perspective. To ignore my wife concerning some aspect of life bears certain consequences.

Ignoring God carries eternal consequences but when I open my heart and life to Him, wonderful things begin to happen.

"As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:19-20 KJV.)

God has your best interest in mind for the longest period of time. The question is, does He have your attention?

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Member Comments
Member Date
samuel saalwaechter  06 Aug 2005
I'm such a heavy sleeper, I'm sure I could weight in on the subject, but I'm sure you don't want me noising around in your business. You should see a specialest in this area, they may be able to wipe out your problem. A gift to your wife!
Annette Agnello 05 Aug 2005
You are not going to win friends espically with women married to sonic snorers. Your articles are generally gloriously funny. Not so to someone traped on the other side of dreamland.


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