My eyes hurt and body was giving in. It had always happened like this. I struggled to put the feeling of guilt behind my head.
This time I knew I had gone to far because nothing was stopping me. My bible was right next to me and I could see bible verses right at the back of my mind. My heart was turning darker, telling lies without a feeling of guilt and posing as a man of God. My hate had grown making me more dangerous as a friend than an enemy. Hidden by lies and comforted by demons that made me comfortable.
How could anyone resist such a life of pleasure and joy? Then with that thought in my head I began to think eveything over again. I closed my eyes and answers seemed to be coming clear and powerfull. Like me the demons had a lot of hate in them against everyone and posed as a comfort to our lives. They offered me these luxuries knowing that in the end I will have to suffer and join them in the pit of shame. Drawing me further away from God they knew they were getting a strong grip on me moulding me into their image not God's image which I am supposed to be.
Tears began rolling down my eyes. How was I going to tell people who I really was and what I did. Turning back to God was going to be one of the hardest things I had ever done. Was I going to fall on my knees and confess?
I opened my eyes and the young girl staring at me seemed to confirm what I was going to do. Taking a closer look I could see her feelings of sadness, captivity and lost hopes. Throwing the screen that was in front of me violently of the desk. I kneeled on the floor crying and making my confessions to my God. It was only the beginning.
It had been an addiction. Designing and promoting child and adult pornography web sites was my shame. It was going to hurt everyone I knew but at least my journey to salvation had just begun.
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bheki - please keep up the hard work in this battle before you. God is the God of the possible, and the God of the impossible. Praying in Christ for you that He will have mercy and accomplish the impposible in your life - that He will also make it possible for you to come out of this above and beyond all that you ask or think. In Christ, Pat