Local Church Fires Jesus
by Joshua Wood
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Copyright 2005, Joshua Wood
Exclusive: Local Church Fires Jesus as CEO; dedicates Hymnal
Tempe, AZ. In a shocking decision, the Board of Trustees of the First Baptist Church, Tempe, AZ, returned a vote of “No Confidence” in current CEO, Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ, famed for his role in “The Passion of the Christ,” has held the job for 2,000 years, but recently came under fire for disagreements with church leaders over the direction of the church.
“It was simply a case of irreconcilable differences,” Trustee Chairman John Rich explained. “We were looking to pursue a more fiscally responsible approach to church growth and investment. Jesus Christ was simply unwilling to buy into the vision we set forth for the future of the church.”
A spokesman for the First Baptist Church of Tempe, AZ, said the church office has received a number of phone calls from upset parishioners.
“We’ve received more than a few calls from unhappy people today. These sorts of decisions aren’t easy for anyone, and we certainly understand their feelings. We sincerely hope that once they see the financial growth and expansion in membership that they will understand why this was a necessary decision.”
It appears, however, that the disgruntled parishioners have different priorities.
Mary Christian, 38, told us that Jesus Christ had been a very close personal friend of the family.
“Jesus was someone we all admired. My husband and I have known Jesus since we were in our early twenties. We try to spend as much time with him as possible. And our kids were really starting to find his stories fascinating. He was great with the kids.”
Many other members expressed similar feelings.
Earlier this afternoon, the church released a statement saying, “In an effort to assure those members upset by the church’s decision that the church is sensitive to their voice, the Trustees have decided to dedicate a number of hymnals, pews and a table in the Narthex in honor of Jesus and the work he did with the church during his 2000 year tenure as CEO. We hope this gesture will enable us to mend fences and move forward with new blood and a new vision.”
At a press conference to announce the decision and introduce interim CEO, John Rich, several members of the congregation expressed their support and asked about Rich’s approach to the more pressing needs of the church.
When asked about Rich’s strategy for softening the church’s reputation as exclusive and judgmental, Rich said, “We do not believe the church is a place where anyone should be uncomfortable. We don’t need to spend time worrying about where we fall short. Rather, we should focus on what makes us unique and special as individuals. We will certainly welcome anyone that wants to be a part of our membership.”
On the subject of growth, Rich responded, “The greatest needs in the church today are financial security and increased membership. To that end, we will be actively promoting the church in the community by hosting non-denominational, inter-faith, family-friendly events. We’ll also be looking very closely at staffing and other expenditures. We believe how we manage our money says more about us than anything.”
When we finally spoke with Jesus Christ he seemed saddened. While reluctant to write off the church entirely, he did express his frustration with the church’s decision.
“I feel betrayed, again. The church has forsaken me and all that I stand for. It’s my desire for them to discover their error and reestablish our relationship. The church needs to reevaluate its priorities. We’ve never put numbers over individuals. We’ve never valued fiscal savvy over reckless caring. We’ve never been willing to sideline the message of salvation to become more appealing. As it is now, the church is not something I’d be able to work closely with. There are many good people in the church, but their leadership is deficient.”
When asked about Rich’s comments (“We believe how we manage our money says more about us than anything”), Jesus simply replied, “I agree.”
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Very well done. My only suggestion is that it would be nice if you did not specify a particular denomination, as "firing Jesus" has happened all over the Christian church in various ways. Truly excellent.
The Spirit Of Truth hath spoken here, and it is not a tittle or jot, overstated or understated! The Word says "spare not" concerning the truth of (His Two Edged Sword) Gods! This is true to Gods word, and you would have to be also, to BE ABLE to "rightly divide Gods truth" like this! This cometh only BY, the spirit of Gods truth! (Jesus Christ) Blessed ye are, for being a true and faithful witness!
OUCH!! YSICJ, Jounda
Very UNIQUE!!! Awesome, whoa. Makes ya stop and think, huh? God bless, littlelight