"I'm such a screw up, jeesh I blew it, she's right I'm not worth anything, I feel like dirt..." Its funny how these statements are said more then something like "Good Job!" I heard that people put people down because they think it will motative them to achieve something better, well that might be true in some cases but really those words stick in our minds like glue. Dont' believe me? You believe the phrase "Sticks and stones my break my bones but words will never hurt me"? Well, we'll come back to that in a second... Last weekend I went on a trip with my youth group down to Lubbock, Tx. For Hot Hearts!! Awesome event and I encourage everyone who didn't get to go this time to try and go next year because I promise that it will not disappoint you!
Well, I wasn't going to go at first... I had screwed up at a friendship and I was deeply hurting... but not just because my friend was upset but I was hurting because how much I was blaming myself, bringing myself down. I did end up taking part on the trip but with a heavy heart, it was hard to focus on the trip and while everyone else was having fun and enjoying themselves I was thinking about how much of a screw up I was. To be quite honest with you all, I had been blaming myself for my fathers death and for my best friends suicide... I would wake up and just think about what I could have done and wishing that I would have done something... anything to save them. I felt as though it was my fault for all the pain my family and friends were going through. "I mean their has to be something I can do to save them... to help them... right?" Well, the first night of the Hot Hearts event God answered a huge prayer for me... actually like 3 prayers in one night. It was awesome!! First, I had been wondering where I would be going after high school and what I would be doing because I was scared I would screw up my life... well God didn't tell me what his plans where but he did tell me "Kyle, just be still and know that I am God! And that I have you in the palm of my hand... don't worry! Let me handle it!" That was awesome! Second, God answered my prayer about my friend and just out of no where we're talking again like nothing happen and that really was so so awesome! Thirdly, I had been praying for God to just shine his light on my family and help my sisters and brother through these tuff times and I wanted him to speak to my sister and brother... well he did that and more!! Wow it was insane! And that my friends was just the first night... so the second day came around and I had thought that God had told me what he needed to and that was it... well I was wrong again. Jason Craft (the speaker at hot hearts) spoke about holding in shame... feeling as though your not good enough to serve God so you try to make up for your sins by doing it on your own because you feel so low that you done something to hurt God. Well, I was sitting in my seat and my heart was pounding out of my chest... sweat was falling off my hands... Jason then asked us to stand up if we felt like we weren't good enough for God and his kingdom.
Well, I stood up... it was hard you guys....and then Jason said "You are not a loser, you are Gods child and you are good enough! Your past is the past!" He asked the rest of the room to look around at the people that had stood up and to get up and pray for them. I closed my eyes and then I felt all this hands on me and I heard people praying but I was crying to hard to hear anything... when they all started to leave and I started to sit back down my brother grabbed me and said "I love you" Another prayer answered.... something I had been wanting and waiting for.... you guys I can't explain what it really felt like but what I can say is this, You are not a loser! You are special, each and everyone of us! Jesus died for all of our sins not just some of them but all of them! Through my life I would keep my sins inside of me and I wouldn't say anything because of how ashamed I was at myself but in order for me to get help... in order for me to start healing... I need to realize that Jesus still loves me and that he is proud of me! And that he HAS paided the price for ALL the sins of the world. I hope that what I have typed has made sense, It's hard to put into words what he did for me. But now I know that no matter what I do... no matter what has happened Jesus is still standing on the hill waiting for me to come home! (read Luke 15:11-32) No matter what happens, no matter where you run... he loves you so much! And just wants you home in his arms!