“You are so ugly. No man would ever want to marry a disgusting blob of fat like you. You are such a failure. You can’t even stick to a diet. You’ll never be as good as those thin people. You are repulsive.”
Those are among some of the thoughts that would consume my thinking. Usually they would begin when I would blow another diet. I was struggling to be thin and thus “perfect”. I knew these thoughts were wrong but I felt consumed by them. In some ways I even felt they were true, although I knew that wasn’t the way God thought of me.
One night, after several days of these torturous thoughts, I was reading my Bible when I came across a verse that I have either read or heard hundreds of times. I even had it memorized. But that night it took on a new meaning for me. The verse that impacted me so much that night is Romans 12:2(NKJV), “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
That night I realized that I had been conforming to the world by thinking that if I wasn’t thin than I wasn’t good enough. All of those thoughts were a result of worldly thinking. I would see it everywhere. Hollywood shows perfection as being a size 2. The Christian romance books that I would read almost always have thin people as the characters who fall in love. The magazines that I would read were full of “beautiful” people and diet tips for those of us who aren’t quite there yet. Please don’t get me wrong, I still watch movies, read romance novels and magazines and enjoy them. What changed is I realized I couldn’t let my thoughts about myself be based on those standards.
I knew that I had to change my way of thinking. I read the verse again and found the answer, “But be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” I knew that if I was going to stop thinking wrong thoughts I had to start thinking right thoughts. So I went to God’s word and found some precious truths. 1 Samuel 16:7b (NKJV), “For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the lord looks at the heart.” Psalm 139:17-18 talks about the innumerable amount of thoughts God has about us, more than the number of grains of sand in this world. Isn’t it wonderful to know that our God thinks about us so much? He thinks about us because he loves us more than we can begin to comprehend.
Song of Solomon 4: 7 (NCV) is one of my favorites. It says, “My darling, everything about you is beautiful, and there is nothing at all wrong with you.” He is saying that you are beautiful and that He finds nothing wrong with you. He thinks you are not only physically beautiful (He did create you after all), but he also sees the inward beauty. “Do not let your adornment be merely outward…rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,” 1Peter 3:4. “Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the lord, she shall be praised,” Proverbs 31:30 (NKJV). God wants us to have a true beauty. A beauty that goes beyond the physical to a heart that loves Him and desires to grow to be more like him.
It has been close to a year since that night I read Romans 12:2. I stopped dieting for six months and focused on changing my way of thinking about who I am. I have learned to accept that I am who I am and that God loves me just the way He made me. I am working to loose weight, but for right reasons rather than a need to be “perfect”. I still have days when I struggle to keep my mind from beating me up, but knowing what Gods word says helps me to be victorious.
Some of you struggle with things that can be changed such as being overweight, while some of you can’t do anything about what you struggle with. Just remember that God loves you more than you can imagine, and He says you are beautiful. Regardless of what your struggle is, please allow your true beauty to be because of Christ living in you.
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Thanks for your honesty. I bet you'd like "Jane Eyre". It is a great novel about a women who grows in Christian character and was never considered a visual beauty but Rochester was drawn to her beautiful mind and character. Captivating is also a great book by Stasi Eldridge about a woman's true beauty. From reading your article, I know you'll just eat those books up. Thanks for putting into words what most women think. P.S. I wonder if it is a dark angel whispering in your ear "I'm fat." Amazing how they play so unfair and use the word "I" to make you think it's your thought.