I awoke with an awful taste in my mouth and an aching feeling in my soul. Not to mention my head felt like a demolition derby had taken place. The party I attended the night before drained me. I don’t even remember what I had done. I discovered many years ago how alcohol can mask the feelings that I don’t want to feel. I have done everything possible to control and lessen my drinking over the past 7 years but nothing has helped. It leaves emptiness in my heart and spirit that I just don’t know how to get rid of. Part of me doesn’t really want to.
I guess I should be honest. It wasn’t a party at all. It was just me, with more beer than a fraternity should have, and locked in my small apartment. I tried drowning my feelings and it worked; for about half an hour. The rest of the evening was spent ranting and crying about how horrible my life is and how much of a failure I had become. I couldn’t cry enough. Since I’m being honest, I should say that I do this every night.
I had heard the word despair before but I had never experienced it. Last night, however, I did. And I didn’t like it. I felt less than a bottom dweller and so low that nothing would care if I didn’t exist. I now realize that is the worst feeling in the world. My past was flashing before me quickly and I couldn’t shake it. My life was meaningless and I was worthless. The only bright side I could see was that I was alive but that seemed like a moot point now.
It was summer time and about 90 degrees but I was freezing and sweating at the same time. It’s Monday morning and I haven’t taken a shower since Friday. I stunk, badly. My hair was so dirty that my scalp hurt like my hair was being forced back into the follicles. My hands felt like I had soaked them in oil then rubbed dirt all over them.
The rays of the new day’s sun penetrate my eyes as I rise to go to work. I really hat my job. I hate the people, the customers and even the parking lot. Maybe I just hate everything. The only reason I’m still at my job is that it pays me enough to keep up with my bills and it gives me enough extra for booze and to do anything I wanted. But what I want is not a good thing.
I poured myself out of bed and stumbled to the shower. I don’t have a hangover because I’m still intoxicated from last night. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while walking to the bathroom. I looked worse than I felt and I didn’t like it. My black encircled eyes were puffy and red from crying and my skin was more gray than pink. I took a long look at myself and decided I needed to do something, I just didn’t know what. I also didn’t have much energy to do much and I didn’t want to do a whole lot.
I turn the water on in the shower to get the right temperature and sit down on the side of the tub. It usually takes at least three minutes to get the water warm enough and the last thing I needed was three extra minutes alone with my thoughts.
I have a co worker that has tried to tell me about support organizations that can offer me assistance to get me back on my feet. I was very resistant because I didn’t want charity from anyone. She also told me of Alcoholics Anonymous but I didn’t think that talking to a bunch of fellow drinkers could help me much, besides, I talked to people at bars every now and then and they did me no good. I just wanted to be fixed. After months of trying to help me, she gave up and stopped talking to me all together, just like all my other relationships.
I was a loner in high-school. I had only two friends that didn’t really associate themselves with me unless everyone else was already taken. I didn’t have a single date or kiss a single girl until after I graduated. My longest plutonic relationship lasted a whole 3 months. She told me I was selfish and I agreed with her. For some reason she left. Most of my conversations with people then and now are the informal, “Hi, how are you?” as they keep walking by.
All of a sudden, my mind swings back to the when I was a child at church. I didn’t like church back then. It was long, boring and I couldn’t really understand or comprehend what was being said. It seemed that everyone was more interested in dressing to impress than to concentrate on God. I figured I couldn’t impress God so I just gave up and went my own way. I did like the choir and music though.
A song suddenly popped into my head. Our God is an Awesome God. My chest went numb and tingled and the hair on the back of my neck stood up and I had a hard time trying to catch my breath. As the words rang louder and clearer (Our God is an Awesome God He reigns, from Heaven above with wisdom, power and love our God is an Awesome God), I fell of the tub and landed on my hands and knees. I began to sob as my entire body heaved. My face tingled as the tears kept pouring like a faucet. I was crying uncontrollably and I couldn’t breathe. The steam from the shower was making it even harder.
I crawled on all fours back to my bedroom, still weeping. I spread my body out on and floor, lying on my stomach. My body was beginning to convulse from crying and sobbing so hard. After several minutes, I caught my breath and looked up towards the window and saw the sun rays that were burning my eyes only minutes earlier. As the song continued in my head, Our God is an Awesome God; I finally realized that I hadn’t been awoken by the sun’s rays, but from the Rays of the Son.
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