My journey of faith had been a “roller coaster ride.”
I’ve ventured some rough roads and faced a traffic of doubts, fears and worries along the way, lost in the track. I risked the stop signs and got warning tickets, locked in my own prison cell of darkness called depression. I almost died a slow, painful death. There was even a time when I wanted to end it all. But the good Lord is still patient with me. In spite of my deception and lies, my First Love remains faithful.
One night, during one of those dreary, bleak moments of my life, I had a one-to-one conversation with God.
“Lord, I feel like I’ve failed You.”
There was uncomfortable silence. A feeling of numbness inside of me lingered as if a heavy bag of ice covered my chest adding to the coldness in my heart.
“Do you hear me, Lord? Why are You so far away?”
His answer was gentle and still, soft as a baby’s breathe, inaudible but a Mighty whisper.
“I’m here all along waiting for you.”
Tears of repentance flowed from my eyes. “Forgive me, Lord. Have mercy on me.”
I pleaded , “Lord, restore the joy of my salvation.”
“ You missed out on the joy because you’re too busy worrying instead of praying. I saw you running around in circles doing so many things leaving me out, when you can just sit still, let go and let God.”
The truth hurts. I placed little faith in Him whom I should trust most. Pride and self-centeredness robbed me of His joy that I failed to see His illuminating light.
I admitted my flaws. “But Lord, I keep falling down, getting up and falling down again. I feel like a failure.”
His response rekindled the tiny spark left in my spirit. “You are worthy and valuable in my eyes. I didn’t create you for nothing. I love you so much that I shed my blood and died for you. That’s how much I love you. Do you understand that?”
Tears flowed from my eyes, this time..tears of joy. God is real and true. He doesn’t lie. He is the real deal. He can be trusted. In fact, He is the Only One I can really trust.
After this conversation with God, I spent time in deep prayer with a pleading heart, and in a humble gesture, I sat before His throne with confidence. I felt His loving arms around me- a prodigal child being reconciled with His Heavenly Father. “My child, I’ve been waiting for this time all along, for you to return to me. I have prepared something wonderful for you to do. Come, follow me.”
I am gripping my life’s steering wheel tight, traveling the long road ahead with godly confidence , and this time I know when to step on the brakes. I can see clearly now the “yield sign” and the “go signal.” I know my journey of faith is a long process, a moment to moment faith walk. I came to Him just as I am. He remains faithful. He is the Captain of my soul, the Driver of my life.
I feel like I can walk in water with Him. No doubt about it. I already am!
“ For I am confident that he who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ.” ( Philippians 1:6 –NASB )
Gloria,Thank you for Sharing those Beautiful anointed words with us and sharing your Beautiful Spirit filled heart . I was blessed and greatly encouraged. Yes, He is always there with Arms of Love. "Abba" our Heavenly Father"Daddy" who is always there to Forgive us and pick us up when we fall.
I believe we all (children of God) suffer the same battle at some point and to some degree. You've painted a very vivid picture and, through your pain, have given us a testimony that can witness to every heart who reads it. Thank you for your humble obedience as you minister to us all.
Gloria, I so very much needed to 'hear' this; for two reasons. One, it is comforting to know, I am not the only one who feels I've failed the Lord. And two, because I needed to hear that Mighty whisper in my own ear. Thank you for sharing and comforting my heart. - Nancy