I sit, shivering
I’m so cold
All I can think
is that they don’t care
they don’t understand
they don’t know
what it’s like
to want to be sad
even though in your heart
you don’t really want to be
I cry
No one really cares about me
Well, God does
He always has
But I don’t need God right now
I don’t want Him
not right now
If no one else cares
why should He
I cry
I’m cold again
maybe pain
will make the cold go away
maybe if I just
stop being for a while
this terrible feeling
of emptiness will go away
I hold my breath
the sobs subside
then the pain comes
I welcome it
with open arms
then I can’t take it anymore
I let it out
I cry
Maybe if I close my vocal cord
it will be easier
I squeeze hard
My head starts pounding
I welcome that too
anything to keep from being
totally empty
Then the pain is too much
I let go
I cry
Then the thought of blood
seems so good
I clench my hands
My nails dig into my palms
I squeeze harder
If I don’t squeeze hard enough
I won’t bleed
I must bleed
I let go
no blood
I cry
Maybe if I hit my head
hard enough I’ll pass out
I bang it against the wall
each hit hurts more
finally, when the pain
goes all the way down my arms
I stop
I start again
same thing happens
I give up that option
I cry
Well, my wrists will bleed easier
I look on the floor
I see a broken reed
I pick up one of the pieces
I start scraping furiously
at my wrist
its too much
I try again
again its too much
I try just digging in one spot
I’m sure I’ll bleed this time
no blood
I cry
end of class comes
I have to babysit
I hope I don’t try
to kill them too
I walk into the band room
Many people notice
my drawn in appearance
They ask what’s wrong
I walk on
I sit down
Amy sits next to me
I tell her what happened
she understands
she relays to me
exactly how I felt
even before I can tell her
I thought I was alone
I thought no one understood
I guess I was wrong
I cry
(this is a true story of what it was like when I tried to commit suicide. This is just one way some of us can give up on God through illness.)
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