I was fifteen years old when I received the call. I was told that my mother had shot herself and had been taken to the hospital for emergency surgery in which she was refusing to allow. The caller, who was a family friend, came by picked me up and whisked me off to the hospital so I could sign the permission paper for her surgery, as my friend who was an adult co-signed.
It was too late. My mother had no desire to live anymore. Three days prior, my father had left her for another woman on the very same day my brother was tragically killed in a car accident. On this afternoon, she had just shot my father and fled from the scene. Going to the funeral home where my brother’s body was due to arrive she was grieving his untimely death at the age of nineteen. With calmness she asked for the location of the restroom. With one single bullet she emancipated herself once and for all. There would be no more torment, no more lies and no more deceit. She was free.
Looking back thirty years ago I guess I never suspected that anyone I knew would feel so hopeless, so helpless and so all alone. Today, as I walk through this life meeting various people from all sorts of backgrounds I have met some who were just like my mother. You see, when we become so inwardly focused on our own pain, our own lives and our own desires and the lucidity of them not being met that is when the reality of our state overcomes us. If not for the grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ I honestly do not know what would have happened to me. If it were not for the grace of His free gift, the compassion of my Father Creator and the many prayers of those for me and my family, I too would had become lucid in the reality of my own hopelessness.
If not for the price that was paid over two thousand years ago, if not for His blood that was shed for my salvation, if not for the feet of Him who brought Good News, if not for the cross that bore my sin, if not for the Savior who loved me more than His own life, these words would never be penned from a hand so unworthy. I am grateful for God in all His infinite wisdom, in that He was able to foresee the day I would turn my heart towards home, and made a way for me. I am grateful that when He formed me He already had my destiny in mind. He already knew the beginning and the end of my life before the foundations of this world. He knew me then, He knows me now and He still loves me just the same.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
and before you were born, I consecrated you;
(Jeremiah 1:5) NASB
The same hand that formed me is the Hand of Him who has led me beside the still waters. (Psalm 23)It is the Hand that has comforted me and restored my soul. It is the same Hand that willing was pierced for my transgressions. (John 20:27) It is the very Hand of God that has sustained me and caused me not to fall. (Psalm 55:22) Oh yes I know His Hand! It is His Hand that has provided for me when I could not find a way to provide for myself. (Philippians 4:19) It is His Hand that has protected me and continues to guide me daily in the direction He has purposely planned for me. (Psalm 12:17)
I suppose had I not known God loved me and knew me and desired good things for me as a teenager, I too would had become very much like my mother. I know the call He has placed on my life. I surrendered to the ministry when I was sixteen. In reality, all of us who have chosen to walk with Him have the same call on our lives. Until we realize what His purpose is for our lives, we will continue to feel hopeless, helpless and all alone. We will never be regarded as a victor, but live our lives in utter defeat. All we need to do is to reach out to the very Hand that placed us in our mother’s womb and let Him lead the way. My prayer today and everyday is, “Here am I Lord, use me!”
Copyright © 2005 Passion House Ministries, Jane E Morin
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