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Breaking up is Hard to Do
by Stephanie Colan
03/29/05
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Most people believe that rejection is the worst feeling in the world, and I could not agree more. We all long to be accepted in some way, shape or form; it is simply human nature to be wanted. In the realms of dating, the worst form of rejection is the break up. When your boyfriend or girlfriend deserts you, the heartache and pain you may face is indescribable. After having your heart shattered into pieces, how do you move on? Although dating is cute and romantic, it will eventually leave you in heartache. Breaking up with someone is like surgery, there are many steps and methods involved; however, unlike any surgery, the outcome usually creates more wounds then it heals, but this can be prevented if went about in the right manner.

In any relationship it is usually easy to know when things are not right. Your significant other may give you signs by their actions, body language or words. Say for instance you normally see each other regularly, and now for some unknown reason you do not. They may avoid being with you by making up excuses or ignoring you. Even though this maybe misread, their behavior is a good indicator that the relationship is not progressing as smoothly as it use to. Another way to tell that your boyfriend or girlfriend is leaning for the worst is when their affection for you starts to fade. Affection in a relationship is not the main focus, but it is essential. Body language also plays a factor with affection. One’s body language can be a give away to a person’s feelings, if you can read into it the correct way. If they start to become stand offish when you are both together, then I would start to wonder about what their body language is really telling you. Along with actions and body language their words also play a part when wondering if things are not going so well. A way to tell is if you notice change in what they say to you or when they start to not say as much.

The essential step to take when the relationship starts to fall apart is to reschedule your calendar. Do not make future plan that include you significant other because it will only get your hopes up. Start to make plans with the people and friends around you. Call up old friend and try to mend and work on those relationships instead of the one you are in. Especially, if you know that the relationship you are involved in is definitely over.

If you are questioning your relationship try not to get your hopes up, instead, prepare yourself for the worst. If you are a girl, stock up on chocolate and Ben and Jerry’s in order to prepare for the break up. Next, play out the worst-case scenario in your mind, so if it arises, you can know how to react. If you are a guy, talk to someone who has been through a difficult break up, and ask him or her for some advice. “The talk” could possibly be the most intimidating part of the process. Once again, play out all possibilities of how the talk might go. Second, try to think through how you will react. Play out how you might answer or respond to any questions or comments. The situation may not be as bad as you think it will, but if you prepare for the worst, the surprise of it going well, will be more pleasing.

“They say that breaking up is hard to do. Now I know, I know that it’s true...” Do you remember that song? It is called, “Breaking up is Hard to do.” This was a popular song in the fifties, which clearly shows the pain that ending a relationship causes. Now after preparing yourself for “the talk,” the time will come when the actual break up will occur. “More often than not, breaking up is as hard on the person ending the relationship as it is on the person being broken up with.” ( Cyber00.com)

Being the one who ends the relationship is just as difficult as the one who is being broke up with; so, understanding how to break up with someone the right way, is important. Now there are several do’s and don’ts to dumping your girlfriend or boyfriend. First, I will discuss the don’ts. Do not break up with them over the phone, through a text message or by leaving a message on their answering machine. All of these methods are extremely impersonal. It will also make them think that the relationship did not mean much to you. Next, do not break up with the person one a major holiday- Christmas, Valentine’s Day, their birthday-, anniversary, or any date that has meaning to the two of you. If this happens the pain will reoccur each time that date comes around. The pain of breaking up is enough, so why would you want to create more? Finally, do not make any harsh comments such as, “I never really loved you,” or “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” These words tend to linger through that person’s mind for a very long time. Moving on to the dos of breaking up. Firstly, reassure the person that there was something good in your relationship. By giving assurance, it will let them know that the relationship was real and that they were cared for. Next, remind the “dumpee” the wonderful aspects of themselves. Boosting their self-esteem will help to ease the pain they are feeling, it will also make it easier of you. Lastly, do be firm and spell out the terms of the separation clearly. In doing this it will help to eliminate any misunderstandings. If you remain firm, then there will be no room for the dumpee to try and change your mind. Breaking up is not an easy process, but by following these steps, it will help to make it easier on both of you.

When the tables turn and you are the one being dumped, it is hard to know how to react. One thing to remember when talking to the “dumper,” is to be open-minded to what they might say. Let them express themselves first before you put on your defense. Also, think before you speak. Hurtful words may cause you to want to react in a negative manner; however, if you react this way, it will only create more problems. To keep things civil, think out what your reaction will be, and consider how your words will affect the other person. Getting dumped is not the funniest experience in the world, but if you go about it the right way, the pain you feel will be lessened.

After being broken up with, you must sometimes endure a long process in order to get over your ex. You must first realize the essential fact, you were fine without your ex before you met them, and so you can get along without them now. For the first twenty-four hours after the break up, it is okay to grieve and cry. You may want to wallow around, and that is only natural; however, make sure you are always carrying excessive amounts of Kleenex’s with you at all times, in case of sudden outbursts. Try not to be alone during this time period. Call a close friend or your family to come be with you and comfort you. Put in a comedy and watch it while diving it some of Ben and Jerry’s scrumptious ice cream. (A huge spoon would work best when trying to devour large portions at a time).

As soon as a couple days go by, clean yourself up and try to distract yourself from thinking or dwelling on the situation. Pamper yourself by: go shopping, dancing, shoe shopping, relaxing in a sauna, going to a masseuse, wear something stunning, or even by exercising. Put all the pictures and other items that he/ she gave you in a box and hide them in a spot where you are unlikely to remember. Or try having a bonfire party. Next, it is important to let out your anger. Write your ex a letter. Pour out your hurt, disappointment, and anger, but do not send it. Whatever you do, do not try to contact your ex; this will just cause more drama. You will never be able to get over them if you have the idea you can make things work again. Accept that the fact it is over. Surround yourself with people in your life that care, such as family and friends. Know that even though you feel rejected and unloved, you are still loved dearly.

Mending your heart may take many weeks, months or years, but it can be done. Remember that liking and loving someone is a choice, and that choice is yours and yours alone. As easily you choose to like or love them, you can choose not to. This process will not be simple. In fact, getting over your ex and healing your heart will hurt; however, it can be done. Do not try and look for another boyfriend or girlfriend. In doing this, the grieving process will only be prolonged and you will be dragging them into your pain. The best step to take when mending your heart, is to find true happiness within yourself. Your ex cannot bring you happiness or heal you, only you can do this, in time.

Having your heart broken when a relationship come to a halt is not an easy obstacle. During your relationship, you may have become very close to that person, and giving them up is hard. Knowing how to break up with someone the right way, can help reduce the pain and heartache one may feel. The process can be simple if you follow these simple steps. Some may say that breaking up is hard to do; however, it does not always have to be.





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