Barry King: talk show host (spoof on Larry King)
King David: guest promoting his book “Psalms”
Callers 1 and 2: From off-stage
BNN Television Talk Show
2 Chairs, table, large microphone on table, BNN Barry King logo on projector screens, if available.
(Both Barry and David are on stage seated at the table when the lights come up.)
BARRY: (To audience) Good evening! I’m Barry King and this is Barry King Live. Tonight my guest is an extraordinary man with an amazing story. From rags to riches, from saint to sinner and back to saint. He’s been a shepherd, a musician, a poet, war hero, and eventually the king of one of the greatest nations in history. Please welcome my guest, King David.
DAVID: Hello, Barry. Thank you for having me on the show.
BARRY: Should I call you King David?
DAVID: Just David is fine. I haven’t been a king in many, many years.
BARRY: I know you’re here tonight to promote a book. And we’ll get to that. But, since this is your first television interview I’m sure our audience would like me to dig a little into your incredible life. Let’s start with your job as a shepherd when you were a just boy. What was that like?
DAVID: Well, I remember I used to smell pretty raunchy. Sheep are very dirty animals, Barry. And they’re not very smart either. By far, that was my least favorite job. I also had a part time job playing my harp for the king. He found my style of music rather soothing.
BARRY: Wasn’t that about the time you fought Goliath? Tell us about that.
DAVID: Yes. My older brothers were serving in King Saul’s army. They were fighting the Philistines.
BARRY: Israel at war. Some things never change.
DAVID: Right. My father…
BARRY: Your father’s name was Jesse, right?
DAVID: Yes, that’s correct. He was quite elderly by that time. He asked me to take some food supplies to my brothers and see how they were doing and then report right back to him.
BARRY: But, you didn’t follow his instructions, did you?
DAVID: Well, once I was down there I realized the morale of the army was pretty low. They were at a standstill. Each army was staring the other down. And then every day this giant, Goliath, would harass our soldiers, challenging them to a one-on-one dual.
BARRY: When you say giant, just how big was he?
DAVID: Oh, Barry, he was huge. Well over nine feet tall.
BARRY: Wow! I bet the NBA wishes they met him first.
DAVID: Goliath kept threatening the army and running his mouth, I finally got sick and tired of it. He deserved a beating.
BARRY: How did you decide to be the one to fight Goliath?
DAVID: I heard a rumor that the king was offering a very generous reward to any soldier who killed Goliath. The king was offering one of his daughters in marriage. And the soldier and their entire family would never have to pay taxes.
BARRY: So, the rumor was true?
DAVID: Yes. He even stood up among the men one evening and said, READ MY LIPS - NO MORE TAXES!
BARRY: Wow! I didn’t realize he was the first leader to say that.
DAVID: Anyway, I decided I had heard enough insults from Goliath…and it was time. He was going down! I told my brothers what I was planning to do and they just laughed at me.
BARRY: Your brothers weren’t supportive, huh?
DAVID: Are you kidding? They didn’t even want me hanging around the army camp. They’d say things like, “Shouldn’t you be watching a couple of sheep, little boy? Why don’t you go knit me a wool sweater”? And then I here them go, “Baa, baa, baa”. Sometimes they’d introduce me to the other soldiers as their younger sister, Little Bo Peep.
BARRY: It’s rough being the youngest. Go on with Goliath.
DAVID: Well, I couldn’t believe that the entire army was just letting this over-sized hemorrhoid hurl insults at them. Finally, a couple of soldiers brought me to King Saul so I could tell him I wanted a crack at the Giant. Well, he about fell off his chair. His first response was, “You’re just a boy. You can’t go against the giant Philistine. He’ll chew you up and spit you out”.
BARRY: King Saul really said that?
DAVID: His exact words, Barry. By that time I was really fed up with hearing about my age. In fact, I’d like to send a message to the young people in the audience. (To the audience) Don’t ever let someone tell you you’re too young to make a difference. Or you’re too young to dream big. God has great plans for you if you would just seek Him. (Back to Barry) Eventually I had the king’s blessing and he sent me out onto the battlefield. All of a sudden I see the biggest, meanest, ugliest, half-animal-half-man creature ever to walk the Earth. But he didn’t scare me. Oh, no. I knew what God wanted me to do. I took one stone, placed it in my sling and swung as hard and direct as I could. BLAM! Right in the center of the forehead. He fell so hard; you would have thought it was an Earthquake. I ran over to him, took his sword from his belt, stabbed him with it and cut off his head!
BARRY: The fighting methods haven’t changed much in that region.
DAVID: Next thing you know, I’m standing in front of King Saul with a bloody sword in one hand and Goliath’s head in the other. Boy, I’ll tell you Barry, (Laughs) when I woke up that morning I had no idea the day would end like that!
BARRY: Wow, what a story! This made you an overnight sensation. People all over the world were talking about your victory.
DAVID: More importantly, people had no choice but to recognize that the one and only true God was living among his people in Israel.
BARRY: Eventually, you were crowned King of Israel. You went from being a shepherd as a boy to one of the greatest leaders of the world. Fame, wealth, power. Did it change you much?
DAVID: Sure it changed me. It changed all of us. I’ll tell you, Barry, all that money and power can make one forget how they got there in the first place. My family paid a hefty price for some of my mistakes. We faced many struggles and heartaches due to some of the foolish choices I made.
BARRY: Let’s talk about that. The scandal between you and Monica – I mean Bathsheba. Sorry I’m getting my world leaders mixed up. Can you talk about the scandal?
DAVID: Sure. We can talk about that.
BARRY: How did someone like you, a faithful servant of God, and an important world leader come to such a place? You had an affair with Bathsheba; I think we all know that. And then arranged for the death of her husband. How did that come about?
DAVID: First of all, I was in a place where I should have never been. I should have been with my army. But, instead I stayed behind. It was a beautiful time of year – so I took a walk on the roof of the palace as I would most days. And while on one of my walks I looked over the city and I noticed this beautiful woman in her home. And I just didn’t stop looking when I knew I should. So, I had one of my advisors find out more about her. That’s how I learned her name and found out her husband was away. He was fighting for me in the army. Eventually, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I invited her over to the palace for dinner. And one thing led to another. I had gone too far and it was too late.
BARRY: Then you found out she was pregnant?
DAVID: Yes, a short time later she sent me a message saying she was pregnant. We knew I was the father because her husband was still away with the army.
BARRY: Since you knew her husband was Uriah and was serving in the army, why did you send for him to visit you in the palace?
DAVID: I was trying to cover the scandal. When I met with him I offered him a three-day leave and told him to go home to his wife. My plan was to get him to spend time with his wife, assuming he’d sleep with her and then he’d think the baby was his.
BARRY: Is it true that he refused to go home to his wife?
DAVID: That’s right, Barry. He wanted to remain faithful in his service to his country and his king. This only added to the guilt I was already feeling. It drove me so crazy and I became so desperate that I arranged for Uriah’s death while he was in battle. I thought by removing Uriah, I’d somehow remove the entire situation. I couldn’t see any other way out of it.
BARRY: And after his death you married Bathsheba. How did the scandal become public?
DAVID: My friend, Nathan, is a prophet and he knew something was wrong. He stopped by to visit me and while he was there he confronted me as if he already knew the whole story. I tried to deny it at first. But, the more he spoke the more I felt a griping pain in my gut. All that guilt and pain just came pouring out. I finally confessed that I sinned against God and all these people. I just broke down and wept like a baby.
BARRY: What was Nathan’s response?
DAVID: Well, he assured me that I was forgiven by God but he also said there were going to be some serious consequences to my sin. And one of the first things that happened after that day was Bathsheba’s baby – my son – came down with a deadly illness. I begged God to spare that child’s life. But, he soon died.
BARRY: Did you feel as if God had put a curse on you and you family?
DAVID: I wouldn’t call it a curse, Barry. God has put certain spiritual and physical laws into place. When those laws are broken or we step beyond his boundaries, there’s going to be consequences. Unfortunately, like most of us, I had to learn this the hard way. The consequences of our sins are not only going to affect us, but they will also affect the ones we love most. Our families.
BARRY: (To audience) If you’re just joining us, this is Barry King Live and my guest today is author, poet and former King of Israel, David. So tell us about your new book.
DAVID: It’s not actually a new book, Barry. We decided to do a book tour to promote one of the all-time favorites, Psalms.
BARRY: David, why is there a “P” in Psalms? Shouldn’t it be pronounced P-Salms
DAVID: Um, the “P” is silent.
BARRY: Does this book tour mean more royalties for you?
DAVID: (Laughs) No, Barry, my money-making days are long over. We just thought it was time to encourage people to read some of these books to reacquaint themselves with the loving nature of God.
BARRY: Reading this book will help them do that? What is the book about?
DAVID: As you know, I’ve written for most of my life. Sometimes stories, sometimes prayers, songs. But, I also kept a journal. So, the Book of Psalms is a compilation of songs, prayers and some of my journal entries. So the reader can get an idea of what I was feeling and how I was struggling during some of the darkest days of my life as well as time of celebration. All the while never giving up on my faith in God. We also included writings by some of my colleagues and family.
BARRY: Where can people find the Book of Psalms?
DAVID: Right smack, dab in the middle of the Bible.
BARRY: Really? So if someone already has a Bible then they already have the book of Psalms and it won’t cost them a penny.
DAVID: That’s right, Barry.
BARRY: (To audience) Let’s take some calls. Go ahead caller.
CALLER 1: Hi, Barry.
BARRY: Hello, who’s this and where are you calling?
CALLER 1: My name is Delores and I’m calling from Cleveland.
BARRY: Cleveland? Isn’t that somewhere near Ohio?
CALLER 1: Um, I think so. I have a question for King David. Solomon was your second son with Bathsheba and he took over your throne after you. Did that bother you at all?
DAVID: What do I care? I’ve been dead for 3000 years. (Laughs) Seriously, God chose him to be the next king and Solomon, for the most part, was extremely successful in that position. So, certainly I was okay with it.
BARRY: David, how about a quote from your Book of Psalms. Is there a favorite part you’d like to read on the air?
DAVID: Yes. I’d have to say the very last line of the book pretty much sums it up. It reads, “Let everything that has breath, praise the Lord!”
BARRY: (To audience) Hello, Walla Walla, Washington. You have a question for David?
CALLER 2: Actually, my question is for you, Barry. With all the Godly believers you have as guests on your show, I can’t understand why you’re not saved yet……(dial tone)
BARRY: I’m sorry we lost the caller.
DAVID: You can still answer the question, Barry. I’m sure you’ve heard that salvation can only come through Jesus now.
BARRY: (Avoiding the question) Isn’t Jesus a distant relative of yours?
DAVID: Yes, that’s true.
BARRY: I’m going to read something that Jesus said, “Why is it that the Messiah is said to be the son of David? For David himself wrote: ‘The Lord said to my Lord, sit in honor at my right hand until I humble your enemies, making them a footstool under your feet.’” That’s Jesus quoting you. That’s petty powerful stuff.
DAVID: Yes, it is. When I first heard Jesus quoting me, I was shocked. I had no idea The Father would use my work so many years later. By quoting that Psalm, Jesus was trying to teach the religious leaders that, yes, in fact he was my descendant, but more importantly He was God in the flesh. That he really was the Lord. He was the Messiah they were looking for.
BARRY: Do you run into Jesus much?
DAVID: Oh, sure. I see Him all the time. I live in His Father’s house.
BARRY: I’ve been trying to get him to be a guest on my show. The only thing his people will say is that he’s planning on appearing but they won’t tell us when. Do you have any idea what He’s planning?
DAVID: I know what everyone else knows, Barry. He still says only His Father knows the day and the hour.
BARRY: So, He could just show up anytime, huh?
DAVID: Yes, it could be any day now.
BARRY: Well, we’re out of time. (To audience) Be sure to see The Book of Psalms, found in Bibles everywhere. I’d like to thank my guest, David.
DAVID: My pleasure, Barry.
BARRY: (To audience) This is Barry King Live. Thanks for joining us tonight and good night!