Characters: Barbie - a scatterbrained blonde
Quentin - highly intelligent, highly organized young man
Props: 2 mobile phones
Table and chairs
Suitcase & clothes for Barbie
Travel Bag for Quentin
Passports & tickets
Hand luggage for Barbie
Pad of paper and pen
Scene: Barbieís flat. Scene opens with Barbie on her mobile phone.
BARBIE: Yes mum, Iíll be careful. [pause and pretend to listen]
Yes mum, I wont wander off anywhere by myself. Yes mum, even if I am desperate in the middle of the African Rainforest.
[pause and listen, then give a really big sigh]
Yes mum, Iíll wear the proper shoes [holds up the pretty shoes, pauses and listens]
Yes mum, I have got everything ready. [point to each item in turn]
Suitcase - packed - yes
Hand luggage - packed - yes
Tickets - yes
Passport. Er, yes - passport. [looks around for passport but cannot see it]
Em - got to go mum. Iíve, er Iíve left the cooker on. Donít worry about me. Iíll be with all the others from the Mission School, and you know Quentin is organized enough for all of us, including me. Bye mum. See you in a couple of weeks. [ pause and look around very worried. Start to sound exasperated] Yes mum. Yes I will be careful. Iíve really got to go Bye mum. Bye.
Barbie switches off her phone and runs over to her hand luggage, turning the contents out onto the table. She moves things around, muttering to herself. Then she goes to her suitcase and empties the contents on the settee. She starts to sort through her clothes by throwing them on the settee and the floor one at a time. All the time she is muttering things like ďWhere is it?Ē ďWhat have I done with it?Ē etc.
Thereís a knock on the door and Quentin lets himself in, oblivious at first to the mess.
QUENTIN: Right, I left Julia, Mark and Cynthia at the Cyber Cafť. Weíre all ready. Everything is on the minibus ready for a six oíclock start in the morning. You know, I think Iím getting a few butterflies in my stomach. Weíll see a few of those you know. Huge big ones, not like the poor specimens we have here. Where was I. Oh yes, Iíll take your suitcase down to the bus now, and then we can go and join everyone for a hot chocolate. Oooooh I am so excited. I have been planning this mission field trip to deepest darkest Africa for two years. I feel just like Stanley going in search of Livingstone.
BARBIE Donít you mean Hardy?
QUENTIN [confused] Hardy? Why Hardy?
BARBIE Stan Laurrel and Oliver Hardy - isnít that who you are talking about?
QUENTIN Sometimes I really worry about you Barbie.
Quentin suddenly notices that the flat is a mess and Barbie is still throwing clothes out of her suitcase.
QUENTIN Er, Barbie you are ready to go arenít you?
BARBIE Sort of.
QUENTIN Sort of?
BARBIE Yes, well. I am ready. I mean I was ready. I mean . [squeals desperately] Quentin youíve got to help me. Iíve lost my passport.
QUENTIN Your passport! No. Thatís not possible. Weíre leaving in [checks watch] Ten hours, eleven minutes and forty five, forty four, forty three. It is totally unthinkable, it is preposterous, it is
BARBIE [interrupts] Quentin please. I need you to [throws arms in the air] I donít know what I need you to do, I just know that youíve got to do something. Please.
QUENTIN Right. We must be organized. First things first. I need a pen and some paper.
QUENTIN Please Barbie. We donít have time for pointless questions. I am going to write a list, ergo the need for something to scribe with and upon. Now please pass me the pen and paper.
Barbie finds a pad of paper and pen on the table, and gives them to Quentin.
QUENTIN Thank you. Now to get organized. First Iíll make a list of all the places youíve already looked for your passport. Then I make a list of all the places you havenít looked. Then Iíll check the first list off against the second list to make sure there are no repetitions, and then
BARBIE Wouldnít it be better if I
QUENTIN Barbie, please. May I just ask which one of us is well organized, packed and ready to embark on our mission field trip without further ado, and which one of us is, how can I say this, ah I know, which one of us is somewhat lacking in the area of documentation?
BARBIE Em, I donít know. Is it a trick question?
QUENTIN No itís not. Let me put it like this. Which one of us is packed and ready to leave tomorrow morning, and which one of us has lost their passport?
BARBIE Oh I see. Well I was packed and ready, but then my mum phoned, and told me to be careful and not wander off by myself. Then she asked me if my suitcase was packed and it was - then. Next she asked if my hand luggage was ready and I said Ďyesí, because it was - then - but it isnít now. You do understand donít you Quentin. And then
QUENTIN Barbie - are you ready to leave now?
QUENTIN: There you are then.
QUENTIN: Barbie you are impossible. I am trying to infer that as I am packed and ready to leave tomorrow morning, together with all my relevant documentation, I am far more organized than you are, so therefore we will carry out the search for your passport in the most appropriate way. That is, my way.
BARBIE [really excited] I know that song - I did it my way.
Quentin takes his mobile phone out of his pocket and looks at it.
QUENTIN: Barbie this is a serious matter. That was a message from Julia. Iím needed elsewhere. Now Barbie hereís the pen and paper, make your lists, and follow them through to the logical conclusion of where your passport is located. I am afraid I must leave you. Please Barbie is it imperative that you are methodical and meticulous in your quest. Ring me as soon as you are successful.
BARBIE: Methodical? Meticulous? Quest? What is he on about, I havenít got time for all that, Iíve got to find my passport.
Barbie sits at the table and puts each item back into the hand luggage one by one, naming each item as she does so. [eg lipstick, tissues, brush, etc]
Then she collects all the clothes she has thrown on the floor and sits on the settee. One by one she folds them and puts them back into the suitcase.
When everything is back in the suitcase she wails loudly
BARBIE: What am I going to do? Iíve searched, and searched and I cant find my passport.
Looks under the cushions on the settee and under the settee.
BARBIE: I donít know where else to look? Oh what am I going to do?
Barbieís phone rings.
BARBIE: Hello mum. [pause] Yes mum everything is fine. [pause] No mum, Iím sure everything is okay. [pause - starts to j ump up and down very excited] No mum, of course I havenít forgotten my passport is in my handbag. Mum I really do have to go now. Bye.
Barbie runs over to the settee and opens her handbag and pulls out her passport. She dials Quentin on her mobile.
BARBIE: Quentin itís me. Iíve found it. Iíve found my passport. Iím coming down to the Cyber Cafť now to celebrate. Order me a hot chocolate.