CHURCH - A SPECTATOR'S SPORT
Mr. & Mrs. Arrogant (middle aged couple, dressed nicely for Sunday Church, sport coat for Mr., Mrs. Likes to gossip, Mr. is arrogant/proud)
Mr. & Mrs. Nogood (elderly couple, crabby, negative)
John (New Christian, mid-twenties, single male)
5 chairs, 1 large checkbook, church bulletins, bibles, 1 large clock, toilet paper.
Church sanctuary. Chairs in a row facing audience.
Two judging couples talking about everything wrong in the church.
Want to make it better? Get involved!
M/M ARROGANT ENTER STAGE RIGHT AND TAKE SEAT ON END CHAIRS. MRS. A ON INSIDE CHAIR, MR. A ON END CHAIR.
MRS. A: I just donít know if I trust Mrs. Smith with our kids in the nursery. Every Sunday she seems so stressed out with all those toddlers. You know sheís never had any children of her own. Iím not sure what thatís all about.
Mr. A: Youíd think another lady would help her out from time to time.
Mrs. A: (Nodding head) HmmmÖ Well, Iím just grateful we even have a nursery. At least we can enjoy an hour or two without the kids.
Mr. A: (Pulling out huge checkbook from inside jacket.) Iíd better write the check for our tithe. If it werenít for my big check every Sunday this church would never make it.
Mrs. A: (Patting her husbandís knee) And Iím sure the Pastor appreciates it too.
M/M NOGOOD ENTER STAGE LEFT AND TAKE SEATS AT OTHER END OF ROW. MRS. N ON END INSIDE CHAIR, MR. N ON END CHAIR.
Mrs. N: Good Morning, Betsy & Aaron.
Mrs. A: Hello, Shirley. You look just thrashing today.
MR. N PLACES A HUGE CLOCK ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO HIS CHAIR.
Mr. A: Whatís that for?
Mr. N: In case the pastor goes off on one his tangents he can see what time it is. Maybe weíll actually get out of here before next Tuesday.
Mrs. N: Did you see that old, beat-up pshycodelic bus in the parking lot?
Mr. N: I thought maybe the Partridge Family was here to do special music.
Mrs. A: Thatís the Pennwellís new vehicle. (Gossiping) You know they have about 18 kids now.
Mr. N: Itís almost as if they never read past Genesis 1:28. (All look with confusion on their faces.) You know, when God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and fill the Earth?
Mr. A: Thinking of The Partridge Family reminds me of the worship team. You know Ė ten people up there but only one is really playing an instrument and only one of the singers can really hold a tune. (Laughing)
Mrs. N: You know, years ago, when I was the music director for a Church in Austin, I had that worship team in complete unison singing and playing a wide range of music. Not just this new stuff thatís beginning to get old anyway.
Mr. N: And if I have to hear ďShout to the LordĒ one more time, Iíll be shoutiní alright. But, it wonít be the Lord.
Mrs. A: Someone with a musical background ought to help them out.
ALL: (Nodding yes) HmmmÖ
Mr. A: I wonder what todayís sermon is about?
Mr. N: No matter what, it canít be half as bad as that young manís testimony last week. What was his name?
Mrs. A: JohnÖJohn something.
Mrs. N: I was shocked the pastor let him stand up and spill all the filth on the stage. Right here in the LORDíS house!
Mrs. A: I canít believe the trouble he got himself into!
Mr. N: The people he used to see!
Mrs. A: The places he used to go!
Mr. A: The things he used to do!
ALL: (In Unison) Oh, My!
Mrs. N: The past is the past. You should keep it there. Iím sure no one wants to see MY dirty laundry.
Mr. N: You got that right!
Mrs. A: Letís just THANK God that Jesus cleaned him up before brining him into OUR church.
Mr. A: It would be a good thing for someone to invite that John over for dinner.
ALL: (Pause, thinking then nodding yes) HmmmÖ
Mr. N: Donít look behind us but there he is. (All look behind) I said donít look! He may think itís an invitation to sit next to us.
Mrs. N: I wonder why heís so late?
Mrs. A: He probably still has trouble getting up in the morning. (Gossiping) Iíve heard some of those old habits are hard to break.
JOHN ENTERS STAGE RIGHT AND APPROACHES MR. A.
Mr. A: Well, speak of the devil. (Mrs. A hits him) I mean speak of what came from the devil. (Mrs. A hits him again) I mean, we were just talking about you.
Mrs. A: Yes, we truly enjoyed your testimony last week.
Mrs. N: You really blessed us!
John: Thank you. Is this seat taken? (He takes empty seat between the two couples)
Mr. N: Hi, John. Iím Mr. Nogood. This is my wife Shirley.
John: (Slowly) Shirley Nogood.
Mr. N: (loud, with emphasis) Exactly!
John: (Jumps up, with excitement) Oh, boy! Itís time for meet and greet. This is my favorite part of the service. (Gets up and moves to rear, back to audience)
Mr. N: Thatís my cue. I gotta hit the menís room. (Gets up and stands in rear, back to audience)
(REMAINING CAST STAND UP, SHAKE EACH OTHERS HANDS, WELCOME EACH OTHER AND SIT RIGHT BACK DOWN.)
Mrs. N: Why should we try to meet new people? Iíve been coming here for ten years. There are new people every week and I rarely ever see them again.
Mrs. A: I canít imagine why that is?
John: (Returns, cheerfully) I just met 400 new people!
ALL: (Responding in unison, bored) Thatís nice.
Mr. N: (Returns with toilet paper hanging out back of pants. Walks across front of stage and returns to seat) Well, I see the teens are all in their places. The last two rows.
Mrs. N: We used to call that sinners row.
Mr. N: And for good reason.
Mr. A: I bet, if we melted down all the silver from their body piercings we just might have enough money to finish paving the parking lot.
Mrs. A: Some of those teens actually come to church on their own without their parents.
Mrs. N: How is that possible?
Mr. A: There must be some reason why they get up and go to church.
Mrs. A: I just canít figure it out.
John: Maybe they love Jesus.
Mrs. N: All I know is that the pastor could really use some help with the youth.
ALL (except John): (Nodding yes.) HmmmÖ
Mrs. A: Iíve always wondered why most the single men sit over there, (Points left) and the single women all sit together over there (Points right).
Mr. N: Thatís probably why theyíre still single.
Mrs. N: I feel so sorry for them. All alone.
Mrs. A: Making their own decisions.
Mr. A: Coming and going as they please.
Mr. N: No one to answer to.
Mr. A: Absolutely nothing tying them down.
Mr. N: Never fighting over the remote control.
Mr. A: Never arguing over money.
Mr. N: (Excitedly and loudly) Iím lusting for their FREEDOM!
John: Your talking about me like Iím not even here. (Correcting them) We also struggle to trust God to keep us pure. And itís not easy to find trustworthy friends. People who can hold us accountable.
Mrs. A: I suppose thereís some truth to that.
Mr. A: You know what would be good for you, John?
John: No, what would be good for me?
Mr. A: If you got involved with some of the ministries around here.
Mrs. A: How are you with toddlers?
Mr. A: How are you with teenagers?
Mrs. A: How about planning activities for the singles?
Mrs. N: Do you have any musical talents?
Mr. N: How are you with having yourself over for dinner?
John: (Irritated, shouts) Slow down, freaks! (Takes a deep breath and continues calmly) Iím meeting with the pastor next week to see where God might be able to use me. You see, Iím here to serve, not to be served.
Mrs. N: Well then, maybe something will finally get done around here.
Mrs. A: Weíre so glad you joined our church.
Copyright c. 2004 Dale L. Davis
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