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Internal War
by Brenda Kern 
01/31/05
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"Should I?"

The concept had barely formed the question in her mind before the answer came, right on top of it.

"I want to. Oh, I really want to."

Problem. She knew she shouldn't.

She and God had had many discussions about this, yet here she was, once again, facing the same temptation.

"But it would be so good, I just know it!"

The old internal war had begun again.

"It would be different if I were somewhere else," she thought with a twinge. What does the Bible say? Flee? She hadn't fled. She had come here on purpose, knowing how many times she had failed before when she had placed herself at this juncture.

Memories of other times she had given in washed over her mind in a flood. Indeed, it was good--a hollow, temporary, guilt-laden kind of good. "Why can't I ever remember the aftermath? And this launches such a vicious cycle in me--why do I even dance with this danger for a moment?"

She thought of all the other people who didn't even have to think about fighting this desire--for them it wasn't an issue of right and wrong, just a normal part of life, a simple satisfaction. It wasn't fair! They can, and I can't!

She shut her eyes and imagined how sweet it would be...

This wasn't what God wanted for her life--she knew that through and through. She knew He wanted to be first; He wanted to be the One she ran to.

Maybe there was some way she could make up for it afterwards. Maybe she could strike a bargain with God!

Her thoughts were tumbling and stumbling all over each other now, and she felt her heart beat faster.

No one would see her and no one would know--she had chosen the place carefully.

Almost! She had actually begun to turn and leave, then the guy she had been waiting for looked her in the eye and asked what she wanted.

She purchased the pound of fudge and left the chocolate shop.

In the most shadowy corner of the parking garage, she ate--one bite of the sweet, followed by one bite of bitter shame.

Brenda Kern



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Member Comments
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Karen Treharne 17 Feb 2005
Love it, love it, love it! Being one of those people with a "sweet tooth", I really relate to this story. Good take on the sweet and the bitter at the end. Yours in Christ, ladybug Karen




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