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The Journal -- A Thought On Struggle
by george elerick
01/26/05
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Journal Entry:

I can't seem to measure the distance between the hammer and the nails, either way it doesn't seem to matter enough to me to stop sinning. I'd rather run my own course and at the opportunity of betrayal versus friendship, I would easily take a moment I call bliss to betray the One who loves me so much. I can't seem to measure the distance between my pride and the spear thrust deep inside. I would rather hide in my own pride than to be like the prodigal and run home, and yet, just like the story says, the Father is waiting in excited expectation. So, what is stopping me? What am I hiding from? Why can't I live the truth I know about being loved UNCONDITIONALLY, without limits. That grace restores me, I think I don't like grace as much as I profess, I am a big advocate of it, but when it comes down to actually applying what I know, I would rather choose what I know to be wrong rather than embrace what is within my being and heart to be much more transcendant than veins, heart and blood. When it comes down to it, I can confess many things, that yes Jesus is Lord, but at best only on days when I allow Him to be, I am flawed and through sin management sometimes I am cleaning up so well, and through sin management I cheat myself out of the reality of God's grace. I love to love and be loved but to go beyond myself that is almost impossible. One thing I have come to learn is that faith in what I cannot see is not from me, it is a gift from God, I have to allow Him to increas my faith. So, please pray that I do so, that I never lose the wonder, no matter how many unnecessary wounds I consistently introduce into me and out to others and to the cause.

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