HOW MY WIFE CURED ME OF 'FLIP-FLOPPING'
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Those who knew me when I wore a young parson's suit and tie would willingly attest to the fact that I reigned as the "flip-flop" king, and to be honest, I was rather happy in this position with no desire to resign. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds."
If that is true, I have a more than ample mind.
For some reason, certain persons (and you know who you are) are fanatics when it comes to consistency. I don't want to be guilty of dropping names, heaven knows I've dropped everything else, but one such person, who shall remain nameless, lives in my house.
In my past, I've been an advocate of the advantages of inconsistency and offered my opinion on the subject at irregular intervals.
For an example, I've always believed "variety is the spice of life." What would this world be without such diversity?
I think I have God on my side in this. Look at His creations. The genuine proof, in my mind, that God created the heavens and the earth is in this variety of the species.
God did not just create "a bird." God created hundreds of varieties of birds of every color imaginable, as well as other things.
Whatever God has created, He has done so with an infinite number of variations on the subject. Certainly, God believes in variety.
Another advantage of inconsistency is it keeps friends and family off-guard and guessing. If I would do the same thing over and over, my friends and family would come to a certain level of expectation from me.
What a bore.
However, if I am constantly flip-flopping, nobody knows exactly what I'm going to do next. And for my money (if I had any) I go for the zing of flip-flopping.
I would not say this to just anyone, but, the chief benefit to flip-flopping is less strain on the tiny grey cells. I don't have to remember everything.
Although flip-flopping has many desirable advantages, the biggest disadvantage to my inconsistency is the Mistress of the Parsonage. Some people, as I've mentioned, take a low view of flip-flopping.
Her view, as it turned out, was the lowest. I would soon find out just how low.
Recently I treated the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage to an early morning repast at the Slurp ‘N Burp Café. That is just the kind of guy I am.
In retrospect, it was a bad idea. I thought my life was going great. I thought nothing could really be improved in my life, but the husband is always the last to know certain things.
Women, especially wives, have a sixth sense about these things, whereas men, particularly husbands, haven't a clue. Women are usually referred to as the "fairer sex," but, and I speak with authority, they do not play fair.
Everything came to a head (my head, that is) when I started ordering my breakfast. I could not decide on what I wanted for breakfast. At first, it was eggs, then pancakes, then oatmeal. All of the selections looked delicious and I just couldn't make up my mind.
I finally settled on eggs but could not decide how I wanted them. With so many ways to fix eggs, it is hard to make a decision on scrambled, fried or soft-boiled. They all sounded scrumptious at the time.
I settled on scrambled eggs but called the waitress back five times to change my order. In hindsight, I see my problem but; then I was held hostage to my changeability, which quickly turned into a liability.
As the waitress left the table for the fifth time, I was about to recall her when my eyes happened to catch my wife's eyes. I was startled to see fiery daggers dance from her eyes in — yes, you guessed it — my direction.
The most staggering element were the words spattering from her mouth. To say I was shocked is like saying a skunk has aroma issues.
"Either," she snarled, "you flip or you flop." She took a deep breath and continued, "This flip-flopping has got to stop, and stop now."
I do not know the difference between a flip and a flop. Is a flip, for example, worse than a flop? Moreover, is it possible to flip and not flop?
To this day, I have no idea of what she meant, but at the time, I could see she was in no mood to explain and I was not in a frame of mind to hear her explanation. After all, I am a gentleman and I love life — especially my own.
Then she gave me that womanly grimace, conveying the idea that she really meant what she said and furthermore, she could back it up with actions. I don't know what those "actions" were, and believe me, I can live the rest of my life without that wee bit of knowledge, thank you.
Later that day I reflected on this incident and reached for my Bible. Several verses suggested themselves to me.
"For I am the Lord, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed." (Malachi 3:6 KJV.)
And the New Testament verse that says, "Jesus Christ, the same yesterday and today, and for ever." (Hebrews 13:8 KJV.)
As I meditated on these two verses, my heart warmed with gratitude that Jesus did not flip-flop when it came to my redemption.
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