After my marriage ended, I felt completely alone. I had given all of myself to my wife. I always went home to her. Unlike the past this time it was just me and God. He didn’t give up on me. I believe He purposed it for me to be alone. This would turn out to be one of the most difficult times of my life. So I turned to alcohol and more pornography to find comfort. I knew that lusting after women was wrong and that I need to nurture real relationships and end the cycle and attempt to get victory. One day I decided to just stop. I realized I was leading a major life of defeat and that there was so much more to walking with God than what I was experiencing. After realizing that if I just held on I could attain some joy and happiness. Although it was a process, I just got fed up with the defeat and finally gave God a chance to help. I remember crying out desperately on many occasions but this time, it came from deep, deep within my soul. It came from a desperate heart that was hurting, needing to be loved. I was desperate. I was living defeated and wanted to be victorious. I had been so blinded to the truth. I had bought the lie that pornography had given me. I soon realized His Love and comfort would creep in and I found that the more I was obedient the more His presents comforted me in a real way and then and only then was I able to experience His Love. I had been a Christian for years but didn’t know that I could be in Love with God or that he really loved me. I didn’t know that we are to show God we love Him by being obedient. Obedience, what’s that? I didn’t have a clue. I had no idea what obedience was. I had to learn what it was like to be obedient and what it was like to actually Love Him. I had to seek Him and grow to understand Him and realize that it was all about having a relationship with Him and telling Him my deepest feeling that enabled me to understand that once you give Him more, he gives you more. It is then when the Love for Him grows in your heart it makes you want to be obedient to Him as in if you were in a relationship with someone. Like respecting their feelings and only giving yourself to them and not doing things you shouldn’t do.
It took about 10 years for me to understand that I was looking for love through physical affection and pornography. It was a tough road and a lot of wasted time and emotions. I was looking for love my way and I wanted immediate gratification. Only when I was very low and down did I come to realize that the love I really needed could only come from God. Physical affection had nothing to do with Love. I knew that if I was ever to have a wife again that I would need to be able to Love her the right way as Christ loved the church and how He showed me His Love, in a non-physically affectionate way. I can only now see how this can happen. Through Christ I have realized that I don't need to have intimate physical affection to be loved. He wanted to show me His love but I would not allow Him to. I wanted to do it my way. I wanted to feel loved the way I thought it was suppose to be.
I am no longer addicted to porn and have been free from it. I now have the ability to walk away as temptation will always be there. It’s what we do with the temptation that sets us apart. God give us the strength to walk away from things that are not of Him and as we fall in Love with Him in the most intimate way we make better choices regarding the things we do. God showed me that this awesome Love surpassed the love that I was trying to get from through physical affection. His Love now sustains me. I now know that love does not come from mere physical affection. You see God wanted me to be completely honest with Him and tell Him how I felt about everything, not in a vague generic way but in depth. I conveyed specific feelings and desires to Him. He truly knows what we need. I must tell you that this Love from God is very personal and intimate. This is the kind of Love you want to shout from the hilltops, yet a kind of Love that is so very intimate that He has a very special name for us, like for a lover in the earthly sense. He desires our complete heart like that of a companion. You would not give your spouse just part of your heart. God desires us to tell Him our deepest thoughts, feelings, and desires. To die on a cross and to endure that physical pain is beyond my comprehension. But it shows how much He loved us. Just think what it would be like if there was an earth quake and you covered you child to keep from harm. This is a love unsurpassed. This Love stated in Galatians two-twenty. “ I have been Crucified with Christ nevertheless I live for the life I live now I live by faith in the Son of God who Loved me and gave Himself for me. This tremendous Love, He endured with such excruciating pain, all because He loved us. The mind cannot comprehend it. All I have and I know all we really want is to be loved. This is the message of the Cross. With its message of Love that Christ and the cross conveys. He wants to set you me and the world free from our sins. He has set us free if we would just lay down our lives in obedience to Him. “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not calamity to give you hope and a future” . The essence of this scripture goes beyond our simple well being as stated in the verse about the birds of the air. I firmly believe God elevates us in His world as we walk in Obedience to Him. I had not love or trust to give, my heart was broken from the past. I had learned from the “Purpose Driven Life” to be totally honest with God. I got on my knees one night all alone in my apartment. I cried out literally to God and told Him I was afraid, afraid to trust Him. He dried my eyes and gave me peace. God wanted me to just be honest with Him. He is my deepest best friend. There is no other. Again, God revealed to me that His Love better than any relationship I had ever had. It is His Love that comforts me. I once burned with so much lust. But God took that unholy burn away. Now, I have the burning passion of His Love in my heart. Porn robbed me of so much life and emotionally. But through many tears of healing God has restored what the moth had eaten.
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