I was enticed by the most enticing lure of them all. Sex and the misconception of fantasy gratification, pornography. I tried to attain love through these sexual experiences. Nothing could be so disastrous. Sex alone is not love. Nor is sex a means to convey love. I thought they were one in the same. Not at all. My first exposure to sexuality was through pictures. Through pictures, I imagined them loving me and likewise. I felt loved as they exposed themselves to me. Imagining them having sex with me made me feel loved. It was a connection, but it was a lie that would take me down a road of private pain and turmoil for years. Since this was all I knew I thought that this was what I needed. From my teen years to becoming an adult I pursued love through sex and masturbation.
I met someone and got married at an early age and our sexual togetherness made me feel loved. I felt loved, fulfilled, and completed through our sexual togetherness but I found it only lasted for a little while as then I needed it again right away. I actually considered this heaven. We had our own place and we were able to have sex all the time. I cherished those moments but the times when we didn’t have sex, I would feel alone and many times I would lay there and cry with tears but silently, so she could not hear me. She ended up cheating on me and my whole world fell apart, my life felt destroyed. The thought of her giving herself to someone else devastated me. After all she gave her body to me. At least I thought she loved me because she had sex with me. What I didn’t know was she gave herself also to other men for drugs. We divorced. I tried God again and thought I was on the right track.
About a year went by and I met a Christian woman. Although I didn’t marry for sex as we waited for that cause we were Christians. I still had the old thinking about the physical affection and sex. We had a good marriage for several years and had closeness and sex but the same pattern set in eventually and the physical was all that eventually drove the marriage. For my wife, sex became a chore so I turned to porn again after all it was always there.
I chased the fantasy gratification again for years. I can remember watching videos over and over again and never ever being satisfied. It was a physical release but left me emotionally bankrupt with a tremendous amount of shame that would set in afterwards. The shame I had experienced was beyond anything I had ever been through. I just wanted more and more. One time while watching a video, there was a woman having rough sex. I knew this was wrong but one thing that spoke to me through this was that she wanted more. She was not satisfied. This got my attention knowing that this woman was getting all the sex she could want but wanted more. As is porn, It will never satisfy and it will ALWAYS leave you…..wanting more. I burned with this lust for years. I was so out of control. Through all the shame, I realized that what I was going after was not real and left me empty. I even went to see a therapist because I thought something was wrong with me. He didn’t have a clue. I would find out later that what I was really looking for was Love, real Love that could only come from God. I would see other Christians and their joy and I often felt defeated and didn’t understand why I didn’t have joy or relate to people telling me about His Love. I had no idea what His Love was nor what it was able to be or that I could experience it.
Thank you,
Gary
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