ANOTHER SUMMER PASSES AND I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND
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I awoke early this morning and it suddenly dawned on me. I know I'm not the sharpest pencil in the box, but I do have the biggest eraser and that should count for something.
Sometimes it takes me a long time to get the point. Like last week. Someone stopped in my office and visited for about 20 minutes. When he left, my wife asked, "Well, did he get any money out of you this time?"
My more than usual quizzical look told her I did not know what she was saying. In fact, in the 29 years of complete marital bliss, I must admit I have not always known what she was saying.
In the early years of my marriage experience, this bothered me. Like a good devoted husband, I strained to understand everything my pretty little bride was saying.
Why doesn't someone prepare young men for their encounter with the fairer sex? Whoever said they were fair? They sure don't play house, fair.
For instance, during the first few years of wedded bliss I discovered another world. I came home from the office one day and found my young bride sitting on the sofa, crying. In great alarm, I ran over to her trying to imagine the terrible incident that brought on such a flood of tears.
As her Knight in Shinning Armor, I was prepared to slay that nasty dragon and rescue her.
"What's wrong?" I asked with all the masculinity I could muster. Being the hot dog that I am, I use a lot of mustard.
"Nothing," she sobbed.
"Are you sick?"
"Did anything happen?"
"Did I do something wrong?"
At the time, I could not think of anything I did or didn't do, but it was worth a shot. Then came the ultimate response. It must be something in the female gene pool because I do not know any man who understands this reply and I refuse to swim in that pool by myself. I wear the pants in our house, but genes are something else, and I keep zipped on that issue.
"Well," my wife whimpered, "if you don't know, I can't tell you."
To this day, I still do not know what this means. In life I have learned several important things. Never mix politics and religion; let sleeping dogs lie; and never try to figure out what is wrong with your wife. By the time you figure her out, she has moved onto new territory and it starts all over.
Experience has taught me that a St. Francis of Assisi smile and a confident nod of the head gets me through most marital entanglements. As a husband, mine is not to know the reason why, just smile and say, "You're right honey."
My good wife assures me that husbands have their share of quirks the same as their spousal counterparts. I will not argue with her on that.
Getting back to my visitor last week. "That guy," my wife explained to me, "was after money."
Reflecting on the conversation, I did remember him saying things like, "Does your church help people; I sure could use some help with my electric bill; and, I need to visit my sick aunt in Pennsylvania."
I do not respond well to hints. My wife can drop hints all year about what she would like for Christmas. But, I'm like a barnyard chicken at a pork convention and this Christmas, true to form, I expect to lay another egg in the gift-giving department.
As a member of the harsher sex, I do not like beating around the bush on issues. My motto is; "say what you mean and mean what you say."
If that sounds a little mean, I can't help it. It sure is less taxing on the little gray memory cells, and I am for anything that cuts down on my taxes.
Getting back to this morning. I awoke early and it suddenly dawned on me. I do not have to be hit over the head with a two-by-four, but my wife has not ruled this out entirely and keeps one handy just in case.
It suddenly dawned on me that summer is over.
What I want to know is, where does the summer go? And, why? Did I do something to offend its gentle breezes?
I just get used to the fact that it is summer and then I discover it is over. Kaput! Finis! History!
The Mistress of the Parsonage, as she brought me my breakfast in bed (ha! fat chance), remarked on "How fast time flies as one gets older."
I know what you're thinking, and I didn't.
Sure, I could have said, "Well, Honey, you should know." Or, "I'll take the word of experience on that one." But I didn't. It's not so much that I'm a gentleman. I simply reverence life - mine in particular.
I thought about this as I shaved and got ready for my day. Then, I took a second look in the mirror and got the shock of my life.
If you want a rude awaking in the morning, do what I do. Go to the bathroom, turn on the light and take a good look in the mirror.
If "time flies," as my good wife believes, then it crashed somewhere near me. If time is my friend, there is absolutely nothing left my enemies can do to hurt me.
Time has a way of getting away from me and it does not seem like I can save time.
The Bible makes this clear in several ways. "The harvest is past, the summer is ended, and we are not saved." Jeremiah 8:20 KJV.)
The Bible says, "And that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we believed." (Romans 13:11 KJV.) And this marvelous statement, "Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved." (Acts 4:12 KJV.)
There is no time like the present.
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