When I got married in 2002, I was excited at the thought of being able to be home with my child, without having to go out into the workforce I had been in since I was 18 years old. I felt blessed because God had given me such a wonderful man, who was willing to sacrifice so that I could be at home full-time. After all, I had been a single working my tail off for the last 10 years to make sure that my son was taken care of, sacrificing much.
When I moved from Los Angeles to Chicago, I knew the transition would be hard. However, my assumption was that since I was going to be home, the acclaimation to a new place would be beneficial for all involved. Well, let me tell you, being home was not what I thought it would be. However, I serve a God Who sits high and looks low. He knew that pain and what was occuring in my life. He even knew what was about to happen.
I tried for a while to play “Susie Homemaker”. I kept my home sparkling clean, cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner during the week (my husband usually cooks on the weekend or we eat out), homeschooled my 10 year old, and kept a neat appearance for my man, so that when he came home he would see beauty. The only thing I didn’t do was wear high heels and a dress while I did my work. Hey, isn’t that what I supposed to be doing? In the meantime, I was in for a bit of a surprise.
Well, in the midst of my “doing it all” I would cry a lot because I missed home and my friends. On top of that, I had to deal with my son getting used to a man being in the houehold for the first time in his life. Let’s not forget, I had to get used to the idea, as well, because I had never lived with a man before. I also had to handle the fact that my husband was the bread winner of the family and work at actually allowing him to be the man of the house. For me, “Ms. Independent, that was like telling a child they couldn’t go to Disneyland. Oh, yeah, one more thing, I arrived in Chicago in November and I was pregnant by December. If that wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back. Remember, though, God knew it all and He was going to deliver. I was just not in the zone at the moment, so my awareness of His Presence was not quite the same as it had been.
All of this coupled with feelings of inadequatecy and insecurity, caused me to go into a semi-depression. I say semi because I was more than aware of what was going on in my life and understood, for the most part, why. I just allowed myself to get deeper into it out of self-pity and low self-esteem. These are problems that have plagued me for the majority of my life.
My life, as I knew it, was becoming increasingly unfulfilling as each day went by. I cried every day, snapped at my son and husband, and complained like there was no tomorrow. I watched my husband ans son go on with their lives as if what I did was of no concern. I was unaware, until very recently, that they were trying their best to cope, and shutting out my attitude was one way to do it. My marriage suffered, my releationship with my son suffered, and my relationship with God suffered.
As a matter of fact when I had second child on September 23, 2003, the bond I thought we should have was just not there. I loved him, but there were times when I did not want him around me. I would call my oldest son and give the baby to him because I just felt trapped. I never wanted to hurt him, I just wanted to go to sleep and be by myself. There were times, however, when I did not want to let him go. I just wanted his unconditional love to be with me all through the day. I needed him more thant he needed me and I praise God for trusting me with the care of my precious angel.
I knew the feelings I had were not kosher, and that I could lose everything that I loved including, my own life. Something had to change, but what. Where did the problem lie? How was I going to get out of this one? I would pray and ask for an answer one day; but then, the next day, I would forget what I prayed and start the cycle all over again. Something had to change and that something was me.
My entire attitude needed an overhaul or I would risk blowing a gasket, and exploding. God came to me in very subtle ways and showed me that my attitude was cauing me to lose sight of what actually is. Everything that I had allowed to be conjoured up in my head was bringin sure detriment to my life. I was about to lose it all and that was not a good thing. I was not seeing His Ultimate Purpose for my life. I was losng the battle, because my priorities were off.
You see in the midst of all the turmoil, I started to feel as if I needed more. There had to be more for an intelligent, creative creature, such as myself to accomplish other than staying at home playing “Susie Homemaker” to mynhusband and children. I was created for much more than this mediocre lifestyle. I began to feel unappreciated by my family and I had a need to do more. As a matter of fact, according to the worldly powers that be I needed to do more to contribute to society. So, in my small mind, there had to be more for me to do. God must have needed me in another capacity. Well, what a lesson I learned in the weeks to follow.
While I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off, starting a newsletter, working on websites, signing up for this and that, trying to figure out how I can bring money into the home, everything and everyone around me suffered neglect, in some form or another. My marriage was suffering and I blamed my husband for it, not seeing my part in amything. My children suffered because I was unable to give them all they needed. My physical life suffered because I was not eating correctly, sleeping enough, or caring for my temple as I should have been. Well, everything would be alright, because I was doing the right things for myself and in the long run, everyone would benefit from the blessings that would come as a result of my going forward, and being all that I could in the eyes of God and man. Eventually reality set in.
The idea of the fulfilled woman that I had imagined in my head was quickly coming to a halt. The fulfillment I sought left me very confused, tired, and rather lonely. I was creating a world that would soon be destroyed. It was time for me to wake up and smell the coffee. One day, as I was going around the house on what I would like to call a “Tara Tyraid”, my husband looked and at me and tols me that my attitude kept me from receiving the fulfillment that only God can give. I thought he was crazy, like I did most of the time and he had no idea what God was doing with me. Well, he didn’t have any idea what God was doing, but he recognized what I was allowing to happen. This conversatin led to many more of the same and I cried a lot. I yelled, I threw things, I gave him the silent treatment, while all along I would tell my self that I was going to do it “my way” so that God would bless me. I stopped caring about God blessing us collectively as husband and wife. I just wanted to take care of what I had to for me and my kids. Surely God would honor that. Surely God would see my hard work and bless “my mess”.
The more we talked, the more convicted I became, but I was not ready to admit it. The more I cried the more God cleaned up the area of gray in my head that was causing me to lose sight of why I was where I was for this moment. The more I meditated and actually listened for God to speak to me the more I aware I became of why I was chosen for such a time as this. Finally the reality that had been trying so hard to get me to wake up, hit me as I smelled the coffee.
I had allowed the ideas of others ( family, friends, magazine articles, music, television) shape the world I was lost in for a while. I was listening to what they though I should be, when all along I needed to have my ears open to the One who knew what I needed to be. I was becoming a “Stepford Wife” instead of the Virtuous Woman I was called to be.
Well, here I am, not too far down the new road I have begun to allow God to pave for me. I am not exactly there yet. I still have some baggage to get rid of anf some more coffee to smell. The difference now, though is that I am oepning up my closed avenues to the Holy Spirit and trying to hear God. I am realizing that I can’t control or run anything. Only God has control and I have to let go and Go with God’s Flow.
So here I am at home and I becoming more grounded in my understanding of why I was chosen for sucha time as this. I still do some of the things I was doing durng my “reality break” like the newsletter, homeschooling, writing, and evem amking money from home. These were things that I should have been doing. I just needed to put them I their proper place. So I am listening as God speaks and trying to do what He says. I am not trying to crerate what I want, expecting god to bless it. It just doesn’t work that way.
As I go about each day now, I see my family in a new light. I see myself in a mew light. When I hear my baby boy, who will soon have his first birthday, laugh and scream because he is loved and happy, I see it. When my oldest son comes to me and I am available to hear, I see the light. When my husband gives me a looks that I know is love, I see the light.
I am here for this time because I am needed here. My family’s purpose cannot be if I do not pay attention to the needs of home. My husband cannot continue in his ministry, my sons will be left to a world that does not have their best interest at heart, and my life would be nothing if I did not see the light. So God had me where I am for a reason and here I will be. I am becoming content with my calling. As a matter of fact, I look back on some of the trials I wne through as a single mother and I can see how I need to handle some of the storms that come our way. There is so much to still learn, but I know now that I just need to stay on this path. When others tell me where they think I should be I have to recognize that they they don’t even know what they are saying. I have to call a spade a spade and tell them in a loving way that what God has for me is for me, and they cannot determine my destiny.
If ever I get in this predicament again, I will have to come back ot this moment. If I ever get to a point where I begin to forfeit my joy, I will have look back at this time. If life ever begins to look as hopeless has it had been, I will have to go back to chapter of my book. Why, you may ask? You see, this is the moment when I realized I am home for good. The world and all that is in it will soon fade aways, but God is Alpha and Omega; He knows my end. So if He says this is where I will then I to God be the Glory.