Thursday 7/01/04 58
Tears Of Pain
As I sit here remembering the love shared with my spouse I weep at the thought of never holding them again.
In fact we were holding each other one last time two days ago and didnít even realize this.
I had fought going to Church even though I saw the blessings poured upon us just from my spouseís determination to go.
I would often hear ď Honey once again God has blessed us.Ē
We had a great life together it was just my hardheaded attitude that would often cause problems.
I quite smoking and gave up drinking shortly after we married mainly because of my spouse.
Yes they started going to Church about six months after we married.
I would go every once in a while and yes I was always welcomed with love but I just couldnít commit to going all the time.
Even after seeing the growth in Christ my spouse experienced and the presence of God always around them.
I, oh man; I was blind or just down right hardheaded.
Now I sit here hurting and feeling emptiness, an emptiness that I canít explain.
Or can I?
I feel as if someone cut me open and poured out all the love I ever received.
Even the love that I received as a newborn baby from my parents up until two days ago.
Thirty nine years of love poured out in less than a second; yes thatís how I feel.
And I was a very loved individual, note I said loved and not lovable.
Yes I was loved even though I truly didnít deserve the love I was given and I truly think that is why it hurts so much.
I wouldnít know but I do know this is painful and I wonder if I will make it through today.
I feel so drained and my emotions are battling one another and there has yet to be a winner.
With love gone itís no holds bared and my other emotions know this.
All I want is to remember their touch, the touch of their hand in mine, their lips as they touch mine for a sweet soft kiss.
The feeling of holding the one I married just to hold them.
Just like we held each other two days ago and we shared our love with one another.
It was a joyous day and the excitement was at an all time high.
I walked up to them and looked them in the eyes, took their hand and said to them, my spouse.
I have decided to go to Church full time and learn to be more of who God wants me to be.
A tear or two fell and we wrapped each other up in a big hug and just enjoyed the moment.
We both wept then after what seemed like hours we released and talk some about this.
We sat down and enjoyed a great conversation and then the one subject I had been waiting for came up.
Hey where are you going?
Iím almost finished, silly cat donít leave yet.
Oh Lord Iíve been talking to a cat, please God if there is a chance for me.
Well Father God you know what happened next but I will tell it anyway for my own remembrance.
I was asked about receiving Jesus into my heart and I said I would.
But I didnít at that moment instead I asked questions and then said I would prefer to have a witness for this.
So we decided who and was going to call them when one more thing happened.
We looked each other in the eyes and then hugged and my spouse said thank you to me and told me that they loved me so much.
Then they said letís seal this with a kiss and then they would make the phone call.
With our hands on each otherís waist and our eyes locked our lips started towards one another's and right before they touched.
Yes my spouse vanished and I was left there with nothing but confusion.
Just one kiss then the call then.
Why at that moment?
Many may wonder why one day but this doesnít have to be the case.
Donít wait for the right moment or a witness to accept Jesus into your heart.
If you havenít accepted Jesus, stop now and accept Jesus into your heart and feel the new love that you are entitled to.
Yes someday soon Jesus will return.
Will you be in Heaven?
Or will you be here crying
Tears Of Pain?
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