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Self Discipline
by J LD
Not For Sale


When I was in the orphanage, after I suffered hallucinations of being chased by a demon throughout the night, I began hallucinating during the day. I saw the stairway to heaven while I was wide awake, and was taught by a man who appeared, along with the stairway beside him that had an audience from above, coming and going. After the hallucinations of a demon chasing me at night, stopped, I was able to sleep and angels would come to me in my dreams, telling me things, I guess to help me. 

The first thing they kept telling me was, "Do not eat the food. It will make you sick and you will find yourself very sleepy and if you fall asleep, you will die." And in those dreams, I would see a woman who portrayed herself to be motherly and she brought me into a great dining hall, full of food, with every food that was pleasing to the eye. I was so hungry and so thirsty, and I wanted to try everything; but the angels who were with me in the form of ghosts, kept telling me not to eat any of it- not even a single bite. 

There were only a few nights, when I failed to take their advice because of how much I was deprived, that some nights, I would just take a sip from one of the many filled golden cups or take one bite of bread or meat. And every time I did that, what the angels told me would happen, happened. I would start to feel sick and all of a sudden, grew very tired, so tired, the angels had to help me stay awake by prying open my eyes with their hands. During the day, God taught me in heaven, and during the night, the angels guided me on earth- at least that's what it felt like, anyway.

In my dreams, the world was depicted as being this great dining hall and so many desirable things that could easily quench my every thirst and hunger, were all within my reach. Problem was, I couldn't have any of it. The angels would tell me that everything I saw was only poison covered up by an illusion and eating these foods would mean the death of me and the whole point of it all, was to stay alive and to avoid giving into temptation. That was a very difficult time for me and I remember having to learn heavy self discipline at the age of six and as the years went by, I lived my life, forgetting all of those dark moments from my past. 

Now, I realized what the food symbolized in those dreams and I understood that the angels weren't talking to me about real food. They were referring to all sorts of pleasure that truly poisons the heart and feeding myself with it, can cause my conscience to fall asleep. That's what they were trying to tell me, that though there are many things that seem satisfying to the heart, all things that kill the conscience, kills the soul. 

Without a conscience, I mind as well be dead. No one can find life and know the way to live right without one. The world mind as well be filled with a bunch of zombies, if all people lacked a conscience, or, as I would put it, become mobile mannequins if their souls weren't living inside. It's such a lonely feeling, seeing how I've been taught not to enjoy anything in this world in order to survive it; but what is the point of surviving if it hurts all the time? I began to reconsider things in my life, especially my views and everything I've been taught. I've carried such a heavy yoke since my youth and all its made me want to do, is find death- almost all the time. And that too, I struggled with since my youth. 

The angels were right about one thing- the influence in this world truly does make me sick. It makes me very sick, that even if I chose to give into the influence of this world, I don't like how walking in their ways, makes me feel. I also don't like the way the world prioritizes vanity before compassion and wealth before peace and even the governments have placed more importance on the lesser things than the greater things, just like the way everyday people do. The earth is like a great dining hall, for sure. People come and go, tasting and indulging in everything that causes broken hearts, along with deeper and darker things such as adultery, theft, deceit, murder- everything that makes me sick. When my heart becomes ill, I carry a yoke heavier than loneliness- empathy makes me writhe in pain.

There was one good thing I found in life that was worth all of that trauma- Love and it's the only "arm" that keeps me from running off the edge of a cliff. I remember my first love from the orphanage. He was my hero and also my friend. Love is the only enjoyment I found in this life and I wish someday, to find it again. There are a lot of people in this world that chase after a poisonous love; because of their deprived hearts, they give into the temptation of eating "food" that destroys their ability to love again. It's difficult not to give in just one time, when the heart chokes for a mere breath of relief or satisfaction- as I had failed to follow the advice of angels several times when I was a young child. But like they said, "If you want to live, you have to be strong. And if you want satisfaction, you have to wait. Wait and you will be filled; be strong, so you can live to enjoy it." 

I thought about these things as I compared it to the dream I woke up from this morning. I dreamed I was walking through a desert and finally came to a small ring of fire in the distance. There I was, walking right through the eye of it, with no fear and no problem and it helped me to understand the purpose for self discipline. The desert represents deprivation and it's not easy walking through the desert when you have mirages of all types of temptations surrounding you along the way. But when you finally learn not to give into temptation, the mirages will disappear and an exit will appear out of nowhere, because then, you will be able to overcome anything. The most difficult task in life, is learning to tame your own heart- for, everyone struggles with desires and emotions that run more wild than any creature of the sea or beast of the earth and most of us allow these things to guide us to our own death.

If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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