There is this one officer that I think about from time to time. I know it might seem crazy, but I recognized the back of his head when I first met him. People might ask me 'how can you recognize someone just from the back of their head?' It's not like I've ever seen him before. It was just surprising that the back of his head looked exactly like my loved one's in these dreams I used to have. Though I could never see his face in those dreams, I knew how tall he was, his body build and the way his head was shaved. I even knew his personality and the way he walked. I don't have those dreams anymore but after having over a hundred of them, I think I can recognize it anywhere and I recognized these familiararities when I first saw the officer walk into my work place over a year ago.
The man I was in love with during the years those dreams flooded my nights, had bald patches on the back of his head and this was how I knew that he wasn't my loved one from those dreams, because my loved one didn't have any bald patches on the back of his head. My loved one was also taller and more slimmer build, like the cop. I've been extremely frustrated because seeing all those familiararities of my loved one in the officer caused some old feelings to resurface again. The dreams of my loved one was the best gift God ever gave to me, however, it also created a lot of problems in my waking life because I didn't know how to cope with being in love at all. And I still don't know how to cope with being in love and I realize why I never experienced it in my waking life. Maybe God did me a favor. I can cope with a lot of bad things, but not much of good things.. It's ironic, because with most people, it's the opposite.
I put in an application for a job opening within the same company but at a different branch. I honestly need to be in a place where I can expand my experience in my position so that I could apply for a higher position in the future. I want to go far in life and I've been complacent at my current place of employment for too long just because I enjoyed being with the people I worked with for a long time. But the gossip just burns me out and it eats at me everyday, the worse it gets. And I struggle with not giving into it and it is difficult some days, that I often find myself making the gossip worse just because I need to motivate or give myself a reason to move out and move on to bigger and better things. Being around the same people everyday can be stressful too and I guess I'm also fed up with seeing the same faces.
I want to focus on moving forward with my life because the stress is just making me want to become a bad person the longer I stay. I don't want to become like the people I've hated throughout my life. I need to make these changes for my own mental, emotional and spiritual health. Changes are not a bad thing at all.. Just because it is, for the most part, very uncomfortable, changes often provide beneficial opportunities for the individual. And after being forced to face many changes since the orphanage, it's not hard for me to pave the way to make my heart welcome changes. I can create reasons for myself to become motivated to want a change, whenever I've become complacent. Most of the time, I resort to making my current situation uncomfortable, to prepare myself to perceive change as a positive thing. It's whatever works.
I know most people perceive me as a very light thought individual. I am not as foolish or dimwitted as they assume me to be. I hide in ignorance but inwardly, my measure of understanding sinks deeper than the open seas. I hide the knowledge I have because I know most people are afraid of it. God knows I am far from the likeness of a fool just because my deeds might mirror them, I have reasons for everything I do. I am alot more than what people give me credit for and I wished some day, I could remove the entire cloak of ignorance and share my knowledge without making anyone angry.
Ecclesiastes was written by a man who was given Wisdom as he aged. Those same thoughts overflowed my mind when I was only six years old. I have been able to rule over my own heart because of the Wisdom God gave to me. Like my one coworker said, I am hot and cold; I am hot and cold because no thought I have, is ever written in stone on my heart. Only God's words are engraved there and it never fades while everything other thought and desire dissipates, like the way boredom follows the overindulgence of laughter. Joy is difficult for people to find because they don't know how to create it within themselves. I know how to create it and weans my heart away from the entertainment of sorrow, (although the drama can be addictive, just like the way the whole sense of addiction is addictive).
Addiction too, is full of boredom and I find that no other joy lasts longer than the desire for God. It is like falling in love for the first time all over again. It's anticipating, exciting and full of reverence; where there is love, there is restraint only because of reverence. People devour pleasure like a glutton; but Love, I tell you, is the only thing that can cause them to ration out their passion. May God teach you Love.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW
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