There are several things that aggravate me and this aggravation is beyond skin deep. It grinds against my heart like a shock wave and it pierces right through me. The sound of wailing, groaning and gossip have a way of disturbing me with an unbearable irritation and it weakens me. It weakens me and it gets me very angry. In the orphanage, I experienced my first sensation of emotions that felt like a rabid dog in the form of a ghost, gnawing at the insides of my chest. There were only three things that triggered these type of emotions: children crying; children groaning; and nurses gossiping.
Screams of children, because they are having fun, is almost as pleasant as their laughter; but children who wail, tend to scream in a way that forces you to feel their pain- it's unbearable. The type of wailing that disturbs me is not a spoiled rotten sound of complaint or the type of whining that most people know, even though those too, might irritate me. The type of cries that feel like nails scratching at my heart's surface, leaving deep scratch marks, are the type that's caused by a broken heart, pain and emotional anguish.
Groaning is another unbearable sound and I just want to slap people who groan in pain when they're very capable of putting up with it- it seriously disturbs me. The sound of fake groans irritates me more than real groans, (however, not if it is for the purpose of being silly, for, I know most people try to cope with life with a bit of humor in everything and I am compassionate about that). I know the sound of true groaning- my brothers and sisters who were dying of starvation, thirst and illness groaned because there were no pauses nor breaks in between the pains that agonized them. I know this, because I too suffered many things along side them. Groaning is not a wailing.. It's the sound of not being able to cry when you want to- at least, this is what I understood when I first experienced it for myself. Truly, a man groans when they cannot weep nor remain silent, and that's just the way my brothers and sisters and I, perceived it.
Gossip is what aggravates me the worst. I can literally feel other people's gossip having a pair of jaws, taking chunks of my sense of peace away, like an intruder hacking open a secured aged coffin that have living demons inside of it. And these demons are like the spirits that God sent to Saul- they introduce the true concept of paranoia that interrupts the peace of those who have disturbed me and I have to work very hard to trap them back to where they belong, because truly, I don't ever want to hurt anyone.
Gossip was the main reason why my brothers and sisters and I were neglected in the orphanage. It wasn't because there were no water to quench our thirst that we were thirsty, nor was it the lack of adults, that we were ignored and abused. It was because of gossip that they didn't want to go and get us a cup of water to drink or take the time to pay attention to us and God forbid we ever interrupted their gossip because of a severe need for a drink or some attention, otherwise, we were punished for it. Gossip that causes neglect, burns me with so much rage, I can feel it in the very core of my soul and I HATE it.
When people focus more on gossip that causes them to neglect their duties or keep them from doing what they're supposed to do, it tends to shift my opinions about them and make me perceive them as a very ridiculous person. My sense of logic finds it difficult to accept they're a real living person and calculates them to be robots or machines, trying very hard to blend in with real people, that, though it mimics worthy gossip (talks about actual concerns), the topics they choose to concern themselves with, are actually senseless. It's like typing a word in a search engine and end up getting results that have nothing to do with that search- simply because machines are not like humans who have actual insight.
But when people who gossip, cause me to fall into gossip, the more I despise them in my heart and I don't care, if by next morning, they're a changed person- they are perceived as poison. Gossip is like a poisonous thorn and I can actually feel its poison working inside of me whenever it does try to change me; but I thank God I have His Word written all over my heart to be able to overturn things that try to take over me.
Personalities can sometimes act as a form of a virus and gossip is extremely viral. When a person's ways make me emotionally sick, I always feel as if I have no other choice but to separate myself from them. I don't like it when things causes accumulation of bad emotions to surface for no justified reason at all. And God knows I cannot enjoy life if I let it happen. My job is to protect my own heart with the Portion I have and God has taught me right from wrong through these experiences to imprint it in my mind and heart to never forget why I should NEVER follow certain examples set by other people nor be influenced by them, EVER. I may be human and might sometimes forget, but when my sense of humanity kicks in, it reminds me of the things I swore I'd never do again and it succeeds more and more every time, after many failures.
So, this is what I've been struggling with lately, but it's just another battle I know I will conquer. I have been focusing on the type of mother and wife I'd like to be someday and this is what helps me. With each passing day, I can see myself getting closer to the woman I long to be. I am so close now, I feel like I already am her. I just need to work out a few kinks in myself in order to fully transform, for, I don't want to fall short in living up to the type of woman God showed me I could be. He tells me in my dreams that I can be her, because that woman I longed to be, IS me. She is like a beautiful dress that was kept in a closet for a very long time (and please don't misinterpret this, for, I am not gay, even though I'm sure I'd be proud of it if I was). Everyday I wake up, I am becoming more and more like her and I can feel my joy almost complete.
Personalities and characteristics are like garments of clothing. If you find God, He will find the most beautiful one kept hidden in the closet of your heart and you will wear it, not only for the reason to prepare yourself to meet your Maker, but also because you will find yourself falling in love with it. But a person who does not transform their personalities to match the garment they want to wear, is like a toddler trying to put on adult clothing- it obviously won't fit and even if they pretend it does, people can clearly see the difference, including God and the self. It is always wise to consider what type of "clothes" you want to wear and if you don't know, God will search throughout your heart and help you find the right one ;-).
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW
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