Broken Hearts and Undealt With Scars
Hello fellow writers I had in no way forgotten you, just that in a way which is truly unlike me for once in my life I have of late….been truly lost for words! I had no idea what to post on this wonderful forum, had been generally feeling very weepy and discouraged. Furthermore, as a person who naturally processes things by talking them through (haha pray for my twin, she has endured many a whispered midnight emotional debriefing session) , for once in my life the problem felt so painful and emotionally intense that I lost faith in the therapeutic process of having the family of God share my burdens with me. It was almost as if the devil had covered my mouth with tape and I was therefore that much more vulnerable to his lies and deception and struggling more each day to walk out upon the water to my king. BUT! Isn’t it great how with Christ we have a BUT? Jesus showed up because he tends to specialise in rescuing us from dire straits if you know what I mean I am still recovering and I can’t say just yet that the tears have quite stopped flowing…but there are little glimpses of light along the tunnel and for now, that will have to be enough. Funny how looking back at the past four years since I took a break from uni and felt so bruised and broken, genuinely thought that was IT, I was done and dusted – shave my legs and call me grandpa, I had been passed over when it came to doing anything great in the Kingdom of God. Yet yesterday I acknowledged deep within my heart that today, I would go through it all again just to get to the new level of understanding I have about the times, seasons and perfection of the person of God.
One thing which has been on my heart lately is just that funnily enough: the condition of our hearts. I used to get this awful, awful picture in my head when I considered how bruised, weary and battered I felt inside…it was of a human, beating heart with the aorta, veins, blood vessels etc on display clearly. But the heart itself was bluish blackish and terribly pockmarked and seemed to have had a run in with a nail-gun…there were nails piercing it all over and it was just not in very good shape at all. It was also completely detached from the rest of the bodily organs and just lay there barely functioning and completely failing to do what it was created to: maintain the flow of life. At the same time, the third time I attended the service of the church I currently serve in last year, my twin was praying for me and said “I just got this picture of your heart…it was like it was encased in concrete.” Oh my goodness when I heard this I was sooo angry with God!! I was like “So god you know!! You know that for the past three years I have tried and tried to be faithful and serve in your house, attend your services and participate in worship all the while feeling so numb, hollow and as dead as the very bricks which uphold this building. I tried EVERYTHING, fasting, praying , anointing oil, worshipping and simply trying to “rest in His love” to get back the feeling I used to have when we walked together but it didn’t help!” And YOU KNEW!?!? I almost screamed loud enough to blow the rooftop off that building but you know, I’m really not that much of a diva . And you know what? He didn’t answer…which of course made me madder, and now I felt justified.
One day last year, months after this incident, the spirit of God gave me an analogy. I had decided to stick to the church because frankly, I had nowhere else to go and sometimes God just gets you in too deep to turn away. I couldn’t shake the words my mum and sisters used to say to me during my darker hours….that I had a testimony which the world needed to hear and that if there was any person in the world who could and would give me the platform to do so His name was Jesus. So, back to the analogy. I realised that the incidents which led to the hardening of my heart towards God came after a major time of sweet and sacred time of intimacy and fellowship with the Lord which I will always remember fondly. I literally ate, breathed and slept the presence and anointing of God and some days, he would wake me up and tell me hidden things which made my heart burn deep within me. In this sense, I was like a mother preparing her hurricane basement/pantry for herself and her family before a prophesied time of upcoming war. She doesn’t know the when’s and the how’s – all she knows is that war is coming and so she must prepare. So too is the case with spirituality. Because I experienced a time of exponential growth and favour with the Lord where His countenance shone upon me in a very tangible way, the time of testing to see if I would still love Him in good times and in bad and what the true motives of my heart were in seeking Him had to come. I had stocked up my “spiritual pantry” by reading His word and getting to know Him, now it was time to use all I had learnt and delve deep into the depths of my pantry to get me through the midnight season! And boy oh boy did I have to return to that pantry OFTEN!
In many ways, this is how the Christian life will always be…us going through mountaintop times of sweet and heady fellowship with the Lord and then a sudden and unforeseen circumstance will arise where we will be forced to utilise what we have learnt in the last season of learning and whether our love for God will continue to blossom even in the darkest of valleys. Of course these tests are all tempered with His grace-our devotion to the pursuit of God is not proportionate to his unrelenting pursuit of us. The two simply cannot be compared in fact. His love…God’s love…is “Stronger than the grave” and he is so so Faithful even when we are not. How wonderful is this news for us today! He is far more devoted to us than we in our finite humanity can hope to be to Him…however, the more we behold His wondrous beauty and seek His face, the more we grow in our capacity to love Him well. “Seek the Lord while He is near, call on Him while He can be found.”
For some people, the issue of the heart is a very painful one. Some people will miss out on the most high calling and eternal reward God has set aside and sanctified for them, due to wounds which run so deep that they refuse to let God get to the root of them. I know too well how real this temptation can be. But one verse in the Bible always checks me when I am tempted to say “God you are mean! It is too much and there are no guarantees with you!” Divorce, depression, grief, abuse…all these things cause very real and very human pain. But we can never underestimate how compassionate the God we pray to is – in fact, if we are to serve and pray to Him, we must start from a cornerstone that He is good, He does good and that he is infinitely compassionate to the plight of man- he knows that our frames are merely dust. Yet, Jesus also wrote in simple yet profound words “Blessed is he who does not fall away on account of me.” He was essentially saying, blessed is he who does not turn His back on God due to the many testing and trials I ordain for Him to endure because we have been called to be moulded into Christ’s glorious likeness, pressing towards the most high calling in God, partaking of His suffering that we might know the power of His resurrection and have our characters refined like silver and gold. In this way, we will be prepared to reign alongside Him in love and perfection when Christ returns, rather than serving day and night at the altar – a great and worthy honour, but in no way equal to REIGNING WITH THE KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS for eternity! (If you are looking to know more about reigning with Christ during the Millenial Reign of Christ, please feel free to go to gotquestions.org).
Friends, I cannot emphasize enough today the importance of allowing God to get to the bottom of your wounds. There is such a thing as superficial emotional healing where a deep wound caused by emotional pain and even trauma can take place. Without allowing oneself the adequate amount of care, time, attention and healing, a superficial form of healing takes place but ultimately, the wound remains and festers. Won’t you allow the King of Glory perform a heart surgery on you today? He will go at a pace which you can handle as He is after all the one who called you by name before the foundations of the earth! You are no mistake to Him and He has loved you with a deep and abiding everlasting love – to the point of death. Even death on a cross. He may even lead you to pursuing therapy, psychological assistance etc…there is so much at stake in terms of your inner healing and wholeness. Your peace of mind, your effect on your loved ones, your ability to impact the Kingdom of God and of course the question of whether you truly believe God is for you and NOT against you.
Won’t you let Him in today? Most times you’ll find it’s not you who is waiting on God…it’s God who is waiting on you.