Sometimes tears bring angels
I come to church and I put on this strong front because I feel like no one wants to hear my problems anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am always "that girl" with the problems every week. I come seeking people to talk to and hear me yet I do not feel like I can open up to anyone, so I sit here alone and hurting because I do not want to be that emotional girl.I feel like people want to be around strong, confident and healthy people , I know that is the type of people I want to be around...so I try to be that person...except the problem is..that I am simply not that person. I feel like I just can't seem to get ahead.
Tonight I heard my mother say to my dad, " there she is going to church again to be manipulated." As I am sitting here in worship service right now those words play over and over again in my head wounding me like the stings from an angry hornets nest. My mothers words tend to hurt me the most, I wish she would realize how badly she crushes me. At this point I can hardly control the tears escaping from my eyes and I run out of service desperately searching for a place to let my tears run free. I find a dark hallway and I collapse against the wall, my body shaking from the violence of my sobs. From my curled up position I start praying "God, please help me...please help me" I continue to sob feeling as if the emotional pain from my past will never cease to stop, the scars of my hidden secrets consuming me.
A moment later from the corner of my eye I notice a figure standing at the end of the hallway quietly watching me. I look up as the figure takes a step forward, her face emerging..a beautiful face of a girl with dark eyeliner and wild red curly hair framing her face. A whisper escapes her lips, " are you ok?" I stare at her for a moment too embarrassed and ashamed to speak for fear of what my weak voice will sound like. She takes a few more steps toward me until she is right in front of me and she kneels down to my level and this is when I finally dissolve and cry out in a strangled voice, " no...everything is not ok...its her words, my mothers words..she knows how to crush me..her words hurt the worst." I quickly cover my face with my hands as the violence of my sobs rack my body again. This is when her arms find themselves wrapped around me, holding me as I cry and I unleash to her all my feelings of how alone I feel, how I feel as if I am a burden. I feel like everyone has it together except for me. I feel like even if I manage to heal fully that I will still have my ugly past and emotionally abusive family that will always prevent me from being completely healthy. I tell her that no one will ever want someone like me.
This is when the words of an angel gently begin to comfort me when I need it the most. The girl who introduces herself as Raven, tells me she felt as if God had allowed her to see me as he sees me..as Beautiful..as a beautiful girl who has doesn't believe she is beautiful. Raven begins to tell me about her past, how she was suicidal for three years and how her mother kicked her out. One day a group of people prayed for her and she was healed that very day and now she believes that God has given her certain gifts to help others. She tells me she can sense that I am strong and that I just have not unlocked my potential yet. She reminds me how God used Moses, a man with a speech impediment..a man who was broken and messed up..yet he used him. She then prayed for me. It is just amazing that my prayer was answered..right there in a dark hallway. At the very moment I needed to be shown that I am not alone in my brokenness. God answers prayers.
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