"God did not turn his back on me"
Excepting each breath to be my last,I struggled to walk to the bathroom,a few feet from the bed .Without light, I felt along the chilled title wall finding the light switch and flipped it. Above the sink, a single bright like came to life. In the mirror,my face was emaciated, visible large sagging bags were seen underneath each eye, bald spots could be seen in multiple area of my disheveled hair. I was at home starving alone. This had to be a dream. What had happened?
I am a 51 year old black female. I have been working as a nurse for more than 20 years. I knew of God at eight years old, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savour, and I was saved. I believed that God would help me with any problem, all I had to do was believe he would. I was one out of four children. Going to church with my siblings on Sunday was a happy part of my childhood.
My mother was an alcoholic; her alcoholism affected me in negative ways .There was constant fighting between my mother and father; cursing and screaming was a normal occurrence in my home. These actions impaired my ability to trust. I left home at age 35 years old, I thought if I left the problem, it would be solved.
My nightmare started when I had a laproscopic removal of my gallbladder, I was told that it would be a simple procedure, I would not have the large scar and my stay in the hospital would be limited, but that is not my story. I experienced every complication that could have occurred. There were special intravenously lines inserted because the small veins in my arms were tiny. I had special drains that were inserted internally and externally collecting fluid that was flowing freely in my stomach. Every day, I suffered physical pain.
God's Word never left me,even in my during the difficult times verses in the bible would come to me.1 Corinthians 10:13 says:" He will not let me be tempted more than I could bear", but then visits from my daughter and granddaughter and my sister decreased. The few friends I did have, I pushed them away because of pride and self loathing. I was in a bad place. I was depressed, which was very familiar to me. I had not mastered dealing with depression. God's Word at this time, was pushed behind all the emotional turmoil, that was consuming me.
I was readmitted a second time for another complication, then finally discharged. I thought my stay was bad in the hospital ,but being at home alone almost became lethal. My daughter and granddaughter were at home with me for a while, but they ended up leaving a week later ,and while my daughter was there she no help or support to me. I was in denial about my relationship with her thinking that me being sick would change our already strained relationship. I had not been the best mother,which has haunted me to this day.
The nightmare did not stop with my daughter. My sister showed up at my home; it was delusional thinking on my part thinking she was coming to help. She came in to my home and verbally cursed me out and she told me "If you think I am turning my back on you. I am letting you know now I am!" and she slammed my door. For many years, I held on to resentments and anger, mostly because of my childhood, and my mother's drinking, the coping skill I had adopted was lashing out at my family with aggressive tones, and I isolated. Most of them told me,I had a bad attitude, and they did not want to be around.
After those encounters, I felt I had no family; if I died. They would never have known because there was no contact through phone or coming over to my house. My spirit was devastated,though my body was recovering slowly.
Even at this point eating solid food was impossible, the very best I could do was force water and Gatorade down. The only way I would get stronger was I had to put something in my stomach. I had experienced nausea since I came home from the hospital but it had gotten worse. I could not sleep because I really thought if I did,I was going to die and I did not want to die in my home alone.
I was haunted by my sister viscous remarks that she was turning her back on me. It was then I was suddenly reminded again of God's word In Isaiah 49:23 "I am the Lord, those who hope in me will not be disappointed" which assured me that in order for me to live I had to trust God and not people . I had a hope shot . I knew God would not turn his back on me.. I knew he loved me so much more than I loved my self. God was already working in my favor, I could not see it during my turmoil. God work through people,and He had sent an angel to the hospital. My friend continued to visit me , even when asked not to come. I felt something in his spirit. He listened to me, and allowed me to free myself of years of pain,not on the outside, but inside. I had emptied to him all the nastiness, resentments, pain and anger I had endured. I had held on to for years was given to the angel God had sent to help me. I knew then I was ready for God. I told my friend that he could leave now that I was going to be alright. It was God's time and had to do this on my own. When He saved me at a early age. God left me a comforter, which is His Holy Spirit spirit.When I welcomed that Holy Spirit in, I felt his presence , and then I was able to reconnect with my God.My healing began. I knew that many times, I had turned my back on God he did not, He has been with me all the time.
I am now getting stronger every day. I am eating solid foods but in small frequent meals, driving my car to church, going to meetings, and getting back to living . I pray daily, read my Bible and praise God through gospel music. Daily He continues to Breath life into me. I am alive today because God did not turn his back on me. I know now that this experience did not happen on accident or coincidence. It was planned to remind me that trails;I will have . I can make it through -not alone but with God.
I knew also that my experience was not just for me to hold on to but to share with others of His grace and mercy. God is good all the time ,and He only wants us to be happy. Be blessed.
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