Trying to explain things in a way it can be easily understood is a very difficult thing. I have recounted these stories in my head over and over again, and no matter the way I tell it, I sometimes feel as if it's better to keep it simple and just share what I've witnessed and experienced and let others figure out what I've been trying to share with them, for themselves.
I can't exactly explain what it felt like to live in the orphanage, only, the best thing I can compare it to, is the feeling of walking on a very thin rope. Not sure if anyone ever tried that before, walking on any tight rope; but it's difficult and may seem nearly impossible. If you've tried it with a safety harness to help catch you in case you lost your balance, then you can somewhat understand that's how my childhood was like, with God in it. He was always catching me and every day was like waking up to another battle and whenever I became so exhausted, it was only when He would have mercy to let me rest for a short moment, but not enough to keep me complacent in that sort of comfort.
I cannot describe how trauma is able to place a mark on you, scarring you with a fear that will never fade unless you confront it. God has made me confront many things by myself, including the spirit of death, that I always pictured as being some sort of monster that drags children away during their sleep. At least, in my nightmares, that's what I saw, a monster and it would grab me and try to pull me out of my body. Sending demons to chase you every night in an enclosed room with no doors, windows or any other form of escape, is probably not the way your parents would have taught you to find courage against beings that you considered to be demons, but it was the way mine did. I had to learn to confront my fears and it was through this experience, I learned that you can only find courage when you are faced with fear, no matter how traumatic or life-threatening it was.
God never showed me mercy by destroying the demon for me, even when I got to the point when I was ready to give up. Rather, when I was ready to give up because I felt I had no hope left, He whispered to me, giving me advice and told me to turn around and face the demon and look into its eyes. For many nights, I was too afraid, until after a while, I was too exhausted to run anymore, that I figured if I try it and it doesn't work, I'll die; and if I don't try it, I'll die anyway because my legs had become too weak and too tired. It surprised me, that when I finally did what He told me, I saw the demon freeze in its tracks.. It just froze completely. This was when I first experienced a sense of boldness, that I later discovered, was called Courage. And the more I felt this boldness growing stronger within me, the less it felt like it was going to go on forever. I could feel these nights coming to an end, the more Courage I gained just by facing this demon. And isn't this the way most of us choose to learn, when we have no other options left, we begin taking the advice of others??
When I think about how God led Israel to wander in circles for many years in the wilderness, allowing them to drown in their doubts and causing their worries to become a reality, I think to myself, "Yep, that's Him. That's the God I know that doesn't coddle His children, but forces them to face their fears before going any further in life." The people of Israel were pursued by their own demons of death. They feared dying of starvation and of other things because they were too afraid of the Unknown, they didn't want to continue in their journey to see what awaited them in the place they were going. They lacked courage and God refused to let them go any further until they gained some boldness in order to teach them to push for survival.
Had I not gained the courage to overcome my fear of dying, I would not have been able to overcome worse struggles nor give myself an opportunity to enjoy any good thing in life. Fear and worry, causes sorrow and bitterness and it is truly these things that suffocates a person's life, from the inside, out. Man cannot live unless he confronts every ups and downs of life, so he that can learn to survive and enjoy the peace when his eyes find rest. Wisdom is the knowledge we receive from God to gain understanding that finds life, because we are all born in death. This is true. For, just because a man is born in the flesh, does not mean he is truly alive. A living man is full of understanding; he faces demons throughout his life and overcomes every one of them, until no more death is left within him. And then, God gives him the reward of Rest.
After overcoming my fear of demons, I was able to meet with God face to face through visions in my waking life and see the Stairway to Heaven with my own eyes. I really was six years old when all of this happened and He made me go through it by myself, facing the demon with no one else in the room with me. People have probably thought that God spoiled me like a parent who coddled their child. God has never done that, even though at times, I feel like He has, when I know He truly hasn't. Every prayer He's answered and every curse He's brought on my enemies, is resulted because God has determined I deserve the peace and rest that's awaited me, after watching me vigorously battle through my trials and tribulations.
He knows how hard I've worked within myself, night and day, to change myself to ALWAYS become better. And I know that when I overcome the hardest things in the world by overcoming the demons within myself, God allows me to find peace in my waking life, that, I don't have to ask Him to remove my enemies or ask Him to answer one of my prayers. I pray because I already know He will answer and I don't fight against my enemies because I already know God has crushed them. These are things that king David speaks of throughout Psalms. And David never stopped fighting to become a better king, no matter how many demons caused him to falter because even he understood this Truth: When we falter, it is God showing us that there are still demons, we have yet, to overcome within ourselves. And when we confront them, we are acknowledging they are there, and only until then, are we given the courage to overcome them.
Throughout my life, people have not understood that it isn't because I have been able to identify the wrongs in others that caused God to listen to my prayers; it is because I have been able to use those wrongs I've seen in others to identify the faults within myself, that caused God to always hear me. I have mostly judged and condemned myself because I want to destroy the things that make me a murderer. God knows I don't want to destroy any form of goodness within another person because that's what murderers do; they destroy trust, hope, faith and other good things within mankind and burden their souls.. If I still possess the ability to do these things, then I know my work is not yet finished and if anyone else condemns me for my demons, then their spirit suffers a worse condition than my own.
If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW
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