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A Memory
by J LD
03/30/14
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When I was in the orphanage, I was about 5 or 6 years old when I started to see things. My nights were filled with strange dreams and nightmares, so in my latter years, I always assumed that I started hallucinating in my childhood because I had trouble sleeping. The hallucinations I used to have was always the same and it wouldn't occur everyday. I remember it was because of the illusions, I had a very difficult time deciphering what was real and what was fake and the more it would happen, the more I thought of not knowing what was the reality and what wasn't. I remember this making me very frustrated because the constant change in my waking life due to seeing things that weren't there, and it made me wonder if the life I lived was only a figure of my imagination; and if any part of my waking life was real at all.

But through these experiences, the only source of comfort I found were during these illusions and I realize maybe, it was the only reason why I still had some goodness left within me throughout the traumatic experiences of poverty. Because witnessing the constant deaths of my brothers and sisters, enduring nightmares almost every night and suffering from starvation and sickness, was destroying all of my ability to hope and it was only because of the illusions, I had any hope left and was able to keep it persevering.

The day I left the orphanage because of being adopted, was the day it all stopped. I stopped seeing things and even the nightmares stopped for a little while and I am thinking it was because my journey coming to America was such a huge experience that my mind could not help but to push everything I knew aside, in order to internalize new things I was experiencing. It was such an incredible journey, going through it all by myself. The world was such a large place for a tiny person like me, I just couldn't believe the things I was seeing because it was so overwhelming. Remembering my experience coming out of a secluded orphange hidden in one of the crowded jungles of the world, I think about how Christ might have felt when he first went to see the temple at the age where he was able to internalize and appreciate such a great structure. That, what a child sees is sometimes impossible for their minds to comprehend that the living could accomplish such feats.. At least, it was what I thought when I first experienced a car ride or even watched an airplane go by when waiting for my flight at the airport.

I guess I never again thought about the illusions I had in the orphanage until 20 years later, when I remembered the things I learned from history and the things I learned from the bible. It wasn't until, I did my yearly review of everything I researched and learned, to refresh my mind, that I was now able to remember and understand the illusions I had from the orphanage. And it really opened my eyes, and made me aware that even though I testified throughout my life to people, without truly being certain within myself that God raised me and took care of me since my orphanhood, what I had claimed through my faith alone, was true and the evidence was with me this entire time and I just never realized it.

When I was in the orphanage, the first time the hallucination occurred, was when I was walking around looking for crumbs as I usually did to help the day go by. Within a blink of an eye, all of my brothers and sisters disappeared and I was the only child there. My entire surroundings changed and I saw yellow or golden steps to the right of me, almost like bleacher seats but they were solid stairs. At the top of the stairs, I saw people coming down the stairs to sit on a step and when they went to leave, they would get up and go back up the steps and disappear after reaching the top of the step. The people that came and went were all dressed alike. They each wore all combinations of colors of gowns (such as baby blue, pink, peach, mint green, ect.) down to their feet, with one sash going across their chest, from their one shoulder, down to their waist.

When they came down to sit on a random step, they would watch me and on the ground with me, there was a man wearing normal clothing like me, standing beside me. He would teach me things and it had a lot to do with faith. He would always try to show me that believing could make the impossible possible. When he did several things that marveled the audience sitting on the steps, they would clap and smile and then, he would tell me it was my turn and wanted me to give it a try. I remember the first time, I thought he was out of his mind. Because the things he did seemed impossible and he told me all I had to do was believe it and it could be done. After a few failures, I began to succeed and when the audience saw I was able to do the things the man taught me, they applauded and cheered me on. Even I was marveled at the things he showed me I was able to do.

Everytime the hallucination occurred, it was the same thing. The man would teach me new things and the audience that came, would applaude everytime I succeeded. I remember during one of the last hallucinations I had, before I was adopted, I asked him what it was he was teaching me because I didn't see the point of it. I also asked him who the people were that sat on the steps and why they were there. He told me that he was teaching me to be able to do the same things he was able to do, because that's what a man does for a child, so that the child will grow up to be like him. And the people on the stairs were those who waited a long time to come see him work, and they enjoyed watching him work and always came to support him wherever he was. He invited them because he wanted to introduce me to them so that they could support me too. His audience became my audience and he shared everything he had with me.

I have these real memories of God and the time we spent together. I didn't realize all this time, that I got to see the Stairway to Heaven when I was only 5 or 6 years old. I realized it was God's way of claiming to be my Parent first, before anyone else could; for, I didn't understand the concept of a mother or a father at the time until I was adopted. And I know it wasn't for the purpose of testimony or credentials that these illusions occurred nor was it so that I could brag about who's child I really was.

I know that God made these memories with me so that I would have some happy memories of my early childhood with my Father.. because for a child not to know their real parents is a very heartbreaking experience and God, knowing that I had already been through so much and knew the darker struggles that were to come, just didn't want me to experience that type of heartache forever, and knew that someday, these memories He made with me would come in handy when I needed it the most. Because God knew the days that would come, when He knew hateful people, would cross paths with me in life, to utter hurtful words that would make me feel displaced and alone all over again.

I am now 34 years old and I still have, for no reason, people trying to assume that because I was adopted, I would never know what it's like to have the love of a 'true' parent nor experience the loss of a 'true' parent. Granted, that I may never experience the loss of a true parent because mine possesses the capability to live forever, at least, I do in fact know, what it's like to have the love of a true parent. And I think it's a shame that those who have never known God, would rather cling to the parents they have, that are sadly, here today and gone tomorrow and not rely on the only Parent, who freely grants their true children, eternal life.


If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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