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The Death of My Heart
by Dorcas Osesie
01/18/14
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I knelt at the altar with my eyes soaked from crying.
My heart ached so much that I thought I'd die. The pain, the regretd the painful memories slowly gnawed at my poor soul
Trembling at the altar I was bent on pouring out every part of my heart down. Laying it bear.
'Lord, I can't take this anymore'
It was a battle a tug-of-war between Christ and my soul.
I was standing at the foot of the Cross. I could see the blood-dripping Savior hanging there. I saw Heaven's Victory for Man's sake. I could see my sins there. I could see my guilt, sickness, pain, hurts, chains. They were all there dead and sun-baking.
'Can't you see Kassie? It's over, it's finished when I climbed wearily up Mount Calvary, I laid it all there.'
I knew it was true but I couldn't grasp it, I was still struggling over certain fear, certain pasts, certain hurts.
It had been fifteen years then, but I had not found the strength to let go. Adam was still lingering the dark corners of my heart, where he stood to recieve revenge's judgement. The memories of he murdering my daughter would never leave my soul. It's parasitic venom would never cease to suck the life from me away.
'I'm tired Lord, I want to give it up!'
I was tired of being driven by revenge, by blood pasts. I thought the Cross was supposed to be a whole new book. How come Chapter Yesterday in Book Old Life still came after me like nemesis.
'Lord I know I need Your help but I'm still struggling on my own weak strength. Help me...'
And then He, Christ showed it to me. I looked up at Calvary's tree and I saw it for the first time. I saw me nailed up there dripping blood.
'Lord what is this?'
He said 'It's the death of you that made me walk Calvary's road. I had to find a place where I could exchange you for Me, so you wouldn't have to walk the mile yourself. Or do things you can't do.'
I smiled in realization that it wasn't about me anymore it was about the Man who saved me. I hadn't any need to struggle for he's won the victory. With this understanding, I watched as my fears, pains, past, guilt drowned in the sea of Grace.
Grace: the death of my heart on Calvary so Jesus can take domicile and raise to life a new heart.
© Dorcas Agbogun 2014
dorcas.agbogun@gmail.com

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