I haven't always been this way, although many people do not care. It's hard being on the streets, but not only for all the reasons people may think. When you lose everything you become invisible. No one sees you and no one cares.
I was once a mom, and a wife, I had a family and a job. But no one cares. When you cease to perform your duties, you may as well be dead. All the friends I thought I had, was for nothing, because none of them would talk to me now. They wouldn't even look at me.
In fact, I have had no positive human contact in months. I'm so lonely. I miss my family. But you know I don't miss my life. I realize now that all those things I thought were so important, they are not.
Yet what I wouldn't give to see my daughter smile at me again. But I did what I had to do, and I hope that she is doing better than me. Dropping her off was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I knew that there was no way she would survive living with me on the streets.
When He left me, I trusted that we would be okay. What I didn't know was that we were in debt and had no money. They barely gave me time to know what was happening we were evicted so fast. Sweet Bailey couldn't understand why Daddy didn't tuck her in at night. Then when I told her we had to move, she was so scared that daddy would never find us again.
Yet none of that compared to the look on her face when I handed her to the stranger and told them I couldn't take care of her, that she needed a new home. Nor the screams in my ears, as I turned to leave and she realized that she was being left. I'll never forget those screams, it is wrong that a child of four, ends up losing the only family and home she has ever known. But for the glimmer of a chance at living to grow up, I couldn't risk keeping her with me no matter how much I wanted to.
I managed to get a job in the beginning, but once I had no address to use, it became impossible to find work. No one wants to work with someone who is homeless. It becomes harder to find a bathroom to clean up in. Having homeless people around is bad for business.
Every now and then people throw some spare change my way, but they never look me in the eyes. Even those well-meaning people who claim to help, never acknowledge that I am another human with the same need to be understood and accepted.
Sometimes I can talk to other homeless people, but few of them are willing to talk much, because they are worried that you will find a better spot than they have. So it becomes hard to live with no personal contact.
The hardest part is finding places to go that are out-of-the-way. Have you ever tried to sleep outdoors, when those with money are walking the stores along the street. Or find an out-of-the-way place have the cops called. Then when you do find a spot, you must worry about whether it is safe.
You only think being a woman on the streets isn't safe when you are living a "normal" life. But being a homeless women on the streets, makes you a target for any person who is drunk and looking for a good time, and it also makes you a target for rapists, and murderers.
I try to trust God to keep me safe. I just wish there was more I could do to make a shelter. In this area where I live, there is not many jobs available and many people will not hire you unless they know your relatives. Since we were new to the area, we didn't have that many connections so when I tried to get help people turned a deaf ear.
One thing I know is that no matter how cruel people can be, I am not on my own. I will somehow survive this. I trust God to get me through. No matter the fact that many think if you are homeless that you do drugs and alcohol, and that you have no worth as a person, I know that is not true. It's not my fault I lost it all. But I know that at some point I will be more than this invisible person, and I will never forget the lessons I have learned.