Fifty Shades of Grey suits
by James Snyder
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I guess I am one of those old-fashioned guys still wearing a suit. I have been wearing a suit and tie for as long as I can remember, which really isn’t saying a great deal. Not much I can remember these days, which is one of the advantages of growing older.
When the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage grills me about some incident that did or did not happen, I can always rely on the good old faithful, “I just can’t remember!”
“Well,” she stammers as she stares at me, “but don’t let it happen again.”
My problem is I cannot remember what I am supposed to remember so how can I remember not to let it happen again? (Sigh.)
So, my memory is not quite up to par in many areas. One area has to do with my suits.
There is only one thing I do not like about my suits. I feel most comfortable in the suit and so I have several suits that I wear on a rotating basis. Naturally, they all look alike so nobody knows I am rotating my suits.
The secret to rotating suits is to have an assortment of ties, but make sure those ties do not look alike. I have enough ties that I do not have to wear one for up to three months.
I have a bright pink tie I wear twice a year and every time I wear it, several people ask me if I got a new necktie. I always smile and nod in the affirmative. Why spoil a good moment?
The negative side of wearing suits is occasionally you have to replace them.
There are all sorts of reasons why a suit needs to be replaced. One is that you grow out of it or it grows out of you. Either way the suit has to be replaced.
Another reason is that something happened to the suit and there is some tear necessitating the whole suit being replaced. The key here is not to let my wife know that there is a small tear in my suit. The moment she discovers the slightest tear in one of my suits she begins her plan of having that suit replaced.
For me, a tear is simply a tear. If it is in the rear of my suit jacket, I do not see it so it is no concern to me. If other people are inconvenienced by a small tear in the back of my suit coat, let them replace the suit. I can deal with all kinds of tear oddities about my suit.
Not so in the case of my wife. Even a slightly worn spot on my suit coat, begins her thinking of replacing it. Believe me; I try to hide it as much as possible to keep it from the ever-piercing eyes of my wife who sees through everything, even things that are not there.
Just recently, despite my attempts to conceal the issue, my wife spotted a small tear on my suit coat. It happened to be my favorite suit coat. I can recall exactly when and how the split occurred. I kept that information away from my wife as long as I possibly could; now I had to pay the piper.
Early Monday morning we were off to the men’s store to purchase another suit. The whole way there, I was thinking of all the other things I could be doing at this time. Being the gracious and humble husband I am, I yielded to the prompting of my wife and we were off to the men’s store.
As soon as we walked in, we were greeted by a young man to which my wife said, “We’re here to buy a suit.”
I figured I better step in before the conversation got out of control. “We’re looking for a grey suit.”
“I understand,” said the young man as he thoughtfully pulled at his chin looking down the long row of suits. “And what color grey are you looking for?”
“Say what,” I said.
“What color grey are you looking for?” He repeated.
As far as I was concerned, grey was grey and that was the color I was looking for. Nonetheless, I was in for a surprise.
“We have a variety of grey suits. There is a charcoal grey. Light grey. Dark grey.” He went on and on about the variety of grey colors in his shop. If I heard correctly, according to him, there were at least 50 shades of grey.
Believe me, there was not anything romantic about that!
All I wanted was a grey suit. To me, grey is grey is grey. I do not want my suit to be a fashion statement. In fact, I want my suit to be silent and say nothing at all.
We walked out of the men’s store with a new suit and my wife had a wonderful smile on her face. I on the other hand, had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach realizing just how much this grey suit cost me.
I have a new appreciation for what the apostle Paul said. “That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man” (Ephesians 3:16 KJV).
It is not the outside that really matters, but the inside of a man.
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Very unfortunate and questionable... I suppose you feel your title for this article is somehow cute and funny... It's not.