Behind every beautiful temptation is a pair of iron gates. They are as black as a moonless night with soot from the fires of hell. The strongest men that have momentarily escaped the fires and fought back to the gates have never opened them from that side. They are large and heavy but never locked and open easily from our world. In fact the flower that's holding your attention can swing them wide with one finger. No man ever notices she's opened the gates, to busy watching her finger. The gates are hard to see at first and if you overlook them you might think the warmth is from desire. As you let the sweet vision pour over your eyes and tingle senses, your thoughts will be dulled so that you'll barely notice her backing towards the gate. The blow that knocks you through will be quickly forgotten as you struggle against the hands that are now holding you firmly. A voice screams in your head, your own voice: "you fool, your still looking at her"
All comments welcome. Please be forgiving about grammar and spelling, I'm just a mechanic doing something he enjoys.
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This is a powerful story. You do have some vivid metaphors. I can feel the passion in your heart. You may want to find a proofreader to help you with those little mistakes. There are also several editors here on FW too. I'd be happy to proof an article or two until you get a better handle on it. Your message is a great one. You definitely have a knack for storytelling. I look forward to seeing more of your work!