Life to me then was full of hatred and unforgiveness. I lived with the feeling of being unwanted and neglected by my mother. In my childhood I longed for a parents love but didnít get any. My brother and I lived different home while my mother was away working abroad. For me, it felt like I was a nobody and no one care or love me as I grew up with my cousins who have both their parents caring and loving for them. At a young age I learned the best way to hide pain and pretend not to be affected by the things happening around me.
I developed fear of being close to people and isolating myself was the best option I have to avoid getting hurt. I hid myself in that kind of mindset and until I came to the point of wanting to end everything. When I was in Grade 6 I tried to cut my wrist and did some cutting session as my way of releasing pain that I couldnít express, too much hatred and pain that it made my heart numb and dull. I was breathing but inside I was cold dead.
With the rejection issues that I have with my mother, experience verbal, emotional, physical and even sexual abuse from the people you trusted the most, it inflicted so much pain and built up so much wall and masks in my life. I fell into addiction of hurting myself, multiple ear piercing, more cutting sessions on my arms and wrist and gratifying myself with sexual perversions of fantasy and masturbation. It became my safe haven and I was always angry, impatient and always cursing. But with all that happening, I was raised in a culture of Christianity; we go to church every Sunday, baptized and attend bible studies.
By the time I went to college the province, what I didnít know was that God has a plan for me. I never thought that my life has a purpose until I came to read the book of Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. It opened my mind to the realization that I am not an accident and I am living for a very specific purpose and that God had me in His mind even if I was not yet conceived in my motherís womb. That changes so many things in my life and it opened the door for me to seek God and more answers to all my questions about my life.
One event, one night on October 29, 2005 I was invited to join a youth event at a local church and I was encouraged by a friend to join. Then after I heard the preaching the guy in the pulpit invited for those who wanted to surrender their life to Jesus and one thing that broke me down into tears was when I heard him uttered that Jesus Loves Me, that even my father and mother forsake me the Lord will never forsake nor leave me. Those words pierced through my heart and led me to accept Christ to be my Lord and personal Savior and since that day God held my hand, changed my life and I was never the same again.