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What is Marriage meant to be
by Kristopher Chambers
07/05/13
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What is Marriage meant to be

 

Well in the world we live in there are many different views of marriage.

Some are looking at marriage as a partnership for other reasons then love. Because finically it works, because convenience it works, because of children, compromises are made, but at the end of it all what is a marriage called to be.

I have to go to what I know and trust and that’s biblical. God intended a marriage of two people to be love and kindness.

 

4 Love types

Eros the Greek word for sensual love

Storge is a term for love, Greek word for family love

Philia is the type of friendship love .

Agape is the highest of the four types (love that is wholly selfless and spiritual)

 

A marriage needs to have all 4 loves to work, God gave Adam a partner, helper , a companion to live the rest of their days on earth together helping each other through all their struggles, and celebrating together all their achievements together. The biggest thing is always being there for each other and loving them in the good and the bad. Once you get past the Eros part of love, the Storge and Philia love tends to take more of a dominant role in a marriage. I believe this is because a child is added to the mix, because that 1st date experience is over and focus has been lost for each other and more on the child or children. There are several reasons for this spark to be lost, but at the end of the day the love is real and still there but just in a different form.

 

The longer two people are together the more they will start to see all the good and bad in that person. The most important thing is to love them for all their qualities and not just the ones on the surface.  Sometime people rush in to marriage to soon and both sides have never really revealed their true self to the other its more of a work face or a work personality that is put on every day, to be someone they think their partner wants. This is why you must get to the know the true person before you get married. Be 100% open books to each, no deception, no reasons for mistrust, 100% yourself.

Compliancy is another major problem in marriage, once this set in both sides of the people in the marriage tend to take less care of themselves. Think about when you 1st started dating, the guy wanted to have the pressed shirt, smell good and make that sparkle in her eye. The girl wants to look her best too. She trims, primps, looks at herself a thousand and one times in the mirror all to make sure she catches his eye. Once the spark is gone it’s hard to get back it not imposable but it’s hard. The best thing is to never let the spark go out. If the flame starts to go you must immediately throw gas on the fire to make sure it never goes out.  

In the cording process people tend to not be who they really are some say that you don’t really know your spouse until the 3rd year of marriage. NEVER stop dating / Cording one another.  

       

Friendship is critical to a marriage, in my opinion it’s the backbone, cornerstone, the foundation to the beginning of a relationship. In all friendships it has to be about caring, listening, giving advice when asked and in close friendships it’s even about saying things the other may not want to hear but then need to hear. Some friendships are closer than a sibling because we tend to treat or value the relationship more. So then why in so many marriages do we allow the friendship to fizzle away? I personally think it’s because it’s taken for granted. Anything you take for granted will never work. Anyone that’s takes their Job, their life, realistically, any of their blessings, for granted will quickly find out how fast things can be removed from their life. The Bible says “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” Once we start to take things for granted I believe we will be humbled.

One of the biggest things with new friendships is just the 1st part of getting to know each other. At 1st you don’t know what that persons good and bad triggers are, so again you must get to truly know each other. Some relationships are I believe are just meant to be, through an instant connection between the two people. No matter how close your connection is, it can be lost if it’s taken for granted.

It’s critical to be best friends to your spouse, if we are base everything on looks and Eros love you will be in for a shock later in life. Friendships with everyone else should come secondary to your spouse. Are those lifelong friendships important? Yes, Very Important, but you also have to have the wisdom to see if the ones you call your friends are getting or trying to get you to do things that compromise or damage your friendship with your spouse.

Again, your spouse is your number one, your true best friend, and if anyone that does not accept that is looking at it from their own selfish ways. Now friends or anyone that truly loves you will tell you things you may not want to hear, but be warned, some will say things to you with their own agenda and are not truly looking out for you, but they are looking at your life, your situation, your new found love with their own agenda. Don’t allow yourself to be confused between the two. That’s why one of the of the greatest gifts is wisdom, and we are call to seek it and never let it slip away from us. A good example of this is you are single and you find true Love, I’m talking about a love that is not of this world but a love that has brought the two people together (A Heavenly Love).  Your friends will be excited for you, excited for you telling them about this LOVE you have never had before. They will not look to prevent your new love from growing but they will encourage and want to get to know this person you are in love with.  If they don’t support your new found love relationship for one reason or another you need to find out why and dig in until they give you valid reasons. If they don’t provide you with anything that is real, that’s when you need to ask yourself, are they saying these things because of Jealousy, Competition, Fear, or self-motivation?  If so, than a heart to heart talk is needed, and it may be painful, but true friends will work through it together. In that heart to heart your friends should understand and become acceptant and understanding this is real to you and if it’s that important to you than it’s not something they should oppose, but now support. If they still don’t than you need to see through what’s real and false. There may some real and false on both sides. You have to always remember that your true best friend is the one for you, your spouse, or the one you plan to marry.  A true friend is commitment to your happiness. A true friend is consistently willing to put your happiness before your friendship. A person who truly knows and loves you, a real friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else still believes the smile on your face.  Don’t look for someone who will solve all your problems; look for someone who will face them with you.

It’s obvious, but any relationship without any real face time is going to have problems.  You shouldn't have to fight for a spot in someone’s life.  Never force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they truly care about you, they will create one for you.

It’s been said many times before, but it’s true; great communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship.  If you have resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow.  If you are jealous, you must communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities.  If you have expectations of your partner, you must communicate them.  If there are any problems whatsoever, you must communicate them and work them out.  And communicate more than just problems communicate the good things too.

They support each other’s growth changes.  Our needs change with time.  When someone says, “You’ve changed,” it’s not always a bad thing; sometimes it just means you’ve grown.  Don’t apologize for it.  Instead, be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.

Your word means everything.  If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!  If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE!  If you say you feel something, MEAN IT!  If you can’t, won’t, and don’t, then DON’T LIE.  Real friends keep promises and tell the truth upfront.

The sad truth is that there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need.  When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave.  The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great people you can count on.  We rarely lose friends and lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are.

 

Are you truly in love? How do you know? What is Love… mature love says, “I love you because I need you.” Mature love says, “I need you because I love you.”

If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn't just happen, you can make it happen. Love is active a verb. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you'll love easily. If someone asks you to do or say something that isn't in your nature, that isn't true love. Although love does involve compromises between partners, someone who is in love with you will never ask you to change who you are in order to be loved. Like the mother-child bond, attachment comes after the initial attraction. Attachment is the long term love that appears anywhere from one to three years into a romantic relationship (sometimes sooner and very rarely after), and you'll know you've found it when you can honestly say, "I've seen the worst and the best you have to offer, and I still love you," while your partner feels the same way. When it comes to true love, commitment is more than just monogamy. It’s the knowledge that your partner cares for you and has your back, no matter what the circumstances. People who are strongly committed to one another will, when faced with seemingly negative information about their partner, see only the positive. For example, a friend comments that your partner doesn't say a lot. "Ah yes, he's the strong, silent type," you reply. People with less commitment to their partner would instead say something like, "Yeah, I can never have conversation with him. It’s annoying." Intimacy is a crucial component of all relationships, regardless of their nature. In order to know another, you need to share parts of yourself. This self-revealing behavior, when shared, forms an emotional bond. Over time this bond strengthens and even evolves, so that two people merge closer and closer together. Intimacy by itself if is a great friendship, but compiled with the other things in this list, it forms an equation for true love.

 

It and You first have to again seek wisdom to understand if this is lust, infatuation, or real love.  “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”  

Love or Lust? Love looks at the relationship as a long term investment not a temporary deposit into a false love bank.  

Person to Person:  Love- Commitment to another. Genuine intentions. Think about other person's feelings before acting.               

Lust -Enjoyment of a short-term, mutually pleasurable relationship.

Commitment: Love-This is permanent commitment and stays throughout the life.

Lust - Temporary commitment that last only long enough to fulfill desire.

Bottom Line: Love unconditionally. Lust is interested in only what can be done for self-pleasure.

 

Definition: Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning desire.

Love- A decision to commit oneself to another and to work through conflicts instead of giving up.

Person to Person: Infatuation - reckless commitment to satisfy one's all-consuming lust.

Love – A Commitment to another… Genuine intentions think about other person's feelings before acting.

Result: Infatuation - Emptiness, consequences of choices made while under the influence of mind numbing temporary lust.

Love - Security, peace, a solid partnership which can provide the ideal atmosphere to raise confident secure children.

Commitment: Infatuation -This is temporary in life and goes off after some period.        

Love -This is permanent commitment and stays throughout the life.

Bottom Line: Infatuation is delusional. Love unconditionally.

 

What happens when we get older and things stop working the way they used to and the only common thing that two people have is now lost. Now you have to start searching to find a new common thing to build off of and this means a new foundation has to be built. This is a hard task in our later years in life. Remember this, Friendships can last a lifetime long past how we look. I can’t say it enough your best friend MUST be your spouse and all your other friends or best friends will understand that unless they have never experienced a feeling of true love other than you or anything close to what you feel. When you get married and your friends are single they need to understand that you love them the same but you’re trying to start a family. If you try to live a single life to please your friends and be married, your marriage will suffer and it could be a cause of an end to your marriage. It’s time you relook at what you truly want in life. Do you want a part time husband or wife or do you want to be 75 years old with the love of your life. If you know this love will never leave you or forsake you but you still want the single life, it’s time to choose who you want to be in life. If you are not willing to put each other before yourself than you will never truly be fulfilled. Now some will try to take advantage of this so be aware and guard your heart until you know this person will give as you give! Never let someone from the opposite sex be a best friend it WILL cause damage to your marriage! Men and women look at friendships with the opposite sex much differently. A woman may look at it as nothing however that man in that friendship is looking at it from a different set of eyes. Men and women are wired differently in all ways.  Look up http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends “New research suggests that there may be some truth to this possibility—that we may think we’re capable of being “just friends” with members of the opposite sex, but the opportunity (or perceived opportunity) for “romance” is often lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce at the most inopportune moment.”   I am blessed with parents that are still together and to see them still hold hands when they walk together is a gift. They have not had Friends of the opposite sex that they would get together with unless each other was there also. I cannot stress this enough, do NOT do it, it will cause problems that are self-created. It will cause damage to a marriage that is 100% avoidable and not needed. If you feel you need this friendship than make sure they know you will not be “hanging out” anymore unless your better half is there. This goes for a committed relationship also. If the person you are in a committed relationship with is worth marriage (the only reason you should be in one) than you have to put the one you love before a “friendship” with the person of the opposite sex!

 

Friends need time for friends but if you are putting your friends before your spouse, again, “They support each other’s growth changes.  Our needs change with time.  When someone says, “You've changed,” it’s not always a bad thing; sometimes it just means you've grown.  Don’t apologize for it.  Instead, be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.”

 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

 

“And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.”

“In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man is actually loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, which is the church. And we are his body.”

 

As the Scriptures say, "A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.

 

The picture of marriage expands into something much broader, with the husband and wife relationship illustrating the relationship between Christ and the church. Husbands are urged to lay down their lives in sacrificial love and protection.

 

“Don't be concerned about the outward beauty ... You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God ... In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat her with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. If you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard.” 

If you don't treat her as you should, your prayers will not be heard… Now that’s as clear as it gets!

Men, love your wife as Christ loves the Church!

 

A true marriage that will last can be summed up for both Husband and wife in the following.

 

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

 

May the Lord bless your marriage, Never give up on each other, Follow the manual to life and you WILL have a prosperous, loving, and bless marriage. Struggles will happen, resolve them before the sun goes down while still angry with each other. “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down on your wrath, neither give place to the devil.” Fight for each other as you did when you were dating or first started dating.

 

 

Kristopher Chambers 7-5-13

 



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