I was minding my own business last week, which is the only business I am concerned about, when the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage posed a question.
It is in the area of questions I feel the most inadequate. Maybe it is because I have not heard all the questions yet, but I think I have come close. I should know that any question that comes from my wife has a hidden agenda. Usually, she asks questions that have no answers.
“Let’s go out for lunch today,” she said rather chipperly. Experience should have taught me that when she is chipper, I am in trouble, because I am always the chippee. “We have,” she explained, “some gift cards for a restaurant across town.”
Then she smiled and that should have been a giveaway for me.
When you mention lunch, and when you add the word “free” to it, I lose all sense of proportion and sanity, if I had any. Actually, to be honest about everything, it does not take much to scratch between my ears and get me purring.
Then she threw in a perk that sold me completely on the idea. I love perks.
When you think you have heard every trick in the book, somebody writes a new book. Usually, I forget some old trick that she has played, and here was an old one she was playing on me again.
On the way to the restaurant, I had a little uneasy feeling, but as we sat down and began ordering, all suspicion faded into thin air. It was a scrumptious lunch and we both enjoyed being together, carefree and enjoying the ambiance.
When the check came I casually said, “You know, we ought to do this more often.”
She smiled and nodded her head.
When we got into the car, she said somewhat nonchalantly, “Oh, by the way, since we’re here I need to run into the mall and pick up an item.”
When I heard those words, I froze. Not the mall! I hate shopping, especially at the mall. In my mind, the word “mall” is the acronym for May All Lose their Loot. Since I do not have that much loot to lose, I do not like going into a place designed to relieve me of my loot.
Every time I walk down the center of the mall, I feel eyes glaring at me and piercing to the core of my wallet trying to suck out all my money. And, by the way, they take credit cards. Boy, do they “take” credit cards.
When we parked at the mall parking lot, I indicated I would stay in the car and wait for her.
“Oh, no,” she exclaimed, “come on in, you need the exercise. I’m just going to run in and run out.”
Here is where the language differential between husbands and wives shows itself. Unless you are familiar with English with a feminine twist, you are going to get trapped every time.
For example: when a husband says the word “run,” he is referring to speed. When his wife uses the same word it means she is going to run into every store in sight within the mall with one agenda, and that is to buy. For which I can say bye-bye to my money.
Why don’t local universities offer a degree in wifeology? They have degrees in everything else, why not here where it would be most useful. By the time I reach the equivalent of a doctorate in wifeology, I would be too old to do any good with it.
Those who insist there is no difference between a man and a woman have never been married to a woman. Husbands get into trouble assuming their wife is just like them and thinks just like them.
Exiting the shopping mall my wife looked at me, smiled and said, “Now, wasn’t that good exercise.”
I nodded as I walked to the car with both my hands filled with recently purchased items from the shopping mall. Now I know my part of the exercise was hauling her purchases to the car. Halfway to the car I had to stop and catch my breath and wondered if I would really make it to the car.
“Come on, we’re done shopping for the day. Let’s get to the car.”
While driving home I was afraid my wife was going to wear out her smile.
“This has been a great day. We’ll have to do this more often.”
Then she began humming a song, “We’ve only just begun.” I think this is her theme song; in fact, I am afraid it is.
About half way home, I had a wonderful thought. It was a good day. I can always earn more money, but I can never get another wife quite as nice as the one I have. Then I began humming, “We’ve only just begun.”
A verse of Scripture began playing in my mind as we continued our journey home.
“And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also” (John 14:3 KJV).
Driving into the driveway, I realized this was not our final destination. God has a wonderful place prepared for those who have put their trust and faith in Him. No tricks about it.